Finding Her-Marian Snowe
by natales2017
Summary: Can a mysterious beauty and her stoic heroine escape their pasts for love? F/F


**Chapter One **

_**Nan**_

You'd think that with all of the terrible decisions I'd made in my life, renting a sailboat at a safe little harbor in Maine wouldn't be at the top of the list. But then again, you might not know that I'd had less than a single day's worth of sailing lessons, years ago for a movie role. Or that I went out farther than the rental company's instructor told me to. Or that I saw the dark clouds on the horizon and thought "No problem! I can handle this! It's just a little rain!"

It was all those things together that put this particular decision up there with my worst.

"Christ on a shingle, Nan," I grumbled at myself, out loud even though I was alone. I tugged on a line that was attached to the sail and wondered how on earth I'd furl the thing. That's what you did in a storm, right? Furl the sails? At least, I thought that's what they always said in movies. "Have you learned _nothing_ about common sense over the past year? Oh, well, no, of course not—or else we wouldn't be in this situation!"

Talking to myself was a habit of mine, but it wasn't as if people hadn't come to expect crazy behavior from me. A washed-up actress who crashed, burned, tried to rise again, and then disappeared from the public eye? If it weren't my actual life, I'd think it'd make a pretty good storyline.

The wind was really picking up now. Luckily I'd put my hair up in a tight bun before all this began, because I needed both hands now to hold onto the tiller. The sea around me looked like a living thing, one that breathed and was currently just a little annoyed but heading straight toward outright anger. The gray waves had little cat's-paws of foam as the wind ruffled them.

"Okay," I said, trying to soothe myself. "Okay, we're fine. I can do this. I'll just hunker down until this passes. Summer storms are always quick, right?" Too bad it wasn't exactly summer anymore, but I ignored that and looked up at the sail above me. It was bulging, stretched tight. Whichever way the wind was blowing, that's the direction I'd be going too.

As it turned out, the wind seemed to push toward the pale line of the distant shore, and I felt a flash of hope. Maybe I could just keep the tiller as straight as possible and let it go like this, and I'd be back on land in no time.

A cold gust blew up behind me, chilling my skin. I was only wearing capri pants and a tank top, but I couldn't spare an arm to hug myself. I turned around to face into the wind; the horizon was now a hazy blur below deep gray clouds. Rain.

A grumble of far-off thunder echoed across the water. "Shit," I murmured and tucked the tiller under one arm so I could grasp the sail's line again. Was the harbor that patch of white on the shore in front of me or more to my left? If only I'd paid better attention...

All of a sudden, the wind gave a fierce roar in my ears and whipped the sail around. I tried to duck out of the way of the boom as it swung towards me, but it clocked me in the ear and I lost my grip on the line. The sail filled with the wind and I started speeding north instead of toward shore.

"No, no, no, no...!" The sail didn't listen to my entreaties, though. I groped around for the rope that would let me pull the sail back in, slightly dizzy from the blow to the head I'd just gotten. The ocean swells were getting bigger and I could see a vast, wrinkly band of water advancing toward me from out to sea: the rain was coming in fast. A split second later, big, sharp raindrops began to pelt me in the face.

The deluge closed quickly around me. Soon I couldn't see anything but my boat and the waves, and the swift flood of lightning that heralded a deafening thunderclap. Finally I just let the sail swing wherever it wanted and huddled down on the bottom of the boat, though there wasn't much in the way of shelter there. The waves pitched me back and forth and my stomach lurched with fear as the swells started getting bigger and rougher.

Something winked in the distance and I saw it out of the corner of my eye. More lightning? But no, it was an occasional flash that cut through the pouring rain. I squinted at it and wiped the water out of my eyes as the wind drove my boat in that direction.

Was it...?

A lighthouse.

"Great!" I said with a slightly hysterical laugh. "A lighthouse is warning me to stay away! Too bad I can't _steer this frigging boat!_"

Just as I said it, a grinding crunch from below threw me forward. The boat swung around and the sail swayed wildly over my head again as I just tried not to be thrown off. Had we hit something? And why was I thinking "we" right now, when I was alone? This boat was not my friend!

Another flash of light, brighter this time, swept across my vision. How close was I? It looked close! Maybe I'd run aground on a beach or something and be saved. It was hard to tell which way I was going, though, the way my boat rocked and spun through the waves like a pinwheel.

Then a jolt even stronger than the one I felt a minute ago knocked me off balance, out the crouch I'd been holding. The mast pitched sideways and for a moment I was afraid it was falling and would crush me...but then the freezing sea waves slapped me across my entire body and I felt the water rushing all around me. The boat immediately followed.

I'd capsized completely.

Beneath the water, everything was a directionless roar of bubbles and currents. Panic started creeping in at the edges of my awareness as I struggled for the surface with no idea what direction was up, but then I felt my hand come clear and I kicked in that direction. By utter luck, I came up away from the sail and not beneath it.

I choked on salt water and tried to clamp my mouth shut, but my nose was too full of water to breathe. Gasping, I tried to find the boat again for something to cling to. I couldn't see anything through the rain and waves and my eyes stung from the salt, but then the beam of light cut through again: it was far above my head now. I struck out in that direction, barely sure I was moving at all in the rocking surf. Waves broke over my head again and again.

_This is it, I thought. This is the last sight I see. A whole year of rehab to make sure I don't die of an overdose, and I'm about to be killed by the goddamn ocean. _

Something slithered over my legs and I croaked out a scream before realizing it was seaweed, floating all around me. That meant I was getting close to shore, right? In front of me, looming shapes gradually appeared out of the gray rain. They had to be rocks. I pushed myself through the water, kicking against the seaweed and coughing.

My legs felt as heavy as if I had barbells tied to them. There had to be about a gallon of water in my lungs already, and they hurt like someone had stuck a hot poker down my throat. The salt was so strong in my mouth that I gagged. But I had to get there. I _had to._

I was starting over. I was escaping my old life and everything that trapped me in it. I was leaving behind the drugs, the depression that drove me to them, the meaningless affairs, the ruthless game I had to play for success. I couldn't let go of that now. I'd never even fallen in love...

The sea kept closing over my head, but I managed to push my face up again and again. My sandals had come off the moment the boat capsized, and now my bare toes drove painfully into something hard and rough. The surf was worse here around the rocks and I had to struggle to even remain in place. My knees hit another rock, and my elbow and hip too.

Everything was blurry and going dark, and my arms and legs felt numb, but the water was getting shallower. I scrambled and fell clumsily. Even the pain of the sharp, stinging cuts along my shins from the rocks started to fade into the fuzziness taking over my mind. I saw pebbly sand and broken shells beneath my hands, and then my limbs gave way. Rough sand ground into my cheek and then nothingness dropped its blanket over me.

**Chapter Two **

_**Cass**_

It was a nasty one, this storm, but I had a feeling it would pass soon. When you've kept a lighthouse as long as I had, you develop a sixth sense for that kind of thing. The clouds were as black as squid ink out there and thunder rolled across the sky, and every so often the whole expanse was lit up by lightning that split the horizon with its forked bolts.

But my daughter and I were safe inside our home in the lower half of the lighthouse, and the lighthouse was safe on the same rock where it had stood since my great-great-grandfather's time. In here behind the watertight windows and thick walls, we could weather any storm.

The light was working just as it should; we lived here so we could keep it tuned up and working right, even though nobody had to hike up with oil to light the wicks or wind clockwork anymore. It all ran by computer now but Annalee and I still stayed here. I wasn't going to give it up, and even at age eight, Annalee was just as adamant that she wouldn't either. The place _did _need us, after all. Sure, it could run by itself, but no computer took care of it like we did. We even had a separate entrance into the lighthouse above our home so we could give tours, and we rented the small attached cottage to the occasional adventurous family of tourists.

Annalee had pushed one of the rocking chairs over to the big, round window that faced the sea from our combined living room and kitchen on the bottom floor. She sat in it now, swinging her legs lazily as she watched the storm. Every time thunder crashed or lightning lit up the sky, she shouted "Woohoo!" at the top of her voice.

It was just past lunch on a Saturday and the storm started brewing before Annalee even finished her clam chowder. She left it sitting on the table in favor of taking a bowl of oyster crackers over to the chair and munching on them while she watched the clouds, keeping a sharp eye out for lightning. I put the rest of her chowder in a glass jar in the fridge and brought my own bowl over.

"Did you see that one?" Annalee looked up at me with wide eyes and a big grin. "It split into at least three branches!"

I pulled another chair over and sat down beside her. "How are things looking on the water?" We could see for miles beyond the overhang where our lighthouse sat.

"There was a little sailboat but it's gone in now," she said dismissively. "Nobody's dumb enough to stay outside in this!"

"I sure hope not," I replied. Just as I suspected, the storm roared through with whipping winds and buckets of rain. Soon the lightning was passing overhead and it illuminated the billows of clouds above us with all-encompassing flashes. In barely half an hour, the thunder went grumbling inland and took the lightning, and our entertainment, with it.

The rain continued on for a while but the wind calmed down, and Annalee wandered around the room impatiently, looking out the window every few minutes. Soon the rain slowed until only a drizzle remained.

"Can I go outside now?" she asked. She was already halfway to the door, where her turquoise raincoat with frogs all over it hung on a hook.

"Half an hour from the last lightning flash," I told her. "You know this."

"How long has it been? There might be sea glass or driftwood or new fish in the tidepools!" Annalee grabbed her coat and put it on.

"Nobody's going to get there first, don't worry," I said and checked my watch. "Eight minutes left." She groaned like that was the rest of her life but went to the counter and picked an apple out of the big bowl we kept them in. Then she put on her boots and waited by the door so she could dash out the moment I gave the word.

Like I usually did, I stood with my watch for the last handful of seconds and counted down for her. Then, like a rocket, Annalee scampered out the door and down the steps that led from the lighthouse to the grassy yard around it and then to the concrete cliff walk winding down to the sea.

I finished a few chores around the house and settled down in my rocking chair by the window to read. Annalee was the only one who knew my secret: I—the tough, independent, headstrong, and somewhat reclusive lighthouse keeper—adored romance novels.

Lesbian romances were my favorite, but I read the occasional straight romance if it was particularly well-written and was of a genre that really interested me, like space travel or a heist story. Right now I was in the middle of a lesbian romance set in tenth-century Scotland, where a Christian woman and a Scandinavian woman who followed the Norse religion fell in love. I was completely enrapt as they shared a mutual religious experience and I must have lost track of time, because before I knew it, the door slammed open and Annalee came rushing in.

"Mama, Mama!" she yelled, and I stood up quickly, alarmed by the urgency in her voice. Annalee came careening over to me and grabbed my hands. "I found a mermaid!"

My muscles untensed and I shook my head with a smile. "Did you, now? Are you sure it wasn't a selkie, singing you her song of the sea?"

"No, I'm telling the truth!" My daughter tugged me toward the door. "It's not pretend! I really found a mermaid!"

I lifted an eyebrow at her, but she seemed strangely sincere. I knew Annalee had gotten pretty interested in acting ever since the second grade school play last year, and she was raring to go for the upcoming one. Still, there was something about the way she pulled at me that made me wonder.

"Where?" I asked.

"Down on the rocks by the south beach! She looks like she's hurt. She isn't moving."

That was what really got me moving. If this were just pretend, a story Annalee was making up, the mermaid would be talking to her or brushing her hair with a fork. I didn't even stop to get my raincoat on the way outside.

Annalee let go of my hand and hurried ahead of me as I went down the steps and across the lawn. The paved cliff path zigzagged down the sloping rock face, fenced in by a weathered but sturdy pipe railing. We got down to the bottom in less than five minutes and Annalee rushed off to the south. I started to jog to follow her.

Just past a stretch of half-submerged rocks, I saw Annalee's "mermaid," and my heart leapt into my throat.

It was a woman.

She lay on her stomach in the rough sand, her arms curled by her head, her knees and elbows a mess of blood. Strands and flecks of seaweed clung to her. As I ran to her, I couldn't tell yet if she was breathing, but I'd been unfortunate enough in my time to see a few drowned boaters or swimmers. She looked beaten and bruised, but she didn't have that horrifying gray-blue skin. "Wait here," I told Annalee as I hurried to get closer.

Annalee obeyed, rocking back and forth on her heels to try to get a better look. "Is she okay?" she asked me tremulously.

I went to my knees beside the woman. Her back was rising and falling with her breath. "She's alive, at least," I said. Just to be sure, I put my fingers to her neck to check for a pulse.

Her skin was cool and salt-covered, but underneath that, I could feel the faint thump of life. The moment I touched her, though, a curious feeling trembled up the back of my spine. Even covered in sand and seaweed, she was...

Beautiful.

No wonder Annalee thought she was a mermaid. Her beauty shone through the grimy remnants of the ocean that covered her. Her water-darkened hair might have been golden, and it was a snarled mess with an elastic showing somewhere. I carefully turned her over and scanned her with my eyes for any obvious broken bones.

"We have to take her inside!" Annalee said. "She's going to get na-mona or something!"

I made a vague noise of agreement, but pneumonia was the least of our worries right now. I wasn't even sure I should move her, but I didn't have anything to warm her with down here. I made a quick decision—hopefully it was the right one—and slipped my arms under the woman's shoulders and knees and picked her up off the ground.

With Annalee always several steps in front of me, we climbed back up the cliff walk and to the lighthouse. Every moment that we walked, I was afraid this woman might wake and panic or that she would suddenly stop breathing. We got to the door without either happening, though, and I laid her down on the couch as gently as possible.

"She needs new clothes! Hers are all wet!" Annalee said and ran up the curving stairs at the edge of the room that led to our home's second floor.

"Annalee, you're getting ahead of yourself," I called after her, but she was right. The woman's clothing—as little of it as there was to begin with—was sopping wet and clinging to her skin, holding in the cold.

Annalee came down a moment later with an armful that turned out to be one of my t-shirts and a pair of my pajama pants. Meanwhile, I'd gotten a warm washcloth and was cleaning the sand and specks of seaweed from her face. She breathed steadily, but she showed no sign of regaining consciousness.

And now, without quite as much adrenaline flowing through my veins, I saw that she was even more lovely than I thought.

Her oval face and straight nose were strikingly beautiful. She showed a little bit of sunburn, maybe even from today before the storm started, but it only enhanced how fresh she looked. The fact that her hair was a total mess somehow made her face even prettier.

"Mama, hello!" Annalee prompted, shimmying past me. "We need to put her in something warm!"

I sat back on my heels and heat flushed my face. "We can't just...take her clothes off."

"Well, how are we going to put dry things on her?" my daughter asked, looking at me as if I were one spoon shy of a silverware set.

"I guess, if we leave her underwear on..." My stomach filled with uncomfortable butterflies. It seemed so _wrong_ to remove her clothes without asking...and part of that was definitely because I already couldn't stop thinking about how pretty she was. But I'd taken enough CPR classes to know that it just had to be done sometimes.

I sighed. "Get the scissors, okay? We'll cut her tank top off and I think we can get her pants off without too much trouble."

Annalee did as I said and brought over a pair of scissors from the kitchen, and I carefully held her wet shirt away from her body while I slit it up the middle and clipped the straps. It was easy enough to tug the shirt out from under her, and then Annalee lifted the woman's feet up while I scooted her capris down and pulled them off.

Annalee handed me the pajama pants she'd brought down but I shook my head. "We need to clean her cuts first," I said. "And we should probably forget the clothes and just wrap her in blankets." My cheeks and ears were still burning; so far I'd managed not to let my eyes linger too long on the areas of her remaining undergarments, but that would be a lot harder if we tried to dress her. Putting clothes on an unconscious adult would be difficult enough on its own.

We lifted her up enough to get a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and tucked another one over her. Then I pulled a kitchen chair beside the couch so I could take a look at her knees.

They were covered in scrapes, many of which were still bleeding, and her shins had been battered too. I saw similar cuts on her elbows and forearms. She must've washed right over the sharp rocks in the shallows when she got to shore. I cleaned her cuts and bandaged them with antiseptic ointment, and then I covered her over again and let her be.

Annalee immediately went to the kitchen and started making tea and heating up chicken noodle soup, even though I told her we had no idea when the woman would wake up.

That was the thing: how much longer would she be unconscious? Did she have a head injury or something else we couldn't see? Shouldn't I be calling an ambulance right now?

But something made me hesitate. I wasn't sure why, but I just wanted to get the woman's permission first. It was a strange impulse but one I felt pretty strongly. I sat back in my chair and closed the first aid kit. If she didn't come to within the hour, I told myself, then I'd call someone.

And even though I was keenly aware of her lying there, I still started and dropped the first aid kit when she moved her foot.

"Miss?" I asked tensely. Annalee heard my voice and came dashing over, but I put my arm up in front of her to keep her from overwhelming the woman.

"Are you okay?" Annalee asked in a quiet voice.

The woman stirred and breathed out a pained moan that turned into a cough. She'd probably inhaled far more water than was healthy. She squeezed her eyes tight, and then when they opened...

She fixed them on me.

**Chapter Three **

_**Nan**_

So I wasn't dead after all. I could tell because of how much it hurt to breathe.

I couldn't remember much right then. There was darkness and flashes of light, gasping for air and being dragged all around, hitting something that hurt and falling down somewhere hard. And now... I didn't know where this was either.

I tried to move my legs, and when they did, I moaned at how much they hurt. But this place was soft and warm and steady. I had to be somewhere safe, right? I dredged up the strength to open my eyes.

They felt crusted closed and dry as sand, but soon light broke into my vision. Everything was blurry and my head spun. But then something came into focus, something that grounded me.

A face.

It was a woman with short, messy black hair, an angular jaw, and the most vibrant gray eyes I'd ever seen. They were rimmed by lashes so dark I thought she had on eyeliner at first. She wore an expression like she was partly startled, partly concerned, and partly at a loss as to what to do.

That was when the memory of everything that happened suddenly collapsed on me. My eyes flew wide and I tried to sit up, but it was no use. Every part of me ached and I couldn't even get onto my elbows.

"Ow, fuck," I swore woozily. "How did I... Where is this?"

The woman leaned closer and I noticed a little girl standing at her side and clutching her shoulder. She looked nothing like the woman—her hair was a deeper black and silkier, and her skin was a light brown whereas the woman's was pale. Her expression, also in contrast, was full of awe.

"This is the lighthouse," the woman told me. "My home. I'm Cass, and this is my daughter, Annalee."

"I found you on the beach!" Annalee broke in excitedly. "I thought you were a mermaid because you were covered in seaweed!"

"I bet I wouldn't have almost drowned if I was a mermaid," I muttered. Then I remembered my manners. "Thank you. I'm Nan."

"How are you feeling?" Cass asked. She slid herself to the edge of her chair and rested her elbows on her knees. "You're pretty banged up, but I don't think you have any broken bones."

"I think I'm still whole," I said. "If anything was broken I'd have one particular part of me screaming in pain rather than everything just kind of moaning. And stinging. God, salt water in a cut _hurts._"

"It does! One time this summer I cut my toe on a mussel shell and I went in the ocean and it stinged a lot," Annalee agreed fervently. "Do you want tea? I made some! It's probably not too hot anymore. But I can microwave it. I'm allowed. Also I have honey from Bert and Carlos. They bought it for me at the farmers market."

I thought about it, but my stomach didn't really like the idea of anything with flavor. "Um, I could just really use some water."

"You got it!" Annalee zipped away, and after she was gone, I focused on Cass.

"You found me on the beach?" I still could only vaguely remember crawling out of the ocean, but being smashed against rocks by the waves stuck with me.

"Yeah," Cass replied. "I thought Annalee was just pretending at first when she told me she found you, but I went down to check. We brought you up here to get you warm again, but I didn't know if..." Her eyes widened. "That's right, I should call the paramedics for you just to make sure you're okay."

"No!" I struggled to sit up again but it was about as successful as before. Cass frowned at me and I tried to tone down my intensity. I knew being that vehement about it was suspicious. "No, I'm really okay, just sore. Thanks."

"Okay..." Cass sounded uncertain, but she let it drop for the moment. "How did you end up all the way out here? Were you swimming? The currents can be seriously dangerous sometimes, even if you keep close to the beaches."

I shook my head and embarrassment made me feel unpleasantly hot all over, even though I welcomed the warmth of the blankets a minute ago. "No, I was...sailing. I'm an idiot, is all. The people at the rental company told me not to leave the harbor, and I did anyway, and—" I stopped short, hit with a realization. "I'm going to have to pay them back for the boat," I groaned and slapped my hand to my face. "When will I ever learn?"

Cass winced sympathetically. "It turned out to be the worst possible time to go sailing, even for experienced people."

"And I'm not even one of those_,_" I sighed. "I'm just an idiot, I told you. I had one day of learning to sail in my life and I thought that'd be enough. If I ran into trouble, I could just...wing it. Or something." That drew a look of disapproval from her, and for some reason it stung far more than it should've coming from a stranger. I slouched back down into the blankets.

"Are you just visiting the area?" she asked me. I probably reddened even more, but she'd touched on a major nerve without knowing it.

"Yeah. I mean... Probably." I shrugged and focused on my hands, which were dry with salt and still had little bits of ocean crap all over them. When I lifted my eyes to Cass's face again, she had on a waiting expression, as if she expected me to go on. She had every right to. "I'm looking for a change," I explained casually. "I thought maybe I'd move to the area."

Cass covered a skeptical look, but not before I saw it. "It's a great place to live, if you don't mind solitude half of the time and goodhearted but extremely meddlesome neighbors the other half."

I averted my gaze and widened my eyes with displeasure. "The solitude I'm all for. Meddlesome neighbors are the last thing I need."

There was a silence, and I could practically feel an aura of growing suspicion radiating from Cass. I tried a weak smile, but it didn't diffuse the tension. I was going to have to learn to keep my trap shut if I wanted any chance of laying low.

"I get that," Cass said neutrally. "That's why I live all the way out here." She paused pensively as if debating whether she should say more. "Are you here on your own?"

"Oh yeah, definitely. No one's going to be looking for me, thank goodness." At that, Cass frowned again, and I winced internally. "I mean, I'm glad I'm not worrying anyone. Anyone who would, like, miss me." I heard how that sounded and backpedaled. "What I mean is, nobody's going to be frantically searching for my corpse with the Coast Guard or anything like that. So you don't need to call anybody. Please."

A change came over Cass's face: her eyes turned intense with realization and she reached out and took my hand so fast I wondered if she even knew she'd done it at all.

"Nan, are you in danger?" she asked tensely. Heat tickled over my skin again, but it wasn't embarrassment this time. Nobody had looked at me with that kind of earnest, judgment-free concern in...I didn't know how long. And it scared me almost as much as I craved it.

"Oh, no, no, no!" I laughed awkwardly. With her hand squeezing mine and her body so close, I didn't know what to do with myself. As usual, words just came out before I had a chance to mentally edit them. "If I'm running from anyone, it's myself."

At that, Cass's brows drew together in confusion. She suddenly seemed to realize that she'd taken my hand without thinking, and she let go with a little jump and leaned back in her chair.

"Oh. Uh, I'm sure a lot of people could say that. You're sure you're safe, though?"

I smiled. It was so sweet that she wanted to be certain. "Yeah, absolutely," I told her with a dismissive wave. "I'm just like anybody else. I made some mistakes and I want to start over, that's all. Who hasn't wanted to do that at some point, right?"

Cass lowered her eyes and her jaw tightened. "Right, sure."

I felt a little trickle of uncertainty in my stomach as the impression that I'd said the wrong thing sank in. It was right then that I realized something that I really should've noticed a long time ago.

I wasn't wearing anything but my underwear.

I scrambled to pull the blankets tighter around me and when I looked over at Cass, her face had turned pink. "What happened to my clothes?!" I asked, flustered.

At this point, Annalee returned with a glass of water and a plate of apple wedges with a blob of peanut butter.

"They were wet! You would've caught your death!" The little girl looked at me with just as much earnestness as her mother but none of the embarrassment.

"Did you...take them off?" I was mortified by the idea, and not least of all because the very idea of Cass's hands brushing my bare skin made a storm of butterflies take flight in my middle. I'd met this woman less than a half hour ago, but she _had_ rescued me from certain death, after all... And she had the kind of face and form artists would want to sculpt into marble.

Even though all that made for a pretty attractive picture, I had no business feeling anything but shock (and probably a little indignation) that I'd been undressed without my permission.

"I'm so sorry," Cass said, scooting her chair away as if putting space between us to keep me from feeling threatened. "We just didn't know how long you'd be unconscious and we didn't want you to..."

"Catch my death?" I supplied with a wavering chuckle. I didn't think I'd ever had anyone apologize so sincerely, and I could tell that Cass was nothing if not sincere. If she were some random man and not an EMT or something, things would be much different. But even though I had learned pretty well _not_ to trust my own judgment, it just felt like Cass was completely innocent in her intentions.

Not to mention Annalee, who said to me, "I had to convince her to do it. She was being _so dumb,_" she added with an eyeroll. "Anybody would rather get out of their wet clothes than die just because their rescuer was too shy to do it!"

Cass sent her daughter a pleading look. "I was trying to be considerate!"

"It's okay," I broke in. "She's right. I'm just glad to be alive."

"We're glad you're alive too!" Annalee said, her eyes bright with excitement. This was probably the most interesting thing to happen to her all year. Right then I caught Cass looking at me, studying my face with a quiet sort of fascination. Then she shook her head and her cheeks turned ruddy again. She ran her hand over her short hair and gave me a brief smile.

"Yeah. We are."

I was glad to hear that, but the look she'd given me made my insides knot up, and that was much less pleasant than the butterflies.

She'd given no sign of it before, but...

Did she recognize me?

**Chapter Four **

_**Cass**_

So our "mermaid" apparently had a secret.

_Everybody has them, I told myself. It's none of my business. _

But whatever Nan's secret was, it didn't seem like a small one. Running away from herself, making mistakes, wanting to start over...

It all sounded way too familiar. And as much as I hated it, I couldn't stop it from coloring my impression of her.

After Nan drank a few glasses of water and ate some of the apple slices with peanut butter that Annalee fixed for her, she asked if she could take a shower. I didn't blame her; even though I'd grown up around here and practically lived in the ocean every summer of my childhood, it felt inarguably gross being covered in sand and salt and bits of seaweed once you were out of the water. I told Nan where we kept towels and handed her the shirt and pajama pants, and she went upstairs to shower.

Annalee immediately ran over to me hugged me around the waist, looking up at me with an enormous grin.

"This is the coolest thing that's ever happened to me!" she said in a loud whisper, as if Nan could hear us from inside the shower a floor above. "I heard everything you guys were talking about. Maybe she's in witness protection! Or an undercover detective!"

"I doubt she's either of those," I said, tucking a stray hair behind Annalee's ear. "Seems to me she's just a regular person who needed a change. Sometimes, that's the only thing you can do to be happy."

Annalee's mouth turned down in a frown. She'd heard me say that before, and she wasn't satisfied with it now any more than the other times. But she didn't comment.

"Once she's showered and rested," I said, "we'll find out where she's staying and take her back into town."

Annalee made a protesting sound. "We're just going to dump her there alone? She's probably still hurt! And scared! She wouldn't let you call a doctor so if there's anything wrong, she should have someone watching out for her!"

"What do you want us to do, Annalee?" I shrugged noncommittally. "Ask her to stay?" The moment I said it, I knew my daughter wasn't about to take that the way I meant it—that it was out of the question. She nodded enthusiastically.

"Exactly! She can stay here! We can nurse her back to health!"

I sighed. "This isn't a fairytale. She seems healthy enough as it is, and I'm sure she has places to be." Although, with the way Nan talked about it, she seemed a lot like all she was doing right now was drifting. It was mere chance that she'd washed up on _our_ shore of all places.

"We should at least offer," Annalee said sulkily.

"All right, but odds are she'll want to leave." Strangely, hearing those words come out of my mouth made my chest tighten, like someone had tied a rope around my heart and was slowly squeezing it. I pushed the feeling away. Why would I want a stranger staying in my house? I loved my solitude, so much so that I was considered eccentric even among a town full of eccentrics.

I was intrigued, that's why. I'd always loved a good mystery, and that's exactly what Nan was. But she was a real person, I reminded myself, and in reality, people's motivations are usually a lot simpler than whatever fantasy we've build up around them.

"We'll see," Annalee told me in a fair imitation of a "mom" voice. "Can I go out again? I hardly got to explore anything before I found Nan."

"Okay, go ahead," I said.

While she was outside and Nan was still in the shower, I worked on some lighthouse tour scheduling. I was checking the signup form on our website when I heard footfalls on the stairs.

I turned to see Nan coming down from the second floor. The pajama pants were far too long for her and they pooled around her bare feet, but the t-shirt fit reasonably well...until I had the realization that unless she'd put on her soaked, salt-encrusted bra and panties again, she must be going commando.

I forced myself to look nowhere but her face and adamantly avoid watching anything that might jiggle. She looked fresher, certainly, and a little more comfortable, but she was holding her hair over her shoulder in one fist and trying to comb through the ends with her fingers.

When she saw me, she stopped. "Do you think you could...help?" she asked, a little hesitant. "My hair is _so_ frigging tangled and I must have banged up my arms more than I thought because I can't reach it well enough to comb it out myself."

"Oh, yeah, of course," I said, getting up. I motioned to her to come over to the couch and she seated herself while I jogged upstairs to the bathroom and returned with some of Annalee's detangling spray and a comb. When I sat down, she turned her back to face me and I spritzed her hair and started to carefully work out the snarls.

"I feel like I washed about ten pounds of sand down your drain," she said apologetically. "Sorry about that."

"Hey, I live at the beach and I've got a little girl," I replied. "We've had more sand than that through these pipes."

"Your daughter's really sweet," Nan said. "I'm lucky she likes to scavenge the beach, or I'd be just another statistic in the 'such-and-such many people die in boating accidents every year' posters they have at the rental places."

I chuckled. "Annalee's a great kid. This old place would be nothing without her."

"Is it just the two of you?" Nan asked. The backs of my fingers brushed against her skin as I held her hair in a low ponytail to comb out the ends, and I could've sworn I felt her shiver beneath my touch. I pulled my hand an inch or two away, but it was like the warmth of her skin was a liquid that stuck to me. Even after getting banged up and nearly drowned, she was still so soft and smooth.

And her hair was equally beautiful. It was already drying in loose waves which, clean and wet, were a dark maple syrup color that I suspected would lighten to honey. I tried to focus on just untangling it, because noticing all of these other things was making me feel strange and out of balance.

"Yeah, just me and Annalee," I replied. "We adopted her when she was two." Nan probably would've liked more than that, especially the "we" part, but I hadn't talked about the way our family used to be in a long time. Everybody in town knew the whole story about me, Holly, and Annalee, so I never really had to go into it. The idea of delving into something that personal with a woman I didn't even know made my insides contract with reluctance.

Holly and I fell in love hard and fast. She was from out of town, a beautiful artist who came to Cape Summer to get inspiration from all the natural seaside beauty we had to offer here. Her paintings were sublime; they used to line the walls in our lighthouse home, and we kept several of them up even though it still hurt, after two years, to look at them. I refused to be selfish enough to take down Annalee's reminders of her other mom.

There was one right across from where we sat now, in fact, beside our big, round window that looked out over the sea. It was a view of a field of lupin flowers, tall stalks of purple, pink, pale blue, and white blossoms. In real life, lupin fields like that flowed in the wind like waves, and Holly's painting somehow captured that motion. It was stunning...but every time I looked at it, I saw the time the three of us visited that field and Annalee and I played in the flowers while Holly painted. It was one of my most golden memories.

I couldn't even pass that stupid field in a car anymore without tearing up.

When I was silent for a few moments and didn't elaborate, Nan moved on to another question. "Have you always lived at this lighthouse?"

That was a much easier one. "I have. I grew up here," I told her. "I come from several generations of lighthouse-keepers, all the way back to my grandmother's great-grandfather. I don't have any brothers or sisters, so it was natural for me to take over, and I wouldn't have wanted to leave anyway. It's in my blood now and I can't imagine being happy anywhere else."

Nan glanced at me over her shoulder with a quiet smile. "That sounds really nice." Her voice was a little wistful, and I wondered again where she'd come from and what she'd been doing before she decided she needed that "change." But if I didn't want to open up about my own history, I couldn't expect her to.

That led me, though, to the question Annalee made me promise to ask. It should've been a simple enough thing, but for some reason I couldn't find the right words. I continued to work on the knots in her hair in silence until I could run the comb through without it catching on anything.

"That should do it," I told her, and Nan gathered her hair up and pulled it over her shoulder with a sigh of relief.

"I was sure I'd make myself bald if I had to do it on my own," she said. "Thanks."

"Sure." I drew back and unfolded my legs, putting some space between us. It was usually my instinct to be a bit distant and impersonal, and that's how I would've treated anyone I barely knew. But with Nan, I had to purposefully make myself back off. With her sitting on my couch like this, I was torn between how unreal this whole situation felt and the tension of dealing with it the way I needed to, because it _was_ real.

_I had no right scolding Annalee,_ I sighed internally. When Nan washed up on our beach and we brought her up to our home, it honestly felt like I was rescuing a mermaid in a fairytale. And those flights of fancy weren't like me.

At least, they weren't like the "me" I wanted everyone to know.

"Whenever you're feeling up to it," I began hesitantly, trying to sound perfectly normal and not as inexplicably conflicted as I felt, "I can drive you back to town. You're probably staying at a hotel or somewhere...?"

Nan's mouth opened in dismay and she sunk back into the couch. "I just got here today," she said despondently. "I took a bus. My suitcase is at the boat rental place, and my phone and wallet were on the boat." She covered her face with her hands and moaned. "God, I'm such an _idiot._"

My heart jumped up into my throat. There was no way of getting out of it now; I had to ask. It would be a terrible thing to just turn her out into the world without money or identification or anything.

"Um," I faltered, "if you want, you can stay here. For a bit. But don't worry, I'll take you right into town if that's what you want. I'd never try to keep you here. But you can, if you need to. Want to. To stay, I mean." My face flushed and I closed my mouth before I had a chance to make an even bigger fool of myself. Babbling in front of a woman? Really? I hadn't done that since I was a baby lesbian.

Nan was looking at me with wide eyes that showed both surprise and a tinge of disbelief. I immediately regretted offering this at all. How creepy did it sound for a complete stranger—even one who _did_ rescue you—to ask you to stay at their house? She probably just wanted to get away from here, settle the whole mess with the boat and her lost belongings, and get back to her life.

"I'm not talking about in here," I said quickly. "We have a little attached guest cottage that we rent to tourists sometimes. You could stay there."

She still watched me warily, but then her expression softened. Her mouth pulled to one side in a wry smile.

"I thought people like you were just a myth," she said, and I frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"People who care about strangers."

My heartbeat picked up a little and I dropped my eyes self-consciously. "What am I supposed to do, toss you out on your ass when you've got no money, no way to get home, and nowhere to stay? I can't do that."

Nan laughed, and I realized it was the first time I'd heard that sound from her. Her laugh was beautiful. It filled the room with light.

"That's what I mean. Most people could, and _would._ You don't even know me. I could be trouble."

"I'd hope that getting wrecked and nearly drowned during a storm would be filling your quota of trouble for a while," I replied. She let out a soft snort as if that were a ridiculous thing to hope for. I lifted my eyebrows and went on. "Anyhow, the offer stands. Or if you want me to take you into town right now, I'll do that too. Either way, you can use our phone to call your family and your bank to get new cards or whatever."

At that, Nan looked down into her lap with a strange expression that I couldn't quite identify. She rubbed at one fingernail.

"It's fine," she said quickly. "There isn't anyone, really. You know, I still feel pretty awful after this whole..." She rolled her eyes slightly. "Adventure. I hurt all over and the thought of food makes me nauseated even though I'm hungry." She lifted her eyes to me then gave a weak little smile. "So I'll take you up on your offer of the cottage."

There was a little dip in my stomach when she said those words. Was it a nervous one or a happy one? Sometimes I couldn't tell the difference, and right now was definitely one of those times.

I also wasn't sure what to make of the fact that she said she didn't have anyone to contact, but that was none of my business. I'd asked her to stay, so I had no right to qualify that with "tell me your life story." I'd never want someone to do that to me.

"Annalee will be so happy," I replied with a chuckle. "I think she might still believe you're really a mermaid."

"Maybe I am," Nan said, and then she winked at me and I almost fell off the couch. "Like I said, I could be anybody."

"I think I would've noticed the tail," I joked, but my insides were still all unsteady. That wink hit me like a wrecking ball.

"You've never seen _The Little Mermaid?_" Nan asked teasingly. "There are all kinds of ways we mermaids can get legs."

Just then, the door banged open and Annalee came bounding in. She ran right up to us and said, without any thought to whether I'd approached the subject with Nan, "Have you asked her yet?!"

Nan burst out laughing and I sighed but couldn't hide a smile.

"Yes," I said, "and she's going to be staying in the cottage until she feels better."

Annalee shouted with excitement. "I can't wait to tell the kids at school that we've got a mermaid living with us!"

I shook my head at her, chuckling. But when I looked over at Nan, she met my eyes and we shared the knowing smile of two people who had expected the same reaction from a child: a look I'd often shared with Holly.

I swallowed and my heart squeezed, and now Nan regarded me with a small, confused frown. I had nothing to tell her, though. Nothing I _could_ tell her.

How had this woman worked her way into my confidence so quickly? Maybe she was really a siren and not a mermaid.

**Chapter Five **

_**Nan**_

She asked me to stay. Holy shit, she asked me to stay! First this gorgeous woman pulls me from the jaws of death (or, more appropriately, the icy ocean of death) and then she offers to let me recuperate in her own home?

Cass seemed surprised when I told her how selfless that was. I don't know what I would've done otherwise, so of course I said yes.

So that was how I ended up spending my first night in a lighthouse.

I felt a little guilty about the act I pulled when I agreed. It wasn't entirely an act, though—I _did_ hurt everywhere, and even the next morning, my stomach still felt like I was on a ship that was rolling up and down on the sea. But there was something deeper, something more than physical, that made me want to stay away from town.

For one thing, the thought of driving across that narrow spit of land between the lighthouse rock and the mainland made me feel like I might start hyperventilating. It was barely wide enough for the road and there weren't any guard rails. All I could think of was plummeting into the ocean again, this time in a car so drowning would be even more likely of an outcome.

The other reason, though, was because I was afraid someone in town might recognize me. Sure, I'd colored my hair before I took off on this little vacation. But nearly dying, getting much closer to it than I'd ever gotten before, made me feel more ashamed than ever of the mistakes I made in my past. Life was precious, and what the hell had I been doing to take care of mine? I couldn't bear the thought of anyone realizing who I was and bringing all that out again.

Gossip would run rampant in a place like this. Soon the newspapers would be all over it: _Disgraced Celebrity Leaves Drug Rehab Behind to Hide in Sleepy Seaside Town!_

I had to steer clear of that at all costs. It had nothing to do with it that staying here meant I'd be beside the woman who, in just a few hours, had offered more to protect me than I'd felt in a long time.

The little cottage Cass put me in was so charming I would've taken a hundred pictures of it if I still had my phone. It seemed very unlike her, though: soft, plush, and kind of frilly. The warm wood floors complemented the color scheme of creamy whites and pale blues, and the couch, chairs, curtains, and bedspread had different but harmonizing patterns featuring delicate flowers and waves and the like. There were several beautiful paintings as well, and I recognized a couple of them as portraying the Cape Summer harbor and this very lighthouse.

She probably decorated it so it would appeal to the average tourist she rented it to, but still, I chuckled to think of her fussing with all of the throw pillows and the knickknacks on the coffee table.

The cottage was connected to Cass and Annalee's home within the lighthouse through an enclosed passage like a kind of mudroom. I hadn't been awake for a very long time the next morning when Annalee came knocking on my door and invited me over to breakfast.

"All we've got is cereal right now," Annalee told me as she led me back through the passage. "But my mama said we could go blueberry-picking today! Blueberries make cereal more special, _and_ maybe we'll get to make blueberry pancakes!"

When we came through the door, Cass was just pulling the pot from under the coffee maker. The smell of fresh coffee woke my senses and made my hunger win over any queasiness that was left.

Cass caught my expression and, amused, poured me a cup without even asking. I took it gratefully.

"Morning," she said, and I nodded in response.

"Morning."

Now that I'd recovered a little, I could fully appreciate how beautiful she was. This wasn't only through the eyes of someone who'd just had her life saved; Cass was tall and strong with lean muscles and a silhouette that a Greek statue might envy. Her black hair was short enough so that she never would've even needed a bobby pin to keep it out of her eyes, but there were still tiny curls at the nape of her neck and behind her ears that softened the cut. And she had a scar, I suddenly noticed, maybe half an inch long and far back on her cheekbone.

How did she get it, I wondered? Within a scarce few hours of meeting her, I'd developed a hunger to know more about her. But someone who needed to be as cagey as I did had no right to ask any personal questions.

Annalee kindly poured me a bowl of Honey-Nut Cheerios and we all sat together at the kitchen table. I could tell by the way Cass kept sneaking looks at me that she felt awkward about this whole situation.

"I'll take you into town today, if you want," she said after a few minutes. "You've probably got things you want to do."

My stomach flipped over. If I could avoid town entirely, I would, but I did need to pay for the damn sailboat I wrecked. My suitcase could wait.

"I feel so embarrassed about this whole fiasco," I confessed. "I have to talk to the sailboat rental company, but maybe I could do that over the phone? If I can use yours?"

"Oh, of course," Cass said. "You can make whatever calls you want." She indicated the telephone, which was over on the counter by the refrigerator. It seemed very like her to still have a land line.

"And then we can go blueberry-picking!" Annalee reminded us with an impatient wiggle.

"_If_ you're feeling up to it," Cass said to me.

I nodded with a little smile. "Picking blueberries doesn't sound too dangerous, so I think I'll be fine."

"With this one along," Cass replied, nodding at her daughter, "you never know."

"Hey!" Annalee protested. "We only saw a black bear that one time and I didn't even go close!"

"But you wanted to," Cass said pointedly.

"The point is I _didn't. Duh,_ Mama." Annalee dug into her cereal like staying away from a bear showed a superhuman amount of restraint.

After breakfast, I made the calls to my bank for a replacement credit card and to the sailboat rental company. It was excruciatingly embarrassing to tell them I'd lost their boat, but they were very relieved I was alive. They had insurance on the boats, they told me, and even though I confessed to going out too far, all they did was keep the damage deposit.

I hung up the phone with a deep sigh of relief, but that weight off my mind was tinged with nervousness about what we'd be doing for the rest of the day.

"I didn't get to see much of the point the lighthouse is built on," I said to Cass. "Are the blueberries nearby?" The west-facing window of the house showed the narrow road to land, and even though it gave me a major case of the willies, I suspected we'd have to cross it if we wanted to go on Annalee's field trip.

"No," Cass told me with a raised eyebrow like the answer was obvious. "Not much grows up here but grass. The blueberry barrens are up north a ways, twenty minutes or so."

"Oh," I replied wanly. "Great." Now her eyebrows furrowed even more, this time with a question.

"Is that a problem?"

"No, no." I pulled my loose hair over my shoulder and gathered it into a ponytail. "I just... Okay, this is really dumb, but the road from the lighthouse over to the land is freaking me out. One accidental veer and we'd all be sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I've had enough of that for an entire lifetime."

Cass's face relaxed with understanding, and Annalee scooted her chair closer to mine.

"You can hold my hand!" Annalee said. "And Mama is a really good driver. We haven't veered even once. Not even in the wintertime."

"That's really sweet of you," I said to her. I was still nervous, but that kindness warmed my heart. "I'll definitely feel better if you do."

_I'd feel even better, a sly part of me whispered, if it were Cass holding my hand. _

She didn't, though, and I wasn't remotely surprised. So far, she struck me as a standoffish person, even though she was considerate and principled enough to help me when she had no reason to. She definitely wasn't the sort to offer to hold my hand just for fun.

With Annalee's little fingers wrapped around mine, we rode in Cass's truck down the causeway. I tried to listen to her as she told me about the time they'd seen the bear, and she did a pretty good job of distracting me...but even a single glance down at the rough, dark blue water that lapped below either side of the road made my skin crawl. I'd be lucky if I ever felt safe stepping foot on a boat again, and that frustrated the hell out of me.

"How was that?" Annalee asked me hopefully after we pulled onto the main road that led up the coast.

"It absolutely helped," I told her, and she grinned. She really was a super cute kid. Cass had obviously raised her right. That was another thing I wondered—had Cass raised her alone? Who was the "we" she mentioned when telling me about adopting Annalee?

I resigned myself to maybe never knowing. Again, none of my business.

The drive along the coast was unarguably beautiful. I remembered visiting this area when I was a little girl on vacation with my grandparents, but I hadn't been here since. When we passed marshes, they were bursting with green and golden reeds and full of all kinds of birds. The slopes that ran down to the ocean were alternately covered with leafy bushes, grass, and lichen-covered rocks. In some places, surf sprayed in white plumes against the black rocks at the feet of the cliffs.

After not long we reached the blueberry barrens. This was another hillside running down to the sea, blanketed with waist-high bushes and shot through with narrow paths that branched and came together. We stopped at a small dirt parking lot and Annalee bounded out of the truck.

Cass took a few small beach buckets out of the back of the truck and handed one to Annalee and me. The buckets had a line of permanent marker drawn about two inches from the top.

"Remember," Cass said to Annalee, "you can fill the bucket up to the line, and that's all. We have to leave some for the birds and other people."

"And bears!" Annalee added. She grabbed my hand again and led me down one of the paths. I looked back at Cass with an amused smile, which she returned.

It made my breath catch to see her smile like that, completely at ease, not even a little bit conflicted. Did she have any idea how stunning she was? I watched her as she gracefully ambled down the trail behind us, her eyes on the bushes and the slight breeze ruffling her hair.

Probably not.

I spent a lot of the next hour or two with Annalee stuck to my side, picking blueberries for her bucket and then for mine too. It was fun foraging like this, even though I only picked a few myself and let Annalee fill my bucket most of the way. It wasn't something my formerly glamorous lifestyle made time for, and I got the same kind of thrill you get when hunting for pretty seashells—except in this case, we got to eat what we found.

Cass was always within sight, but she often wandered a few paths away. I caught myself searching for her every so often so I could watch her while she picked berries. She looked relaxed, but occasionally she'd glance over at Annalee or out to sea and a faraway sadness would flit over her face. It was always gone before I had a chance to get any deeper impression of it.

"You know," I said to Annalee one time that Cass was close nearby, "I used to pick blueberries with my grandmother like this when I was around your age."

"Really?" Annalee asked. "In Maine?"

"Yeah, we came here a few times on vacation in the summer. Have you read _Blueberries for Sal?_"

"'Course I have!" Annalee scoffed. "They read it to us in preschool _and_ kindergarten _and_ first grade _and_ second grade."

I grinned. "Growing up in Maine, I guess they would. Probably that's why you were so excited to see a bear, right?" The picture book told the story of a little girl and a bear cub who meet while picking blueberries.

"They're not as dangerous as everybody says," Annalee told me.

Cass gave her a look. "Maybe they get a bad reputation, but they're still wild animals," she said. "And we're still going to give them a lot of space if we see one."

"Well," I went, seeing Annalee start to pout, "when we'd go picking, my grandmother used to say it was 'blueberries for Nan.' We'd eat most of them before we got back to the hotel, but we'd always save some for cereal."

"I think blueberry pancakes are in order for tonight," Cass said. "Blueberries for Nan." She smiled at me, somewhat tentatively, and I gave her my most dazzling smile in return. I was delighted to see her cheeks turn a bit pink.

Cass looked away with a flustered shake of her head. "Anyway, picking blueberries is much more fun than digging for clams, if we're going to talk about Sal." The author of _Blueberries for Sal_ had also written a book in which Sal and her father went clam-digging. "I used to go with my dad and I hated it, because one time I crushed one with the shovel while I was trying to dig it up. I always thought that must've really hurt it so I didn't want to do it again. But considering we were only going to steam and eat them later, it was a silly thing to worry about."

"So you were a kind little girl, just like your daughter," I said. "There's nothing wrong with that."

Cass's self-deprecating smile softened and our eyes caught. I felt like they held me as gently as a down blanket. I was good at schmoozing, at sweet-talking, yeah—but I think she could tell I really meant it. And it was so refreshing to be around someone who took my words at face value.

"I tell her things like that all the time," Annalee put in. "Maybe she'll listen to _you._"

I dropped a handful of blueberries in Annalee's bucket and said to her softly, "I hope so."

**Chapter Six **

_**Cass**_

We made blueberry pancakes that night. Nan helped me cook them and told me about the vacations she'd taken up here when she was little. As usual, Annalee used enough syrup to float her pancakes out to sea.

You know that feeling you get when a cautious cat finally comes over and rubs against your leg? I felt the same kind of warmth when Nan started to share things about herself with me. Stories from childhood are pretty safe territory anyway, but I felt comfortable enough to return the favor and tell her some of my own.

It was surreal in a lot of ways to have two grown women in the lighthouse again. Of course I had a few local friends, and Annalee had kids from school over from time to time, but nothing felt like...this. Nothing but the way it'd been with Holly here.

In a weird way, it reminded me of Thanksgiving. As a kid, most of my family lived in the lighthouse. My dad's parents moved to the cottage when they got too old to want to keep going up and down stairs all the time. Our other relatives lived far away. We had dinner together practically every night, but Thanksgiving was somehow different.

We didn't have those giant Thanksgiving dinners like you see in the movies where the 1950s father carves the turkey and the wife wears pearls. At our house we'd have maybe one or two extra guests, an aunt or a cousin that we hadn't gotten to see for a while. Cooking and eating a fancy dinner with them was a special treat. And, of course, a week's worth of delicious leftovers to enjoy.

It kind of felt a little bit like that right now, with Nan: pancakes made with blueberries we picked ourselves and a guest who carried an air of mystery and uniqueness with her. All of that created a bewildering lull of familiarity and comfort.

The next day, something happened to make that strike home in an even stronger way. Nan rode with me into to town so we could get her suitcase, pick up a pair of shoes and a few other clothing essentials, and pick Annalee up from her elementary school. Being a really curious, imaginative kid, Annalee loved school so far. But today, she was very quiet when she got into the truck and when I asked her about what she'd done that day, she just shrugged.

"We practiced subtraction," she said. "And then we played 'store.'" Her class was currently learning about money and how we count coins. Usually, at this point, Annalee would launch into a story about what she sold and bought and who she pretended to be at their imaginary store, but she just kicked her heels lazily against the floor of the truck.

"Is that all?" I asked.

She pulled her mouth to one side hesitantly and didn't meet my eyes. "I heard some teachers talking about you," she said. The muscles in my shoulders tightened and I started the truck and pulled out onto the road in the hopes of making her feel like everything was normal. This was the first time Annalee had mentioned overhearing people giving me grief about the way I was bringing her up.

"What did they say?" I asked carefully. I did my best to be nonchalant, but my heart was pounding and I saw Nan give us both a quick glance before looking out the window. When Annalee didn't answer, I continued: "Please tell me, love. I won't be mad at you."

"They said I shouldn't be living in the lighthouse!" Annalee's eyes were indignant and hurt. "That I shouldn't live out on the island. They talk about it like it's not even part of America! They said I don't get to be in the social nation because Mom isn't here."

"Mm," I said neutrally. "Socialization. Yes, teachers are always concerned about that." Unconsciously, I worried my lip with my teeth, and then I made myself stop when I realized I was doing it. I hated that Annalee was being impacted by smallminded idiots and their opinions of me. It was bad enough hearing it myself.

Little towns like Cape Summer always had more than their fair share of gossips. Word got around quickly and while most people minded their own business when you met them face-to-face, they had no qualms talking about you behind your back. And they were always the first ones to offer their unsolicited advice. Everyone else was an expert on raising my kid but me, it seemed.

"_Without Holly, nobody takes that girl anywhere. She was so friendly, and who does the poor girl have now? What a shame." _

"_Don't you want your daughter to have more friends? Grow up like a normal kid?" _

"_It's unhealthy for a little girl to live out there. Think of the danger!" _

"_That whole family never was very neighborly until Holly came along." _

"_I feel sorry for her, don't you? All alone with nobody to talk to. She'll become a recluse just like her mother." _

The more I thought about it, the more anger smoldered inside me. How dare they make judgments about how I was raising Annalee? She was eight years old, for god's sake. It wasn't like I hadn't gotten her involved in plenty of things, like gymnastics and a horseback-riding camp...but Holly had usually been the one to drive her, so they all just assumed.

And bringing Holly up was a really low blow. The pain of it melded with the anger until my fingers started to shake, and I gripped the wheel so neither of them would notice.

"I don't like it when they talk about you like that," Annalee said resentfully. "It isn't fair."

"No, it's not. Sometimes people are going to talk, because they don't know anything and they've got nothing better to do with their lives than pass judgment on other people." I stewed for a moment in silence. "Don't tell your teachers I said that."

Annalee looked down at her hands and slouched. "I wouldn't ever."

I winced a little at her expression. I'd gotten too defensive, I knew. But at times like this, I couldn't quite control it even though it would've been better for my daughter if I could. It upset me that people questioned my ability to parent, and feeling defensive and threatened about it brought out the worst in me, which in turn made me a shitty parent. It was a cycle of guilt and frustration that often took me hours to get out of.

At that moment, though, Nan stepped in.

"Annalee," she said, softly cheerful. "Have you ever been in a movie?"

Annalee gave her a "you've got to be kidding" look but started to smile. "No, silly."

"Have you ever pretended you're in a movie?"

"Yeah, I do that all the time!" Annalee sat up straighter. "Movies and plays and books. Books mostly. But when I'm playing movie, I imagine what I'd look like on the screen."

"How would you like playing movie with me? I bet if we asked nicely, we could stop at the pharmacy and pick up a couple of things for makeup." Nan looked over Annalee's head at me, and although I was surprised at her suggestion, I nodded.

"Please, Mama?" Annalee turned to me. "Can we please stop and get a little makeup?" She knew I never wore any and we had nothing in the house that would work.

"Sure," I said with a little smile. "That's a great idea."

When we returned home, Annalee was carrying a small plastic bag with some inexpensive blush, lipstick, and eyeshadow. She ran the whole way from the dirt space where we parked up the steps and to the lighthouse door.

I hung back with Nan for just a second and met her eyes. Hers were a hazel gray-green and reminded me of the sea—ironic, since she seemed so wary of it now. They were large and charming and right then, looking into them and preparing to be so truthful with her, my scalp tingled with the intimateness of this moment. "Thank you," I told her. "You really turned her day around. I'm not good at...bouncing back, when people say that kind of thing. I really appreciate what you're doing for her."

"Oh, it's easy!" Nan told me smoothly. "I remember what it was like being her age. And it's easier to make her feel special when I'm somebody new and exciting."

"She does think you're exciting," I agreed. I had the ridiculous impulse to add "and so do I," but I kept it to myself.

Inside, Nan sat Annalee down at the kitchen table and turned a chair to face hers. She set out the makeup and for the next hour, they played with various looks. When Annalee finally came to a decision about her favorite (sparkly red lipstick, blush high on her cheeks, and shimmery purple eyeshadow) Nan had her go get her favorite dress with the instruction that it had to be a zip-up or button-up one she could step into.

I made dinner that night while Nan and Annalee played out an epic story of adventure and triumph all across the living room. The couch became a mountain that Annalee climbed to reach a mystical hidden city, and our round window out to the sea became the portal that would take her home again with the refugees she rescued from a cruel overlord.

Nan pretended to be behind the camera the entire time, calling out instructions and feeding her old-Hollywood lines like "You're beautiful, dahling! The camera loves you!" Annalee ate it all up with a spoon, and when we all sat down to eat, her lipstick was smudged but her face was shining and it was like she'd never overheard those teachers at all.

We ate our chicken and broccoli alfredo with Annalee recounting the entire story to me, but I'd been listening while they acted it out in the first place...and I was captivated by the way Nan looked at me across the table with a secret smile. We were both proud of what she'd done, and it warmed me inside to see how much she recognized that. This was the first time I'd seen such a look of fulfillment in her eyes.

It only made her beauty shine brighter.

**Chapter Seven **

_**Nan**_

I was getting used to staying at the lighthouse with Cass and her daughter, and I even managed to ride across the causeway to the mainland without needing Annalee to hold my hand. I still shuddered whenever I thought too hard about the ocean, though. It was just so vast and deep that it seemed like a world-sized monster waiting to swallow me.

Annalee was at school and I followed Cass aimlessly around the house, feeling like a total freeloader. She assured me over and over that I could wash dishes and things like that if I wanted, but the upkeep of the light and the island were specialized jobs and I didn't have to feel bad for not doing them. Still, I was doing so little, and it was starting to feel like my brain itched.

"Are you restless by nature?" Cass asked me when I said as much. "Not everybody's content to do the same job they were brought up with for their entire life like I am. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm the odd one here."

"Mm, I used to be pretty restless," I said thoughtfully. We were up at the very top in the glass-windowed room where the light itself was housed and Cass sat on the ground, applying oil to some mechanical part. I leaned with my back against one of the window frames so I didn't smudge anything.

_I used to be a lot of things,_ I thought, and a chilly trickle of discomfort went down into my stomach. Getting nearly drowned and suddenly finding myself in a situation I'd never even imagined had pushed my former problems and worries to the back of my mind. I wasn't sorry to see them go, and now I was compelled to just let the conversation drop in the hopes of keeping them away.

"Not anymore?" Cass looked at me over her shoulder and I had the impulse to wipe away the little smudge of grease on her forehead that she'd gotten there somehow or other.

When she looked at me like that, with quiet curiosity, I wanted to tell her things. I didn't feel the same blast of fear and shame that she might recoil, might judge me, the way I did when I thought about how other people might react. I was scared, of course, but it was because I wanted this woman to think highly of me. To trust me. I never wanted to let her down.

_Fat chance, a vicious voice in my head told me. Why should she be different from everyone else? _

Cruel but true. I never expected to find myself in a situation like this, but now that I was here, there was no way I'd ruin it.

She was waiting for an answer, so I tilted my head to the side as if I'd been considering. "I'm getting older," I said. "I can't keep up with the kind of things I did in my wild twenties." I laughed to downplay it, but I was playing with fire just saying something like that. "I really did come to Cape Summer to check it out and see if I'd like to stay here. For how long, who knows?" Escaping had been my primary motivation, and the Maine coast stuck out in my mind as isolated and a little magical. It felt like the perfect place for me right now.

Cass's eyebrows drew together just slightly when she heard my last sentence, but she shook it off.

"People can't get enough of this place," she said. "I'm surprised you still think that. After all, you didn't exactly get to have the ideal tourist experience." She shot me a half smile and I chuckled humorlessly.

"You can say that again. But not to worry, I won't put 'very nearly died in a storm' on my TripAdvisor review of the place."

"Glad to hear it." Cass stood up, wiping her hands with a cloth. "I know it was pretty traumatizing, but it's too bad that the ocean's given you such a bad impression of herself. There's nothing that contains the heart of Cape Summer so much as the sea here."

I made a skeptical sound and looked out the windows. I'd never been afraid of heights, so that wasn't a problem, but the sea was pretty much on all sides of us. The little road that ran from here to the mainland looked no wider than a ruler, and I could see all the way across the cape to the harbor and downtown. Every bit of it was hemmed in by dark blue water that crowded up against the land.

"It's kind of ironic that I'm staying in a lighthouse," I muttered. "There can't be many that _haven't_ got the ocean right there in your face. But..." I looked over at Cass, who was watching me with her weight on one hip. She was effortlessly sexy like that; she just stood certain ways or moved certain ways that made me feel hot all over. "Lighthouses mean safety and protection against the sea, right? That's probably why I feel okay here."

Cass smiled gently and the way it softened her face made my mouth go dry. "I'm happy you feel that way," she said. "I'd love to help you get past your discomfort, though. There's just so much more to enjoy here. How do you feel about beaches? Nice, clean, shallow ones?"

I folded my arms over my stomach. The thought of them made wings of anxiety flutter inside me, but it wasn't as strong as thinking about deep water. "Not fantastic," I said, "but a bit more okay, I guess."

"What do you think about going wading?" Her face took on the faintest tinge of pink and even though I could tell she was trying to be casual about it, it was easy to see that she was shy asking. With a little leap in my heart, I wondered if the whole conversation had been leading up to this.

"Just wading?" I asked, and she nodded.

"If that's what you want, sure. It might help to ease back to being on good terms with the ocean again."

Going to the beach with Cass on a beautiful, mid-September day? Who would turn that down? Not me, not with the way I felt like every cell in my body brightened when she looked at me.

I always loved the beach. Strolling the vast, crowded sands of California, I was in my element. I used to love it when people stopped me for an autograph back when I was just getting my start, before things got too big and too messy.

But here, the very thought of that sent chills down my spine. "How crowded are the beaches here?" I asked.

"The town beach gets a lot of visitors," Cass replied. "But I know a smaller one that might be pretty quiet right now."

"That sounds more my speed," I told her with a hesitant smile, and she nodded.

"Let's go there, then. If you're up for it. It's not far away and we have four hours before I have to pick up Annalee from school."

The way one corner of her mouth curled up when she said that made me melt a little. Was she being shy or a teeny bit suggestive? Actually, it didn't matter. Either one was charming in the extreme.

"I'm up for it," I said. "Just let me change into some shorts."

A half-hour and one mostly freakout-free ride across the causeway later, we drove through downtown Cape Summer and up the hill that hugged the southern edge of the town. At the top, we parked and Cass led me down a dirt road that really looked to me like somebody's driveway.

"Is this private land?" I asked.

"This right here is," Cass explained. "But old Mrs. Toby doesn't care if anyone walks down it to get to the beach. The beach is technically on private land, too, but the owners are fine with locals using it."

I shot her a sidelong look. "So with you here, I count as a local by proxy?"

Cass chuckled. "That's about right, yeah." For some reason, that made me feel proud.

We took off our shoes once we got down to the beach. The sand here was pale gray, dry, and wonderfully soft when our feet sunk into it. Past this was an expanse of packed, darker gray sand that got wetter until our feet made prints that filled with water as we left them behind us. Near the ocean's edge, the sand was molded into ridges by the waves, showing that the tide was out.

I wrinkled my nose at the floating rafts of seaweed I noticed around some rocks several meters out into the water.

"Ugh, I'll never be able to think of the feeling of seaweed on me again without wanting to puke."

Cass gave me a sympathetic grimace. "That's not too unusual. Lots of people hate that. We'll steer clear of the seaweed, okay?"

"Yeah, good." I dawdled for a few seconds near the edge of the waves, which slid across the sand in shallow sheets. Cass was already in up to her ankles, and the urge to appear brave and strong in front of her suddenly overwhelmed my fear. I stepped into the inch-deep bubby water as it washed up the beach and the chill of it nipped at my toes.

It felt painfully cold for a moment and I shivered, but my feet got used to it quickly and I realized that it was much warmer than the sea had felt during the storm. You know, when I'd been flailing for my life and nearly paralyzed with the cold and the terror.

"Wow, it's pretty warm for the Atlantic, isn't it?" I commented.

Cass smiled. "Yeah, it's because the tide was out and is just now coming in. The shallow water gets warmer when it covers sand that's been baking in the sun."

"Huh," I said thoughtfully. In southern California, the water was always warm, so I never thought about why.

"How does it feel?" Cass asked me. "Standing in it, I mean."

"Okay," I replied. I lifted one foot out and wet sand clung to it, so I shook it off and set my foot down again. "Not gross or terrifying at all. Feels like summer," I added with a grin, and Cass looked pleased to hear that.

"That's a big part of what it means to me, too," she said. "I'm surrounded by the sea every day of the year. I fished commercially while my parents were still alive, so I was on the sea most every day back then. As much as I love her, fishing and keeping a lighthouse taught me how dangerous she can be. In the summer when it's nicer to swim, it feels like I can connect more instead of fight."

"Connect? How do you mean?" I asked. We started to walk along the edge of the water, Cass swishing through with the waves at her shins and me feeling completely comfortable now to go in up to my ankles.

She looked over at me with a bashful little shrug as if she suddenly thought that sounded silly. "You were on the wrong end of her strength," she said. I kind of loved how Cass referred to the ocean as "she," even though it weirded me out the first time she said it. "But you still felt it. In the summer, walking like this or swimming, I can focus on how nice it is to feel that power safely. How exhilarating."

Her face took on a sort of glow, and it captivated me. The gray of her eyes seemed brighter and her easy smile held nothing back.

"The ocean really is like a living thing," she went on. "But it's so much bigger than us, and I don't just mean physically. I mean..." She gestured in the air.

"Spiritually?" I asked softly. Cass ducked her head, but she still had that same unguarded look.

"Yeah, you could call it that."

I was seeing a whole new side of her, and man, did I ever like it. If this was what the ocean brought out in her, I wanted to lose my fear of it as soon as possible.

"Maybe I should step it up a little, then," I said and sloshed toward her. She was almost up to her knees now, which meant standing beside her would probably be over _my _knees, but I was getting more and more comfortable by the minute. "It's a lot less deathly frightening when I can see the bottom."

"Annalee used to think that too," Cass said. "She's gotten completely used to boating now, but the fact that we didn't know what was below us really scared her when she was littler."

"Oh, I get that," I said. "My mind was too focused on keeping my head above the water and swimming in the direction that would least likely end in my death, but I absolutely would've been worried about sharks otherwise."

"We get dogfish around here, but they're fairly small, only eat little fish, and they would've been swimming deep to avoid the storm anyway," Cass assured me. "It's very rare that we see any bigger sharks coming in this close to land."

"You're the expert, so I'll take your word for—" I broke off with a startled yelp when the retreating surf pulled on my legs as it swelled for another wave. Cass instantly grabbed my arm.

I clutched at her shoulder, alarm shooting up my spine and making my heart leap against my ribs. When the wave rolled past, I was steady again, but I was shaking all over with the surprise of being tugged toward the deeper water. It was only a tiny fraction as strong as the currents that pulled me under when I capsized, but it caught me off guard and activated that same fear. My own body's reaction surprised me almost as much, and scared me even more.

Maybe a little walk through the shallows wasn't going to cure me of this after all.

Slowly I realized I was clinging to Cass's side and she didn't seem to have any intention of letting me go. She'd released my elbow so she could encircle my waist with one arm. The waves gently swayed us and soaked the hem of my shorts.

My heart was still thudding, but it wasn't just because of the water anymore. Cass's arm was warm and firm and it felt like she could hold me up like this even if I went completely limp. She looked startled—obviously she had fantastic reflexes—but as she gazed down at me, her wide eyes softened and a faint blush spread across her cheekbones.

In spite of that, she seemed entranced rather than embarrassed, as if it hadn't hit her yet that she should be embarrassed at all. Her eyes roved over my face, taking me in like she was memorizing every detail.

The sound of the ocean faded out and all I could feel was her body and the warm sun on my skin. For a moment, I forgot where I was. Cass's lips were a darker shade even without makeup, and my eyes were drawn to them. As I watched, they opened just a fraction and that was somehow the most erotic gesture I'd seen in years.

My breath hitched in my chest. Ten minutes ago, I'd have said I'd wouldn't even consider kissing Cass until we'd known each other a lot longer. But right now, she was so close, and she looked at me half like she'd never seen anything so amazing and half like she wanted to scoop me up bridal-style and ravish me.

That combination hit all of my buttons in ways that shook me. I tightened my fingers in her shoulder and at the same time, her arm held me even closer.

Then another wave whooshed past us, high enough this time to soak all the way up to my underwear. I gasped at the sudden shock of cold there and Cass stepped back, steadying both of us with her hands on my shoulders. I still felt safe, but now our bodies were a good foot or more apart, and the letdown crashed on me hard.

I felt the pull of the water drag at my legs as another wave neared us. I whimpered involuntarily; first whatever _that_ had been slipped away, and now alarms were going off in my head telling me that I was being pulled out to sea. My chest tightened as my breath came more quickly

Then she slowly turned me. I took a few steps, trying to lean away from the tug of the surf, but suddenly it wasn't nearly as hard to keep my feet.

Cass was standing in front of me, taking the brunt of the waves.

They'd gotten bigger and were now slapping into her back. To anyone else, that wouldn't have really meant anything...but to me, she'd seen my discomfort and had immediately put herself in its way rather than let me go on feeling it.

I looked up into her face and she winced with a surprised burst of laughter at the water crashing against her.

"This wasn't part of my plan!" she said, and she kept her hands firmly on my upper arms so that I didn't wobble even a bit. I found myself laughing too.

"I should have known that the lighthouse would be all the protection from the sea I needed." I carefully made my way toward shore, keeping her between me and the waves, and she followed. Soon we were safe in the shallows again. I met her eyes gratefully. "You're like the lighthouse personified."

Cass flushed with pleasure and ran her hand through her hair, but since her hands were wet, it made her hair stick up. I bit my lip to keep from giggling.

"When other people say that," she told me, "it's usually an insult."

I had the wild impulse to take her face in my hands and kiss her as we waded back to dry land. She'd never go for it, though, would she?

"Well," I said, "it's not an insult right now."

**Chapter Eight **

_**Cass**_

I had a P.O. box in town since there's no way the mail truck would come all the way out to our island, and Nan got a letter with her credit card inside about two weeks after ordering it. I brought it back to the lighthouse where she was making another batch of blueberry pancakes with Annalee for breakfast.

When I came inside, Nan had on one of my aprons and was singing into the spatula along with a Lady Gaga song turned way up on our radio. Annalee sat on a stool by the counter, singing at the top of her lungs too, and I couldn't stop a huge grin from appearing on my face.

"I didn't expect to come home to an impromptu concert," I commented, shutting the door behind me.

"_I was born to be brave!_" Annalee shrieked and Nan went weak-kneed with laughter.

"She's got a career on the stage, I tell you," Nan said, reaching across the counter to turn the radio down. Annalee whined when the music quieted but she perked up again immediately at Nan's praise.

"The school play's going to be _Alice in Wonderland_ this fall!" Annalee told her. "I'm the Cheshire Cat!"

"You've got the perfect mischievous smile for it, don't you?" Nan laughed.

"Your credit card came in the mail," I said to her, handing over the envelope. She took it with a relieved sigh.

"Finally. I feel like such a moocher for depending on you for this long. Now I can finally pay you back. I've been keeping track."

I shook my head and shrugged one shoulder, feeling a wave of discomfort. "Oh, no, don't worry about that. How about you get the groceries next time, and we'll call it even?"

Nan's brow furrowed. "Don't be silly. You bought me shoes and everything..."

"Anybody would've done the same," I replied. I rubbed the back of my neck and couldn't meet her eyes. All this attention and praise was something I'd never been used to.

"Well, no," Nan contradicted me with a little chuckle, "but you're sweet—if naive—to say so."

No one had ever called me naive in my life, and coming from anybody else, it would've raised my hackles big-time. But there was something about the warmth in Nan's gray-green eyes that took my breath away. She could probably call me a degenerate asshole and I'd take it as a compliment.

"I'm not naive," I said with a half smile, jokingly reproachful.

"What's naive mean?" Annalee asked. She accepted a plate of pancakes from Nan.

"It means that sometimes you overlook things because you always see the best in people, even when they're actually not nice," Nan replied.

"Mama tries to do that all the time," Annalee agreed, nodding. She shoved her fork into a pancake without cutting it up and took a bite of it. "She always says, 'They mean well.' Even when I know they don't."

"You're too old for your age," I muttered, kissing my daughter on the head. Nan handed me a plate of pancakes too and I spread some butter on them. "Did you order a cell phone too?" I asked her. "Some sturgeon is probably playing Candy Crush on your old one by now."

"Mama, _nobody_ plays Candy Crush anymore!" Annalee groaned, lamenting how out-of-date I was.

Nan focused on pouring a dollop of maple syrup on the center of each of her pancakes and stacking them again. "No, I haven't gotten around to that," she replied, sighing. I couldn't quite tell what that sigh meant: was she tired out by all of the things she had to do to get her life back together after losing all those belongings, or was she sick of me asking?

"We could head over to Portland if you want to go to a store rather than ordering one," I said anyway.

"No! No, no, it's fine." Nan laughed and waved her hand dismissively. I wondered how on earth she could be so blasé about something we had all come to be so dependent on. I supposed it was admirable in a way.

"Do you feel better about the ocean now?" Annalee asked Nan around another pancake she'd stuffed in her mouth. "You waded with Mama the other day at the beach, right?"

"Chew and swallow before you talk, please," I reminded her, and she dutifully did so.

"I think I do," Nan replied. Her eyes moved over to mine and our gazes locked for a moment. The smile that curved her lips was like a secret shared with me. My heart gave an unfamiliar little flip.

Or, rather, it was the kind of skipping heartbeat that I hadn't felt in a long time. A conflicted mess of feelings billowed in my chest.

Something happened between the two of us at the beach. I felt it like the first gasp of air you take after swimming too many strokes underwater. Nan fit in my arms the way a key fits in a lock. Her face then, her eyes shining at first with alarm and then melting into surprised relief... There was no one else in the world but me and her in that moment. She filled every part of me and I existed to keep her safe.

And wasn't that why I existed at all? To keep people safe?

Nan's gentle, coral-pink lips were small and plump in comparison with Holly's. Her face and body were very different. And yet, somehow, these feelings suddenly felt so familiar that it hurt like a hole opening up inside me.

I dropped my gaze and cut a piece of pancake out of the stack with my fork. That hurt too, though, breaking that contact.

"Oh good!" Annalee said cheerfully to Nan. "I want to go on the boat today! Will you come?"

We had a small motorboat, and on nice days I would often take Annalee out into the harbor to look for seals. Nan's eyes widened with sudden doubt, though.

"Oh, I don't know if I'm _that_ comfortable," she said. Her shoulders stiffened and I had to fight the urge to put my hand soothingly on her back.

"Please?" Annalee slid down from the stool and went over to where Nan was sitting and took her hands. "Please-please? It'll be so much fun! It's not choppy out at all! We can go out in the boat and dock in the harbor and have lunch in town! Right, Mama?" She looked over at me hopefully.

"If Nan's okay with it," I replied. I _did_ want to show Nan what a nice place Cape Summer was, after all. It offered far more than this lonely lighthouse and the blueberry fields, but Nan seemed so reticent to go downtown even when it was necessary.

She chewed on the inside of her lip and looked back and forth between me and Annalee, who was bouncing on her toes, apparently thinking that would encourage her. When Nan met my eyes, I could see her need for comfort, for reassurance. It stirred my heart and a bright burst of protectiveness flamed inside me.

"I promise I'll keep you safe," I said, almost without thinking, and Nan's eyes lit up with gratitude. There was something else there, too, something like what I'd seen in her eyes when we were at the beach and I kept her from losing her footing in the water.

She looked mesmerized, like she couldn't pull herself away. And I didn't want her to.

"Pleeease?" Annalee asked again, and Nan's attention turned back to her. I let out the softest of sighs, feeling like the sun had gone behind a cloud.

"Okay," Nan relented with a smile. Annalee squealed.

An hour later we were in the boat, motoring toward a set of small islets where seals often crawled out of the water to bask in the sun. Nan sat as close to the middle of the boat as possible and Annalee nestled beside her, holding her hand encouragingly and pointing out every possible landmark, bird, and piece of seaweed she saw.

We boated around the harbor for a while and got a few close-up glimpses of seals. It was the perfect day: breezy but warm with cottony white clouds and no chance of rain. Nan had pulled her hair back in a French braid (how on earth she braided her own hair like that I'll never know) and every so often I'd look over at her from the steering wheel.

Normally, I would've scoffed at any woman who wore white while being out and about in a place as dirt-prone as the island, my boat, the beach, or the harbor docks. But somehow Nan pulled it off like a movie star. One of the dresses she'd brought with her was knee-length, white, and billowy with spaghetti straps and a wide diagonal stripe of blue that ran from one shoulder to the opposite hip. She gazed out at the water around us with a tremulous smile that was growing more confident bit by bit.

The way the light caught her deep golden hair and the wind colored her cheeks, she was so beautiful it made my throat squeeze tight.

Heat began to prickle up the back of my neck. What the hell was I thinking? I knew practically nothing about this woman, and her charisma and devastating loveliness had already caught me like a fish in a net.

I knew that sometimes my protective instincts could get the best of me. Maybe that was partly to blame for why Annalee's teachers thought she needed to get away from the lighthouse more. And maybe that was why I felt so compelled by Nan. She needed help and I could provide it.

The fact that just looking at her made pulsing heat spread through my middle and lower had nothing to do with it. And if I was buying that, I had a bridge to sell myself after.

Besides that, Annalee adored her and Nan had such a wonderful way with her. These past years, with just me and Annalee, I worried constantly that there was so much I couldn't give her. Nan filled that hole, and even though I acknowledged (with chagrin) that I'd usually be defensive about that, I just wasn't. Not with Nan.

I focused on the docks; we were nearing them now and I scanned the area for a place to tie up. We were going to have fun today, for Annalee's sake and for Nan's. I didn't need to be thinking about this.

In downtown Cape Summer, there was a nice little coffee shop that sold sandwiches as well. The bell jingled as we went inside and a few of the people seated at tables waved to me. Our favorite barista, Kris, was at the counter and Annalee bounded up.

Kris grinned at her. "What'll it be today, Queen Anne?" they asked, using the nickname a lot of the adults in town had given her because of the way she usually told everyone we came across about whatever fantasy she was pretending at the time. Kris had short, deep blue hair with a bright purple undercut and Annalee thought they were just about the coolest person to ever exist.

"What do you want?" Annalee asked Nan. "They have killer iced chocolate frappes!" I chuckled at the slang she'd picked up.

"We'll have two of the killer iced chocolate frappes," Nan told Kris with a smile. "And a turkey club with bacon for me and a grilled cheese for Queen Anne." Then she looked over her shoulder at me. "What would you like? My treat, as thanks for all the times you covered me."

I started to object, but she was raising her eyebrows at me in a matter-of-fact way that said she would take no refusal. I smiled.

"I'll have an iced caramel cappuccino. Thank you."

"You're ordering lunch, too," Nan pointed out firmly.

"Okay, okay," I laughed. "I'll have the garden vegetable and cheddar sandwich with mustard."

Kris nodded and typed our order in. "Name?" they asked Nan.

All of a sudden, Nan's bright expression faded. She looked at a loss, like for some reason she hadn't been expecting that, and for a second she seemed to be grasping for words.

Then, she said, "Annalee," with a fond smile and looked down at my daughter. Annalee bounced on her toes, pleased.

"Right, of course," Kris replied, clearly unphased. "Your drinks will come out right down the counter over there and I'll call you when the sandwiches are done."

Annalee dragged Nan over to wait, and I found a table near the window. I didn't sit down, though. I felt unsettled; it was the same feeling I got when I was out on the water and could see rain on the horizon, even though I knew logically that I had plenty of time to get to shore.

The obvious explanation for Nan's strange reaction was that she stopped before telling Kris her name because she suddenly had the idea to make Annalee feel special by using hers. But that look on her face... It hadn't made me imagine a lightbulb popping over her head. Instead, it made me think of a deer in the headlights.

Did she not want anyone to know her name?

My stomach curled with guilt. What a thing to think! Sure, she'd been cagey about her life before now, but so had I. It was a bit weird that she didn't want a cell phone, but who could blame her for needing some time unplugged?

I realized something then that made my unsettled feeling turn into a heavy stone inside me.

I didn't even know her last name.

When her credit card came, she had it mailed to the lighthouse, care of Cassandra Finnegan. The day we found her, she assured me that she wasn't in danger or hiding from someone. Now I had a hard time believing that.

Nan and Annalee came over with our drinks and sandwiches, and I tried to act like I wasn't feeling a skirmish of conflict inside me. If they noticed, neither of them showed it; Annalee was deep in describing a story she was writing about mermaids (clearly inspired by Nan's arrival on our shore).

After lunch, we perused the shops that lined the main street. Other than the scenery and the boating, these shops were Cape Summer's main tourist attractions and they were filled with everything from toys and clothes to expensive paintings and cheap souvenirs.

In the very first shop, Nan bought sunglasses and a hat—a big floppy one with a brim so wide that when she stood with her head bent to peruse racks of clothes or shelves of figurines, I couldn't see her face.

_For god's sake, Cass, I groaned internally. She just doesn't want to get a sunburn. Stop acting like your life is an episode of CSI: Cape Summer. _

But now everything was filtered through my skeptical nature, and I kept an eye on her all afternoon. She treated Annalee just as well as she always did, but there were no more of those glances that passed between us, the ones that made the air sizzle.

When she wasn't talking to Annalee, there was a tension in her shoulders and in the way she held her arms close to her body. She looked around us frequently, and not with the interested gaze of a tourist. It was almost as if she as searching, or keeping watch.

The strangest thing happened when we left town. I helped her into the boat—a little spark and shiver went up my arm when our hands touched—and as we pulled away from the dock, I heard her sigh.

It was a long sigh of relief. Her shoulders rounded and she leaned against the back of her seat, taking in the scenery. The wind had picked up just a bit and the waves were a little choppier now, but Nan looked a hundred times more relaxed.

Here, out on the open water, floating on the ocean she was so frightened of...she seemed less scared than she had been in town.

It was early evening by the time we got home. There were feathers of nervousness in my stomach all through dinner and getting Annalee ready for bed. I had to ask Nan about this; even if she didn't want to talk about it, I _had_ to know if she was running from somebody who wanted to hurt her. An abusive ex, a dangerous family... It could be anything. I was willing to make her angry as long as I could find out a way to keep her safe.

After Annalee was asleep, I made some tea and asked if Nan wanted a cup before she went back to the cottage to sleep. She agreed and settled down on the couch. I brought her the tea when it was done and sat down at the other end, unable to keep my movements from being stiff.

She looked over at me curiously; it seemed that she could read me easily even in this brief a time. "Something on your mind?" she asked.

I cleared my throat. "Nan," I said, "I couldn't help but notice, today..." I laced my fingers together and slouched back into the cushions, hoping I came off as concerned and not accusing. "You seemed kind of uncomfortable. Are you sure you feel safe here?" She opened her mouth with a protesting frown and I quickly added, "I know you've already told me how safe you feel at the lighthouse. I mean in town, or...anywhere with other people. You told me when we met that you aren't in danger, and I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, but..." I swallowed and met her eyes, pressing my lips together. "I can see why you might not have said something, if you were afraid. You didn't even know me then."

Nan's face flushed, and it was the reddish shade of embarrassment rather than the pinker hue I saw when I held her the other day in the waves. But she shook her head with a light laugh.

"Of course I'm not in danger," she said. From her tone of voice, I might as well have asked if she were planning on running for prime minister of Canada. "I just..." Nan's gaze dropped and she licked her lips. The intense shiver of arousal that gesture woke in me was startling, and I gripped my fingers tighter to pull myself back. "I just like it here," she said. "I needed some peace and quiet."

I breathed out slowly. I was going to have to push harder if I wanted to know the truth, but I wasn't sure how far I was willing to go. "You've been here for over two weeks, Nan. I understand the need for solitude, believe me, but what happened to you was so sudden. Isn't there anyone at all who might be worried that they haven't heard from you?"

"I told you, no!" Nan's ears were red now too, and she pulled her hair over her shoulder and ran her fingers through it, agitated. She looked away from me and out our big, round window where the stars were now burning over the sea. "When I came here, I already told everyone who needs to know that I'd be...out of touch for a little while."

"Okay..." I couldn't keep an hint of skepticism from creeping into my voice, and Nan's spine straightened. She wouldn't look at me, but her eyes narrowed and it was like I could actually see walls going up.

"Look, I know putting up with me for this long is a lot to ask for. I'll pay you rent for the cottage, I keep telling you, but you insist on feeding me, and it's got to be getting old. If you want, I'll go get a hotel room someplace."

"That's not what I meant," I told her swiftly. The shock of imagining what it might be like for her to leave was frighteningly strong, enough to make my heartbeat jump. "I didn't mean it like that at all. I just wanted to be certain that you feel safe, because it seems like..." I trailed off, unwilling to continue.

It seemed like she was hiding from something.

"I feel perfectly safe," Nan told me firmly, frustration hardening her voice. For a moment I was reminded of a teenager trying to get her overbearing parents off her back. I sighed.

"Okay," I said again, this time with tired acceptance. Nan stood up with her tea mug in hand.

"I'm going to go back to the cottage now. See you tomorrow." Without offering me any glances, she left through the door to the mudroom.

I sighed louder this time, half moaning. I knew that would be a tough conversation, but still... Now Nan was mad at me, and Annalee would surely notice the tension, and she'd want an explanation and would probably come up with some scheme to smooth things over.

And had I even gotten anywhere? Nan said she was fine. She wasn't running from anyone.

The memory of her words the first day pierced me like a nail in a tire. Nan had said she was _running away from herself._

I felt heavy all of a sudden, and I sunk down farther onto the couch until I was lying on my back with my feet propped against the opposite arm. The heaviness in my stomach turned to a lump of ice. I didn't want Nan to be in danger, of course I didn't, but then at least I'd know what to do to protect her.

What I _didn't_ know was how to deal with people who did this sort of thing. People who made selfish decisions because they didn't want to face their problems.

What about herself was Nan running from? And how could I really know that there wasn't somebody out there who loved her, who was worried out of their mind about her, and she was just hiding out here to avoid it?

I couldn't let someone else like that into my life. Not again.

I covered my face with my palms. Nan had been so wrong when she said I was naive. I was the least trusting person imaginable. It was just that somehow, when it came to her...

Everything I thought I knew about myself went flying out the window.

**Chapter Nine **

_**Nan**_

I shut the cottage door behind me and leaned against it for a minute. Cass just had to go and bring that up again, didn't she? And then of course I panicked and acted like the definition of "shifty."

But no, I'd been acting like that all day. I couldn't keep myself from going into incognito mode the moment I was confronted with anybody knowing my name.

In all this time, Cass hadn't given any indication that she recognized me. They did have a television, but as far as I could tell Cass didn't watch it. They just used it for the kids' movies Annalee liked watching. They never watched the news or any other movies or shows. When it came to pop culture, I bet Cass would've lived under a rock if she could have—instead she lived on top of one surrounded by the ocean, which I supposed was the closest she could get.

So there was a good chance she and Annalee never saw anything I'd been in. But people in town? There was no way they were as isolated, especially not with the amount of tourists around. I wasn't Meryl Streep-famous but someone was bound to notice me sooner or later.

What the hell was I doing here? I'd planned to come up to Cape Summer, relax a bit, take in the small seaside town atmosphere, and get my head together. Then I'd find somewhere to settle down—here, maybe, or anywhere else far away from Hollywood—and start my life over.

That was way, way more rational than the way I was feeling right now. Had I been lying to myself that I could just let go of the past and never be fucked up again?

_Shit like this doesn't come with a clean break, Nancie, I told myself bitterly. _

I should just go. Cass didn't deserve to be dragged into my issue-laden existence. I was being defensive and impulsive when I told her I could leave and go find a hotel, but maybe that was best for both of us.

As I stood there against the door, I pressed both of my hands over my heart. It hurt me, physically _hurt_ to imagine leaving. Because I knew, if I did—if I left like this, in an immature, self-pitying snit—we'd never see each other again. I'd hide out at some hotel, never going into town, and Cass would stay out here at her lighthouse.

I should apologize. That's all there was to it. Maybe what I needed was to make up some story about why I was here, why I didn't want a cellphone and couldn't stomach the possibility of making waves in town. I could tell her partial truths: that I _was_ an actress, and I just wanted to hide from the paparazzi.

The wheels in my mind started spinning as I followed this avenue of thought. I went to the bedroom and undressed for bed. If I told Cass this, she might be tempted to look me up online, so I'd have to give her a false name...but then if she _did_ look me up, she'd find nothing, and that would be even more suspicious. The thought of telling her an outright lie didn't sit well with me either; I felt uncomfortable enough about what I was doing, omitting things so I could stay.

There was no way I could tell her my real name and risk what she'd think of me if she knew. I'd seen enough of how people judged me once they learned the truth. Was it really so selfish and bad to want to keep this tiny slice of happiness I'd found myself in?

I got into bed and lay on my stomach, pressing the other pillow down over my head in frustration. _Okay,_ she'd said. Cass would drop it for a while because she was chivalrous like that. And maybe by then, I'd figure out what the hell I was going to do.

The next morning, a Sunday, was rainy and darkly overcast. Annalee came knocking at my door like she usually did to invite me over for breakfast. That reminded me of yet another reason that flouncing off to a hotel would be a terrible idea: I couldn't hurt Annalee like that.

"Will you braid my hair?" she asked, pulling on my hand as we went through the door into the lighthouse.

"Sure," I replied warmly, and she went and pulled a stool over and climbed up on it.

Cass stood at the stove frying some eggs, and she gave me a somewhat stiff smile. I returned it with a bit more brightness and hoped it conveyed the apology I wanted it to. There was nothing much I could say with Annalee right there.

Annalee handed me a brush and hair tie. "Can you do a French braid, please?" I nodded and started to brush out her silky black hair. It was so thick that braiding it was easy.

The tension in the air between Cass and I didn't lessen even when she handed me a plate of eggs. I guess that smile wasn't going to cut it.

We all sat down at the table together to eat. I waited for a break in Annalee's description of a dream she'd had and then said to Cass, "Thank you for the tea last night." My voice was soft and earnest, and when she looked up at me from her plate, her mouth opened a bit in surprise.

"Yeah, of course," she replied after a beat. Her lips curved up in a smile that showed me how unexpected that had been, and I was both gratified and disappointed in myself. What must she think of me if she was so shocked that I'd try to acknowledge I'd been wrong?

We cleaned up after breakfast while Annalee pressed her hands against the big round window and peered out.

"Can I go down to the beach?" she asked Cass.

"No, love, the tide's too high right now."

"Awww," Annalee moaned in a "this ruins my day" way that only a kid could.

"Hey, don't worry," I told her. "We can play actress again if you want."

"Yeah, I guess," she replied, still disappointed.

She crossed the room to the kitchen, where there was another window (a regular square one) between the refrigerator and the hallway to outside. She stood there for a few moments, tapping her fingers restlessly against the glass, and then she jumped to attention. She pressed her nose to the window and a huge smile lit up her face.

"Mommy!"

I glanced over at Cass, expecting her to come over to see whatever Annalee wanted to show her. It was only when I saw the color leave her cheeks and her jaw clench tight that I realized I'd only ever heard Annalee call her "Mama."

Cass turned away the moment she caught me looking at her, and she shook her head as if to clear it, to ready herself for something. Unable to rein in my curiosity, I went to the window and stood behind Annalee. There was a gold minivan driving up the causeway from the mainland to the lighthouse. As we watched, the van parked next to Cass's truck and a woman got out.

She was small and willowy with curly, light brown hair pulled back and clipped behind her head. Her trendy clothes and chunky jewelry were the opposite of Cass's practical, no-frills style. She looked up and spotted Annalee in the window and waved, and the little girl dashed for the door and went out across the lawn to give her a huge hug.

_Mommy,_ Annalee had said. This woman... Could she be Annalee's other mom?

Cass hadn't once mentioned her. In fact, I couldn't remember anything other than Cass saying "we adopted Annalee" to indicate that Annalee ever even _had_ another parent. All this time, I assumed Cass was raising her completely alone.

Behind me, Cass began to finish up clearing our breakfast even faster. She washed up the last of the dishes in a hurried, flustered way that I'd never seen before. I came over to her side, hesitant.

"Can I help with that?" I asked. On one hand, it felt weird to ignore what was happening, but on the other, I didn't want to be nosy.

Cass grimaced. "I'm almost done." She shot a glance my way and her lips flattened. "This is...unexpected. I'm sorry, if I had known..."

My eyebrows drew together. "You don't have to apologize. Why should you plan who visits around me? This is your home." I offered a little smile, but she didn't look at all comforted.

I'd seen Cass uncomfortable before, but it was always in a sweet sort of way, like when she apologized for taking my wet clothes off after she'd rescued me from the freezing brink of death. Right now, though, she looked like she wanted to run to the top of the lighthouse and hide. It made my insides knot up with worry.

Annalee had left the door open when she ran out, and now the sound of her voice came closer as she talked. Cass straightened the shirt she was wearing (a dark purple Henley with three-quarter sleeves) and smoothed the thighs of her capri pants. Then she put her hands in her pockets, maybe to keep herself from fidgeting.

"Holly is my ex-wife," Cass murmured to me.

I nodded with a small "Oh," and tried to sound as kind-but-neutral as possible. Then Annalee burst in, hauling the woman behind her, talking a mile a minute.

"And what really happened was her boat turned over in the storm and she washed up on the beach almost drowneded, and Mama and I had to nurse her back to health!"

Holly looked over at us, and her eyes rested for a moment on Cass before turning to me.

She was intensely beautiful. Her large, blue eyes reminded me of a classical angel in a painting, and the loose curls of hair that framed her face softened the elegant effect of her features. When she focused on me, my skin grew hot and prickles of self-consciousness rose up my spine.

For some reason, I felt like an animal behind bars, like Holly was watching me with absolute knowledge that I couldn't touch her. Her eyes fixed me like she could see down to my bones.

"So this is your mermaid, baby?" Holly asked Annalee, who nodded enthusiastically.

"Her name is Nan. She's really fun!"

Holly smiled at me, but there was no mirth in her eyes, and I had a hard time mustering up a smile in return (which was really saying something, given my profession). Then she turned her gaze on Cass, who noticeably stiffened.

"Sorry I can't stay to play today," Holly said to Annalee without taking her eyes off Cass. "But I have to talk to Mama about something really important." At that point she looked down at Annalee and gave her hand a little shake and squeeze. "I have an idea I think you'll really like!"

Annalee's excitement dimmed just a little. "Okay," she said, but the cheerfulness sounded a bit false now.

"I'll just head out and give you some space," I said quickly, but Holly let go of Annalee's hand and walked across the kitchen with a blithe wave.

"Oh, don't mind me, this won't take long!" She stopped in front of Cass and curled her fingers beneath her chin, resting her elbow in her other hand. She had the same look she'd given me, like her eyes were a baggage scanner at an airport and she was looking for some excuse to detain a passenger. "Cassandra, I demand more custody of our daughter."

The atmosphere abruptly shifted from vaguely uncomfortable to as tense as a bomb squad. I wanted to back away and leave, but part of me didn't want to abandon Cass and the other part was undeniably curious about what on earth was going on between them.

Cass flicked a look at Annalee, who was now staring at the floor.

"I think the current arrangements are right for all of us," Cass replied in a calm but somewhat stony voice.

"_You_ think that," Holly said, "but are they really? How can you say that it's right for a child to see one of her parents only four days a month?"

I blinked, startled, and looked back and forth between the two of them. Four days a month? I remembered that soon after I arrived, Annalee was gone for the weekend, visiting a friend, Cass said. Had she really been staying with Holly? And Cass didn't want to tell me?

In the brief time I'd known them, Cass struck me as a good mother. Holly came off as a little snooty, maybe, but wasn't that sort of custody arrangement usually reserved for really unreliable people?

People whose lives were a total mess, like mine used to be? ...Like maybe mine still was?

"We've been over this," Cass said, cocking her head with an edge of impatience.

"With a lawyer who was _clearly_ biased," Holly returned.

Annalee went over to the bookcase, where she picked out a book and sat down near the round window. A pang of sadness for her thudded against my ribs. I knew what it was like, trying to ignore your parents while they fought over what they thought was best for you.

"Think of Annalee," Holly went on, striking right where I hurt. "I've said it once and I'll say it again: it's just not healthy for her to live out here. She has to go all the way into town to play with friends, when you even _do_ bring her—"

"I bring her whenever she asks," Cass cut in, but Holly didn't let her take over the conversation.

"Why should she need to ask first? A mother should encourage her child to play with other kids! She's only eight. It's _your_ job to find opportunities for her to make friends."

Cass folded her arms over her stomach, her shoulders curving down as if she were protecting herself from a blow.

"I've given her plenty of opportunities. I won't force her into anything she doesn't want to do."

"You shouldn't be making that decision," Holly said. She lifted her chin with self-assurance. "You're not the only one who knows how to raise a child, Cass. One of Annalee's teachers called me the other day. She says Annalee needs more socialization, that she doesn't relate to the other kids the way she should at her age."

"Annalee is doing fine," Cass said, much more hotly this time. Her face was turning red from her neck to her hairline.

"Would I have gotten a call from her teacher if that were true? The school is honestly very concerned!" Holly put her hands on her hips and leaned forward. "I've told you over and over that bringing her up in this lighthouse is a bad idea. She needs to be near other people. I don't want to get a lawyer involved in this, so things need to change and _you_ need to get on board, for our daughter's sake. She should be living with me, and _you_ should be the one getting these meager visits."

On the other side of the room, Annalee turned and put her back to us while she bent over her book. Rain started to patter against the window, running down the big panes of glass in streaks.

Holly was really making a scene, and it didn't endear me to her one bit. But Cass wasn't doing much to diffuse it or to shield Annalee from the argument, and I felt a little stab of resentment about that.

This was none of my business, but I'd already tried to make my escape and Holly prevented me for some reason. If she insisted I be here for this, I was going to speak my mind.

"I haven't known her long, but I can already tell that Annalee is a very well-adjusted little girl," I pointed out, and both of them looked over at me. "Maybe you just can't see that because you don't spend as much time with her."

"Exactly!" Holly cried, spreading her hands at Cass. Her outburst made me jump; the last thing I expected was for her to agree with me.

When Cass's eyes widened at me and she opened her mouth in shocked protest, I realized that Holly had taken what I said the wrong way. Not only that, she took it and ran with it.

"Exactly," she repeated. "You're keeping me from spending enough time with my daughter to learn what she really needs! You're not the only one in this equation. You don't get to make all of the decisions." Holly lifted her eyes heavenward as if asking for patience and guidance.

Cass was still looking at me. "You're taking _her_ side?" she asked roughly and shook her head in disbelief. Her face was still red and now her sharp, angry gaze was turned on me. There was an undercurrent of hurt that showed in the crinkles around her eyes.

"That's not what I meant," I insisted. I didn't want to spare a glance for Holly, but I could tell that she was wearing a smug expression. "All I'm saying is that there must be a way to face this together so you can figure out what's going on with Annalee and come to a compromise."

"Face this?" Cass laughed, incredulous. "Says the woman who's hiding out incommunicado in my lighthouse!"

Her words hit me with a wave of nausea and turned my legs to jelly. I was speechless.

There it was, thrown in front of me: Cass understood exactly what I was doing, even if she had none of the specifics, and she had no reason to dance around it any longer. The first shivers of panic started to tug at me, but instead of going away when I pushed them down, they only grew worse when I saw Holly pull her phone out of her purse.

"Wait, 'hiding out'?" Holly tapped on her screen with her thumbs. "She said your name's Nan? God, I thought you looked familiar!"

The world tilted beneath my feet. Every time over the last two weeks that I feared someone might recognize me, I calmed myself by repeating that it wouldn't be as big of a deal as I thought. Who cared what a washed-up movie star was doing post-rehab anyway? I'd just laugh it off and get on with things.

But now I knew I couldn't. It felt like the sky was cracking open, like I was some criminal who'd just seen a cop car come screaming around the corner. For a few agonizing seconds, I was frozen to the spot as I watched Holly scroll through pages on her phone.

"That's it!" she said, holding the phone out toward me and Cass. "You're Nancie Kellers, aren't you? The actress? I read about how you disappeared!" She flicked her fingers as if to demonstrate. Then her attention swung over to Cass. "_This_ is the kind of person you're harboring here? You only let me see my daughter every other weekend and yet you think somebody like _her_ being around our child is acceptable? What are Annalee's teachers going to think, Cass?"

She waved her hand at me, gesturing up and down my body, and I took a few steps backward as if getting a couple more feet away from her might make any difference. I was so afraid of seeing Cass's face, but I couldn't stop myself. I met her eyes.

Confusion was written there, confusion and betrayal and then a horrible understanding that meant "so I was right about you all along." The anguish that grasped my heart was so sudden and strong that I pressed both hands to my chest. My lungs forgot how to breathe. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that my reaction was way out of proportion.

But it was Cass who looked at me like that. It was those intense, storm-gray eyes that held a hurt _I'd_ caused, an unspoken and unearned trust I'd broken.

Never in my life, in all the relationships I'd destroyed or the people I'd let down, had I felt the kind of raw mortification I felt now.

"That'll certainly make my case for custody stronger," Holly said, though to me she sounded far away. "Clearly you didn't know this about your 'mermaid' here. You're letting someone stay in the same house as your little girl and you don't even know about her past? About what kind of person she is?"

Cass tore her eyes away from mine and leveled a hard look at Holly. "You can't possibly expect people to believe what you say," Cass told her flatly. "The teacher who called you must be new. Everyone else in town knows what kind of person _you_ are."

Holly scoffed. Before she could say anything, though, there was a thud from the other side of the room. Annalee had thrown her book on the floor and now she was up on her feet.

"Stop _fighting!_" she shouted. Her face was scrunched up and her light brown skin suddenly had much redder undertones. "Leave Nan alone! And stop being mean to each other!"

"Baby, we're just having a discussion—" Holly began, but Annalee interrupted her.

"No you're not! Mommy, I know you didn't like living here, so _fine_, but I'm not going away! Why can't you just be nice to each other?!" Annalee left her book on the rug and thumped up the stairs to her room and slammed the door.

The silence she left behind was only broken by a low rumble of thunder outside. I glanced at the window and saw that the clouds over the sea were dark now and rain pattered harder against the glass. In my stomach the instinctive fear bucked, the fear I now had of the rough waves and wind.

Cass watched Annalee go, a sick expression on her face. "Holly, I think you should leave. You heard Annalee say what she wants."

"Of course she'd say that!" Holly retorted. "Living with _you_ all this time! Not to mention with this woman's influence." She threw a disdainful look at me. "Children are very easily manipulated."

I felt dizzy with shock that this was happening. Everything I'd been afraid of—people finding me out and judging me for my past—was coming to life before my eyes, and worse, before Cass's.

"I'm not going to stand here while you accuse me of manipulating my daughter," Cass said through clenched teeth. "Leave."

Holly laughed scornfully and hitched her purse up on her shoulder. "I can't _wait_ until Annalee's school hears about this." Without saying another word, she swept out of the kitchen and through the lighthouse door.

Another roll of thunder punctuated her departure. I was afraid of looking at Cass, scared of what might be coming now. I had so many questions to answer, and I couldn't believe I'd been so hypocritical telling her to "face this."

I just couldn't do it.

"Nan—" she started to say, but I was already most of the way to the door. I ran down the steps into the mudroom and through to the cottage, where I swung my gaze around the room, trying to get my mind together enough to think.

I couldn't stay. I couldn't ruin this. The jig was up, as they say, and that meant my weird, wonderful little escape from reality was over.

I only had a few belongings, just the clothes and toiletries in my suitcase and a few things I picked up once I got my own credit card again. I shoved everything back in the suitcase, and it hit me how ironically typical this was of a "running away" scene from a movie.

My heart was pounding too hard and my head spinning too fast to really consider what I was doing. But that was the story of my life, right? Never taking a minute to slow down and think things through.

I shut the door to the cottage quickly behind me, but the moment I stepped into the mudroom I was confronted by Annalee, who ran to me and grabbed handfuls of my shirt near my waist. Her face was desperate as she looked up at me.

"Nan, what are you doing? You can't leave! My mommy says things sometimes that she doesn't mean!"

Finally, reason broke through my panic and my eyes blurred with tears. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt this little girl. There was nothing else I could do, though.

"Holly didn't say anything," I lied. "I just realized that I shouldn't have stayed for so long. I don't want to bother you any more than I already have."

"But you haven't!" Annalee hugged my waist. "You haven't bothered me at all! And Mama doesn't want you to go either!"

"She will," I said in a trembling voice. "Annalee, sweetie, I shouldn't be here, and your mama knows it. She loves you more than anything, and she won't want me here."

"That's dumb!" Annalee told me emphatically, her brows furrowing angrily. "Why would she not want you here?"

My throat closed tight at the idea of telling her exactly why. I was glad that Annalee didn't know much about addiction, what it could do to your life, and how far-reaching the impacts could be, no matter how much you fought them. I couldn't bear to be the one to teach her. As gently as I could, I unclasped her arms from around me and moved to the door.

"I'm so sorry," I said brokenly. "I have to go." I probably didn't even shut the door behind me as I jogged down the steps and across the lawn to where Cass's truck was parked. There was no way I'd ask her for a ride; I had to walk down the causeway myself, in spite of the giant, terrifying expanses of water on either side of it.

Dark clouds hung overhead and a strong wind scattered the rain. The sea was black-blue and dotted with whitecaps. As if my insides weren't home to a big enough hurricane already, fear spiked through me and made my legs heavy. I breathed through it and forced myself to move.

_Don't do this! A tiny, frantic voice in my mind begged. What's the worst that could happen if you go back? _

Oh, I didn't want to answer that. I knew what the worst would be: Cass looking at me with mistrust, with disdain, and she'd say, "You're a liar. I don't want you around my daughter, and I don't want you anywhere near _me._"

I had to cut my losses. They felt gigantic as it was. This wasn't why I came up here; I came to Cape Summer to rest, to regroup, to decide what was next...

_No. To hide._ I couldn't deny it now. And maybe I would keep hiding, maybe I'd find a cabin somewhere and become a hermit. But I couldn't do it here.

Not with Cass.

I wiped rain out of my face and wished I'd thought to put my hair up before running out of the lighthouse like an escaping burglar. With one hand, I held my hair back in a ponytail and walked as fast as I could, keeping my eyes firmly fixed on the unpaved road in front of me. If I didn't look to either side of it and didn't see the steep, rocky slope down to the water, maybe I wouldn't get frozen with fear.

"_Nan!_"

Another spear of pain plunged through my heart. It was Cass's voice.

I didn't look back; instead I picked up speed. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't listen to her demand answers. But one advantage of being a tall, strong prince of a woman was that Cass had much longer legs than mine.

I squeezed my eyes shut, prepared to block her shouting out of my ears.

I wasn't prepared for her to grab my wrist.

I swung back around and my eyes flew open. There she was, rain plastering down her short, black hair and running down her face. The shoulders of her shirt were dark with water.

In her silvery-gray eyes was a distress I'd never imagined. I never expected to see her look frantic, but even though she was clearly trying to fight against showing it, her eyes were narrow with suffering.

It made me stop short. My mouth opened, but no words came. I felt like we were suspended in time, like the rain was falling in slow motion around us.

"Nan..." Cass didn't let go of my wrist. Her fingers were cold, but she didn't hold me so tightly that I couldn't have slipped away if I wanted. "Wait."

I turned to face her fully. The fears weren't racing through my head anymore. Nothing at all was. I was captivated, and all I could do was stare into her eyes. The energy that crackled between us a few times before went wild now, like lightning striking water.

"Annalee said..." Cass was a little out of breath from running. "She said you were leaving."

"Of course," I replied quietly. "How can I stay? I used you."

Cass's eyebrows furrowed together. "Maybe you did. I don't know. I don't understand anything that's happening right now. My ex-wife's trying to take my daughter, you're...apparently someone famous, and now you're running away."

Her lips hardened, and I knew she wanted to say "again." But she didn't...and that meant something.

"You didn't sign up for this." I wanted to sound noble and self-sacrificing, but I just ended up sounding pathetic. "You've been really patient, and you have every right to wonder what's going on." The wind blew my hair into my face but I just let it be, because I couldn't bring myself to take my hand away from her. "But I can't tell you. You'll probably find out soon enough anyway. And when you do..."

My voice quavered into nothingness. If she would just let me go, I'd walk into town and catch a bus to somewhere else. Maybe it would feel like going on the lam, and who knew where I'd go, but thinking about the future had never been my strong point.

My eyes refused to move from hers, though. The spell she caught me in was stronger than the tide.

I gathered up all my courage and said to her, though my voice was weak: "You won't want me here."

Cass's fingers on my wrist loosened the tiniest bit, and I let my hand drop. It felt like tearing off a bandage. _Turn and go,_ I ordered myself. _Turn and go._

Then her voice came, clear and full of surrender: "But I do."

Without even knowing what I was doing, I lifted my hand and caught hers as if I were grabbing onto a lifeline. I took one step and she took the other, and my body collided with hers as she swept me into her arms.

When our lips met, I'd never felt anything so pure and passionate and all-encompassing. It was the opposite of drowning.

I was flying.

**Chapter Ten **

_**Cass**_

It was like a scene out of one of those books I secretly loved. Nan's hair was a mess and her face was red with the wind and rain and maybe with tears, and nothing in the last half-hour of my life made any sense...but I knew without a doubt that I wanted her more than anything I'd ever wanted before.

We came together in a surge of passion, desire and emotion mixing until all we could see was each other. For a brief moment, when her hand fell away from mine, I thought that was the end—I'd lost her. That's what made me say it. The fear of never seeing her again tore the words out of me. Now they repeated over and over in my mind.

_I do. I do want you to stay. _

I hadn't even seen Nan leave. Alone in the kitchen, I was too bewildered to see anything at all. It was like I'd been dealt a triple-punch: Holly wanted to take Annalee away. Nan knew about Holly now. And apparently Nan was famous, or infamous, and Holly knew something that she was prepared to use against us.

When Annalee ran downstairs and then out into the mudroom, I had a knee-weakening jolt of fright that she was going after Holly. I was paralyzed for a moment, caught between the fear that Holly might say even more to manipulate her and guilt that I was keeping my child from her parent.

Before I could get myself back together, Annalee came barreling back in, crying: "Nan's leaving! You have to stop her!"

My heart was what stopped, and everything else left my mind. I couldn't let this happen.

Now Nan was in my arms, hers twined around my neck, her warm lips pressed fully against my mouth. I held her as close as I could, like I was afraid she'd slip away, and she clung to me like she was scared of the same thing.

She tasted like rain with a hint of salt. Her scent filled me, even though it had never been an overpowering one: she just smelled like face cream and fresh shampoo. What did she need with perfume on an island like this, when she naturally smelled intoxicating on her own?

These last weeks, I'd always kept my hunger for her in check. Holly used to call me repressed, but I just thought of it as respect. The moment I saw Nan, I was floored by how beautiful she was, and now every time she smiled at me, I felt dizzying pops of light in my chest.

That light was magnified times a million right now. I practically glowed with heat. Everything that happened in the last half hour knocked me out of the realm of hesitation: I couldn't deny how I felt any longer.

Nan's fingers slipped through my hair, her nails tracing deliciously across my scalp, and I hitched her up against me so that her feet were barely touching the ground now. She felt so good pressed to me, firm and vibrant and real.

Her breath in the cold rain warmed me as our lips met over and over. I was overwhelmed by the feeling that I wanted to cherish her, protect her, save her from whatever made her feel so ashamed and harsh with herself. I knew that I was spiraling out of control, that being so impulsive was utterly unlike me, but I couldn't stop it.

Nan kissed me hard one more time and then buried her face in my shoulder. I let her down and hugged her close, curving over her in the rain.

"Come inside," I said huskily. "You don't need to be out here."

Nan bent down and picked up the suitcase she'd been carrying, which she threw to the ground when we came together. With my arm around her shoulders, we walked back to the lighthouse.

Annalee was waiting on the lawn at the bottom of the steps with an umbrella. She bounced up and down with an expression of overwhelmed relief and ran to hug Nan around the middle. I grabbed up the umbrella before she poked someone's eye out with it.

"I told you not to go!" she said to Nan, shaking her. "Nobody listens to me!"

"Well, I sure learned my lesson, huh?" Nan replied with a watery laugh. I hurried the two of them inside out of the rain.

Annalee clung to Nan the whole time as if she, too, was afraid Nan would disappear if she let go.

"I think it's time for some hot chocolate," I said decisively. "Love, will you go get us some towels?" Annalee ran to the bathroom and brought us back the biggest, fluffiest ones she could find.

Nan stuck close to my side while I put the kettle on to boil. She looked exhausted, drained, and honestly I felt the same way. I wrapped a towel around her shoulders and used the ends to gently dry her hair. When she met my eyes, hers were grateful but tentative.

She knew, like I did, that a conversation needed to happen.

After I mixed and poured the hot chocolate, we all sat down on the couch, Annalee squishing between us.

"I'm sorry they were mean to you," Annalee told Nan, and she turned and gave me a scathing glare. Nan patted her head.

"We were all upset," she said, which was pretty gracious given how Holly acted and the way I didn't immediately come to Nan's defense.

"You're not going to leave now, right?" Annalee asked.

Nan shook her head slowly. "I won't run off again like that, I promise."

"Yeah, but you're going to _stay_, right?"

I gave Nan an apologetic look over Annalee's head. She couldn't always be fooled by choosing your words carefully so as not to make promises.

"For a little while, anyway," Nan replied. "There are a lot of things I need to figure out."

Annalee looked skeptical. I sighed and put my mug down.

"Annalee, could you give us some space to talk? Maybe play in your room for a bit?"

"What?!" she cried indignantly. "Mama, come on!"

Nan took her hand and squeezed it. "She's right," she said. "We need to talk about grownup things for a little bit. It'll make it easier for me to stay." She looked at me and an understanding passed between us. I felt nervousness and a sense of relief hit me at the same time.

Annalee groaned and wiggled with irritation. "Fine! But come get me for lunch."

"I promise," Nan said.

Annalee took her hot chocolate and sulked up the stairs, stomping her feet on each step so we didn't miss her staggering disapproval of the situation.

In the silence that followed, so many emotions swirled through me. It felt like this conversation was going to be big, and part of me was floored by the idea that anything like this had even happened. Everything had changed in an instant, and my body and heart told me that it changed for the better, but my head forced me to reserve judgment.

That hurt, though. I hated the idea that I might not be able to trust her.

Nan drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She still had the towel around her shoulders and I tried not to notice how transparent her shirt had become in the rain. Her skin beneath it was such a soft, rosy color. I stood up suddenly.

"Let me get you a sweater," I said. My heartbeat picked up pace and I shouted at myself internally not to stall any longer, but I found her one of my sweaters instead and she ducked into the bathroom to put it on.

Then we were together on the sofa once again, and I worried that I'd derailed her before the conversation even started. But Nan pulled her legs up and folded them under her, and she hid her hands inside the sleeves of the sweater.

"You're probably wondering what Holly meant about me," she said softly.

I hesitated and then nodded. "She can be really spiteful," I said. "And selfish. I shouldn't have reacted like I did. I..." I swallowed and looked down into my mug of hot chocolate. "I guess it's none of my business anyway."

Nan's eyes were large as she looked at me. They were the color of the waves with sunlight shining through them, a surprising green within the gray.

"Isn't it, though?" She lifted her fingers and touched them to her lips, and heat started to kindle inside me again just seeing her do that. The memory of our kiss filled my mind and my body awoke again. I wanted to take her into my arms but this was definitely not the right time.

She closed her eyes then and shook her head. "I've had a lot of one-night stands, Cass," she told me. "Those women didn't need to know anything about me. I felt no obligation to tell them what I've been through. But you..."

Nan trailed off and my head spun with what she was implying. "Me?" I asked slowly.

"You don't strike me as a one-night stand kind of woman, Cass." Nan wrapped her fingers around her mug of hot chocolate and met my eyes fully. "Or really the dating type either, to be honest."

I flushed. "Nail squarely hit."

"I knew there was something different about you the moment we met," Nan continued. "I mean, at first I just thought it was the fact that you saved my life, and that's a pretty good reason to develop a crush on somebody. But the more time I spent with you, the more I realized that's not all it is. There's nothing I want more than to have the strength to tell you everything about me. But..." She squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed her forehead with her fingers. "I don't have it. I'm too afraid."

"Maybe just...try?" I offered. "A little at a time?"

Nan looked up at me with a furrowed brow. "And that would be enough?"

"I don't know," I said honestly. "These are uncharted waters for me. But I..." I'd acted on passion alone when I kissed her. No one could tell me, though, that it hadn't been exactly what I wanted to do for weeks. "I don't want to pretend none of this is happening."

Nan was silent for a moment and then she nodded with a grim resolution. "Holly was right about my name," she said. "My full name, I mean. Nancie Kellers. I'm an actress, or...I used to be." She began to nervously comb her fingers through her damp, windblown hair. "I've been in a bunch of TV shows and movies." Her eyes flickered up to me as if to judge my reaction or any realization that came over my face.

"I might've heard your name before," I said. "But I don't think I've seen you in anything."

"I've changed my hair a lot for different roles," she replied with a shrug. "If you don't watch TV much or read any of the celebrity news blogs, I'm not surprised that you didn't recognize me. I mean, I was surprised at first, but then I got to know you." A hint of a teasing smile crossed her lips and just seeing it eased the tension in my body.

"Yeah, a hermit lighthouse keeper who doesn't keep up with every celebrity tweet. Imagine that." I returned her smile, but her expression had already turned sober again.

"I was exactly one of those celebrities, too. Always on social media, always being interviewed, always in the public eye." Her shoulders drooped and she leaned her head back on the sofa's pillowed back rest. "That's what I hate most about it, recently. I went through some..." Nan swallowed and bit her bottom lip. Her chest rose and fell like she was breathing with carefully measured breaths to keep herself calm. "Some personal stuff. A lot of shit happened, and most of it was my fault." She looked up at the ceiling, and the regret in her eyes made my heart squeeze.

"You're really hard on yourself," I said. "That's something I've noticed about you." I paused and thought my words through before continuing. "The day we met, you said you were running away from yourself. What is it you feel so ashamed of? I've spent a lot of time with you since you got here, Nan, and I haven't noticed anything to be ashamed of."

She glanced at me then with a hint of exasperation, like she couldn't believe I just said that. "I keep telling you—for somebody so tough, you're awfully naive. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you need to be afraid of me or anything."

She looked away suddenly; her shoulders curved in and she gave a shiver, as if voicing the idea rattled her. "I just... Look, I really, _really_ don't want to fuck this up." Nan gently waved her fingers between the two of us. "Whatever it is, whatever we want it to be, I don't want it to all go to hell because of what happened in the past. I've been working really hard to leave that part of my life behind. That's why I came to Cape Summer to begin with."

I nodded pensively. That was something I understood. The way I lived my life—in the same lighthouse that generations of my ancestors called home and with a daughter to consider—I couldn't just up and leave in order to escape from the memories of Holly. There were plenty of times I wanted to, though, and I can't say I wouldn't have done it if I were unattached.

Nan searched my face with pain in her eyes. "I'm just not ready to go into the details. The press said such terrible things about me, and just the thought of reliving it..."

She dropped her gaze to her lap and wiped her nose quickly with the back of her hand. A protective surge rose within me so strongly that I felt like I might punch the next reporter I laid eyes on.

"I need a break from the media and from the paparazzi that were always following me around," she explained. "That's why I'm trying to keep anyone from recognizing me. I know it's ridiculous, but could you promise that you won't look me up? Just for now?"

I blinked at her. That wasn't something that had even crossed my mind. "...Okay," I replied slowly. I couldn't decide whether it was stranger that she thought I might Google-search her behind her back or that she'd actually come out and asked me not to. And as much as she called me naive, I wasn't so clueless that such a thing didn't sound—objectively—pretty suspicious.

What hurt the most, though, was that all this meant she didn't trust me.

Guilt gave me a well-deserved pinch. Speaking of coming clean about issues rooted in the past, I hadn't said a thing about Holly to her. In fact, I purposefully worded things so she wouldn't know I even had an ex-wife, and I told her Annalee was staying over at a friend's when she was with Holly for the weekend. It was too painful to talk about, and I blamed myself for so much of what happened. And wasn't that exactly what Nan was saying too?

"It's nobody's business what your job used to be," I said. "People in town really like you, and I'm sure they still would if they knew you were a movie star." I smiled a little and nudged her foot with my own. "But they don't _need_ to know that. I'll help you protect your privacy. There are few places more private than out here, after all."

Nan sighed with relief and slumped against the pillows. "You're way kinder to me than I deserve," she murmured.

I slid closer to her on the couch as my heart jumped in my chest. It was happening again: the impulsiveness, the loss of control I felt when she needed me, and the intense desire to hold her and make her feel protected.

I lifted my hand to her cheek and turned her face toward me. "I don't want to hear that," I told her. "You deserve kindness, no matter what's happened to you."

Tears rose in her eyes and I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers. Her fingers curled in my shirt, then her hand slipped over my thigh to my hip to pull me closer. Her mouth was hot and soft, soft as rose petals.

I was intoxicated by her. I didn't care what she was hiding; she was a good person, and I believed it with all my heart.

**Chapter Eleven **

_**Nan**_

Until right now, I honestly couldn't have imagined a universe in which all this had worked out. I'd been backed into a corner, and then I ran—like I always did, like I'd been doing for months now. But...

Maybe I didn't have to run anymore?

A huge part of me didn't believe it. I was still terrified of any number of things. People in the town might find out who I was. Holly might tell someone about my past and use it against Cass to take Annalee away. Cass might find out everything I wasn't ready to tell her.

But for right now, things felt safe. There were two people, at least, who knew and accepted a big part of me.

We told Annalee much the same thing I told Cass: I was an actress, but that's a stressful life and I needed to get away from all of the hard things a celebrity goes through. If anything did happen, I knew I had a fierce defender in Annalee. It felt good on one hand, but on the other it made the prospect of letting her down even more nauseating.

I spent some time at the lighthouse by myself for a few days while Cass went about her usual business in town. One morning she came back after making a quick trip and I had a cup of coffee waiting for her.

"Anything?" I asked nervously. This was how our first conversation always went when she returned from town. Cass shook her head and I nodded gratefully in response.

"No, nobody's acting any different. I've mentioned you in passing a couple of times and nobody even bats an eye. For now, anyway, it seems like Holly hasn't made good on her threat."

I leaned against the counter with a sigh. "Is it like her to talk big like that?"

Cass made a pensive sound. "Sometimes. She always had these grand ideas but when it came to actually going through with them, she gave up because it was too much work. On the other hand, though, she could be really selective and shrewd about exactly what way a person said something, so she could turn it back on them. I don't know." She sighed. "I'm a little worried that she's biding her time for some reason, planning for a good moment to strike. Sounds pretty paranoid, huh." She gave me a sideways glance and a tired half-smile.

"You're asking the queen of paranoia here," I joked. "I wish I could offer you a reality check, but all of mine have bounced."

She chuckled. "Well, how about we go pick Annalee up together? We can get some pastries. You've charmed half of the shop owners in town with how well you treat Annalee and I'm sure Miss Tandy at the bakery would be happy to see you."

I waffled about it for a moment but then nodded. "Yeah, I think that would be good for me."

Later that afternoon, Cass and I walked into the bakery and the owner, Miss Tandy, greeted us warmly. She was a small, round woman with her curly gray hair wrapped in a messy bun on the top of her head.

"There you are, Nan!" she said. "I hadn't seen you come in with Annalee in a while and I was afraid you'd gone home from vacation without saying goodbye."

"No, looks like I might be here for a while," I replied, smiling at Cass. Tandy gave us both a look with raised eyebrows and then laughed knowingly.

"You don't say! Well, Annalee will be pleased to have her mermaid for longer. Speaking of which, I made some cookies this morning that I thought you might be interested in." She pointed to one of the shop's glass display cases. Between the chocolate-dipped cream puffs and a tower of macarons, there was a plate of sugar cookies.

They were all ocean-themed and had exquisitely detailed icing. The octopus was the most impressive, but I was charmed by all the seashells.

"I'll take three of those," I said to Tandy with a grin. She seemed to sense where I was going with this because she handed me two of the cookies first. I held them up over my boobs.

"The design is the height of mermaid fashion, I'll give you that, " I said. "But they'd make a crummy bra."

Cass snorted and made a disgusted noise at my joke. I bounced a little to jiggle my boobs and was delightfully rewarded with a blush that appeared on her cheeks.

"You're not going to leave with just cookies, are you?" Tandy asked, taking pity on Cass. "We still have some of Annalee's favorite." She ducked down behind the display case and came back with a slice of Oreo cheesecake.

"She'll be devastated without it," I told Cass seriously. "We'd better take it home."

Cass chuckled and paid for the cheesecake after I bought the cookies. After saying goodbye to Miss Tandy, we headed for the elementary school to pick up Annalee.

I was feeling fairly cheerful until Annalee came out of the building and I saw her face. Her head was bent down and she was crying in upset gulps.

A shock of panic went through me: Holly must've told the teachers. The teachers knew and wanted Annalee to have nothing more to do with me, and Annalee was going to get her innocent little heart broken.

Cass jumped out of the driver's seat and went around to meet her. "What happened?" she asked. My throat was dry with fright.

"Noah Callahan said I smelled like fish!" Annalee whimpered. She sniffled and rubbed her hands over her eyes. "And then Olivia said so too. And she said you're a witch and we eat frogs and seaweed for dinner!"

Cass glared toward the school and I got out of the truck too. I was wobble-legged with relief but that was soon overtaken by how miserable Annalee was. I went over to her and she buried her face in my stomach.

"It was really mean of them to make stuff up about you like that," I told her. "You _don't_ smell like fish. I would know." I smiled soothingly. "I smelled just like a fish when you rescued me, and you smell nothing like that."

"They were picking on me for no reason!" she quavered. Cass stroked her hair and then took her by the hand.

"Some people don't need a reason to be mean," Cass said reproachfully. We took Annalee to the truck and helped her up into it, where she sat between the two of us.

"You know what I try to do when people say mean things about me?" I said to her. She looked up at me and wiped her face with her sleeve.

"What?"

"First I try to ignore them. But sometimes you can't, so here's what I do." I brushed her hair back from her face and smiled again. "I know it's hard, but I try to be as calm as possible. And I say to them, 'That's a lie. Why would you make up something like that about me?' It turns it back on them and makes them face the fact that they're being mean."

"And does that work?" Annalee sniffled.

"Sometimes. But it always makes _me_ feel better to show that I'm just surprised at how awful they're being." Annalee thought about that and leaned close to my side. "You know what?" I said. "I think it's a cheesecake and cookies at the playground afternoon. What do you think?"

Annalee perked up at the mention of sweets. "Cheesecake?"

"We picked up your favorite at Miss Tandy's," Cass said to her. She gave me a grateful look over Annalee's head. "She insisted we get some for you, Queen Anne."

Annalee smiled for the first time. "I wanna eat it by the beach!"

"The beach playground it is, then," Cass said. She started the truck.

Just as we began rolling, though, Cass hit the brakes and we all jerked forward. I peered out the windshield, assuming she'd seen a kid run in front of the truck or something, but there was no one there.

Then, a few spaces down the lane of the school parking lot, I noticed a gold minivan pull out. It had a round sticker in the back window with an artist guild's logo. The van left the lot, and my skin went cold.

I'd seen that car before.

I looked over at Cass and her eyes were wide, her jaw clenched tight. In no more than a few seconds, though, she shook herself and took her foot off the brake.

"Thought somebody was backing out," she muttered, and Annalee merely looked impatient to get going. She was craning her neck toward the back seat of the truck to get a look at the box of treats from the bakery.

When Cass met my eyes, though, I knew we both recognized that minivan.

It was Holly's.

What was she doing at Annalee's school on a day we all knew Cass had custody? Fear took hold of my stomach again. She had to be here to tell Annalee's teachers about me.

Had she left because she saw us? It was right after the school day ended, so maybe she wouldn't have had time to talk to anyone since all the teachers would've been in classes.

I tried to calm my thumping heart. It wasn't the time to worry about my own problems. I promised myself to help Annalee feel better instead.

The playground was just behind a long, white beach a little bit south of town. It sat on a green lawn, and at this time of the year, there were still picnicking families making the best of the nice weather before the cold settled in. We sat on a bench and ate the cookies and cheesecake while the salty ocean wind tickled our faces.

Annalee insisted that I come push her on the swings, so I did, and I was so happy to see that she'd cheered right up. We went over to the monkey bars for a bit, and while Annalee was hanging there, she asked me seriously:

"Do you like my mama?"

I blinked and my heart turned a cartwheel. It had come out of nowhere, and it was even more startling because I was conflicted about the answer.

"Of course I do," I said, trying to play dumb. "Why wouldn't I? She's been so kind to me."

Annalee gave me an "I'm not stupid" stare. "No, I mean do you _like_ like her? I saw you kissing."

Damn. I couldn't weasel my way out of this one. "Um," I stalled. I kept my hands up in case I needed to catch her while she was dangling from the bars. "Yeah. I think I do." I looked at her, but she was watching the ground. "How does that make you feel?"

"Well, _I_ like you," Annalee said after a thoughtful pause. "Not like that, though. You're too old."

I grimaced, although that was the answer I wanted to hear. "So it's okay with you if your mama and I...kiss?" I didn't mean to hesitate, but a lot of things had been going through my mind in the last few days that were a bit hotter than kissing. Annalee did not need to know _anything_ about those.

"Some girls like other girls and some boys like other boys. And that's okay." Annalee looked up at me to make sure that I was following this very important lesson. When she seemed convinced I was listening, she continued. "Yeah, it's okay. I think she's lonely," Annalee told me. She swung from one bar to another and back again, while adding with a frown: "And she needs somebody who's _not_ Mommy."

"I guess you're mad at her, huh?" I said. Annalee didn't reply. Frankly, I was mad at Holly too—not only on my own behalf, because she was threatening to use my past against Cass and Annalee, but because she honestly seemed to want to hurt Cass more than do what was best for her daughter. "Well," I went on, "I do like your mama. And I like you, too. I don't want you to get hurt." Annalee looked back up at me like she was about to protest the idea that I might ever do that. I spoke again before she could. "I like being here so, so much, but I can't lie to you and say I might be here forever."

She frowned and thought about that. "As long as you don't promise and then break your promise," she said finally. My chest squeezed at the possibility that that might ever happen.

"I'll try my best," I replied. I'd never promise something like that...but what if I _could?_ It was so exhausting to keep running and running like this, to hide what happened to me, what I'd done. Maybe, if I told Cass, she'd accept me.

A tiny, frightened part of me that hid itself deep inside wondered if this was what hope felt like.

**Chapter Twelve **

_**Cass**_

I don't know how long Annalee and Nan played at the playground, but all I could think about as I watched them was what a sweet pair they were. It was clear that Annalee was feeling some pretty serious hero-worship, and Nan always seemed to know exactly what she needed to hear.

I honestly would've been a little jealous, or felt discouraged about my own job as a mother, if I weren't so charmed by it all. Sometimes I could be too defensive and overprotective to see things clearly when it came to my daughter. Nan, on the other hand, had the distance to see what was needed.

Right now Nan was holding Annalee up so she could touch the gold ball at the top of the jungle gym where she couldn't manage to climb. Had Nan spent much time with kids? She was really good with them.

_A cold little wind blew through my heart. Will I ever know? Or will this secret always stand between me and truly knowing her? _

Watching them gave me a sense of comfort that I hadn't felt since the moment I was blindsided when things fell apart with Holly. But my trust had been broken then, and if I was being cynical about it, there was a good possibility that whatever Nan was hiding would sever our trust too.

But did I have any right to ask when I agreed to give her time?

I just wanted to hold onto this feeling and stop second-guessing everything.

We made spaghetti with meatballs and garlic bread for dinner when we got home. I always loved cooking with Annalee, but that night the kitchen felt extra warm and bright. The moon was shining over the sea after I put Annalee to bed, and the moonlight made a path of white shimmers on the ocean that looked like a road to the horizon.

Nan was putting away a board game that the three of us had been playing. She smiled over at me when I sat down on the couch beside her.

"Kids are lucky," she said. "They get over things pretty fast."

I snorted softly. "I never did."

"Oh?" Nan gave me a sidelong look, her eyes warm. "You were a sensitive little girl, then?"

I felt self-conscious all of a sudden. "I guess so. If by sensitive you mean broody and introverted."

"Those aren't bad things," Nan said. She pulled her feet up onto the couch and wrapped her arms loosely around her knees. "Stuff like that rolled right off my back when I was little. That's pretty rare in the life of a child star, I think."

"You've been acting for that long?" I asked.

She nodded, but her expression turned a little bitter. "I had the kind of pushy entertainment industry parents everyone hears about. Somehow criticism from anybody else didn't bother me at all. Maybe I was saving it all up for when I became an adult." She rolled her eyes a little.

"I can't even imagine what it must've been like to be famous," I said. "You must just be constantly scrutinized. I get disheartened enough when people here make snarky comments about how I'm turning into Quasimodo. I'd never survive a life like that."

"You learn to live with it," Nan replied, and then she looked away. Her brows pulled together and she winced. "Or you don't."

I was caught between wanting to learn more about her life and saving her the obvious discomfort she was in now. I was still floundering in indecision when she met my eyes again with a half smile.

"Hey, you know what Annalee said to me today?"

I shook my head. "What?"

"She asked me if I like you." Nan paused and her smile turned impish. "If I _like_ like you."

"Oh my god, really?" I thumped my head against the sofa back's cushion and covered my face with both hands. Embarrassment made my cheeks burn. "She never holds back words, that one."

Nan laughed. "I practically reacted the same way. But..." She ran her fingers through her honey-gold hair and our eyes connected again. "She said it was okay."

"She...did?" I sat up from my slouch. Somehow, it felt like a gate had been opened inside me. Nan nodded. I hadn't even realized how much I needed to hear that.

"She saw us kissing after I tried to leave."

Okay, I take it back: I did _not_ want to hear that part. I covered my face again.

"She saw us? Oh, god, what must she have thought? I didn't even know what I was doing!" Nan lifted an eyebrow, and I shook my head. "No, no, I mean... I was just swept up by everything I was feeling, and..."

"I know what you mean," Nan said, letting me off with a smile. Then she dropped her eyes and a shy expression softened her face. "You and I never really had a conversation about it though, after. And I meant it when I told her that I _do_ like you."

"_Like_ like me?" I asked, feeling bold enough suddenly to joke. She laughed and shook her head with exasperation.

"Yes, _like_ like you." With a soft giggle, she picked up a scrap of paper and a pen from the coffee table and wrote something on it. Then she passed it to me.

_Cass, do you like Nan K? Circle One: Yes. No. _

"Sorry it's not in the shape of a triangle," Nan said with a playful shrug. "I forget how we used to fold the silly things in middle school."

I drew a breath in to speak. The words stuck in my throat a little, since it had been so long since I told anyone the same thing. I took the pen from her and circled "Yes." The smile that brightened her face could have lit the whole room.

"I wouldn't have kissed you if I didn't feel the same way." I took her hand and she unfolded her legs so she could slide closer to me.

Nan's eyes were shining and I saw relief flit across her expression. Had she thought I didn't? Or maybe she just needed to hear me say it. She always looked so confident and sure of herself when she was playing with Annalee, but when we were alone, there was a wariness and a sadness that always crept in. Right now, though...

It was gone.

I reached for her hand and her fingers closed around mine, and then she leaned her shoulder into mine. It was a mere few inches between our lips, and I would've been fooling myself if I thought I'd be able to resist crossing that space.

She breathed out just as our mouths met, a sigh of ease and longing. That sound made my skin flame to burning. I hooked one arm around her waist and drew her onto my lap as the waves of desire crashed over me.

She rolled and straddled my thighs, lifting herself up so that her forearms were on my shoulders and her fingers traced in my hair while we kissed. I lifted my face up to hers and she drank me in, slowly at first and then with more ardor.

Kissing Nan was nothing like kissing Holly had been. I worshipped Holly and I always felt like she was bestowing a gift when we touched each other, but this... This was different. It filled me up rather than leaving me spent. Nan didn't act like she was better than me.

I wove my fingers together at the small of her back and pulled her closer. Nan's lips were soft and silky and they only got plumper as we kissed. Her hands slid over my shoulders and down to grip my waist, and she sat back onto my thighs. I leaned into her, captivated by every move she made.

When her thumbs edged beneath my shirt, a wave of goosebumps flickered across my skin. Her fingers felt like cool, shining spots of moonlight and my skin grew hotter beneath them.

She made a low, soft sound of longing and my need for her unfurled inside me. It had been so long since someone touched me like this. Nan had been so right when she said I didn't seem like the one-night stand type. I'd been alone since Holly, never trusting anyone else, unwilling to let anyone even try to get close to me. But now there was a glittering, bubbly feeling deep in my abdomen that warmed me to the core. It was an urgent desire and I could tell from the way her hips tilted up against me that she was feeling the same thing. I reached around and cupped her rear with my hands, delighting in its firmness.

Nan pressed into me and I kissed her over and over. She lifted her head so I could trace my lips down her neck and to her collarbone, which was the perfect shape for my mouth to touch. Then her hands disappeared under my shirt and I needed her to touch me so badly that I ached.

Her fingers were warm now and growing hotter, and when she nudged her thumbs beneath the cups of my bra, pleasure doused me in flames. I gasped and it came out much louder than I intended, and suddenly all of this crashed to a halt.

"W-wait," I panted. "Wait, Annalee is upstairs, I can't—"

Nan continued to kiss my neck for a heartbeat but she pulled her hands out of my shirt. Then she sat back down on my lap again. Her eyes were dark, pupils dilated, and the color of her lips had deepened. She closed her eyes and breathed out.

"Right. You're right."

I whimpered with frustration. "I'm so sorry. I really want..." I looked up at her and the desire in her expression made my heartbeat skip.

"We could go to the cottage," she said softly. My hands started to tremble with the very thought, but I lowered my gaze.

"I...wouldn't feel right," I said. There was a whirlwind in my head and a thunderstorm raging in my body. I hated this confined feeling, and it was one I was utterly unused to. I usually liked being cozied up in my lighthouse with nothing around me but ocean and sky, but right now I felt pulled between so many things.

Nan nodded slowly. Her jaw tightened a little and I could read disappointment on her face, but she didn't say anything to show it.

"Okay," she replied in a quiet voice, as if worried she'd wake Annalee up. "I get it. Are you..." Her brow furrowed and she slid off my lap to sit beside me. "Are you upset this happened?"

"No!" I took her hand and squeezed it. "No, not at all. Please don't think that. I just..." I sighed. "I don't know. It's sudden, and I know she said me kissing you was okay, but..." I pressed my lips together. It was hard to put my feelings into words.

Nan tilted her head and looked at me sidelong. "You're worried about what Annalee might think. I understand that. But what about you? Do you only ever think of her and not yourself?"

I stared at her. It was a fair question and it should've been an easy one. Of course I did things for my own sake. I was the one who was fervently making out with Nan only moments ago.

But I didn't know what to say. Beyond the physical need and how charmed and intrigued I was by her, I didn't know what I wanted.

There were still so many unknowns, and I'd made up my mind to trust her for now. But this? For me, this was the ultimate trust, and I couldn't let myself be carried off by what my body wanted.

"I...have to have priorities," I replied. "Everything is so uncertain right now." I didn't come out and say it, but I think she understood: the answer was yes, of course I put my daughter's happiness before my own.

Even if it meant denying myself pleasure with the kindest, sexiest, most beautiful woman I'd ever known.

Nan nodded, resigned. She sat back against the couch cushions. "Uncertain," she echoed. It hurt me to see sadness and shame creep into her expression. "I'm sorry. I got carried away. When Annalee said she was okay with us being together, I thought it just...opened up a door, or something. But it's not a door I can go through unless I unlock it myself."

I frowned pensively. "You mean...?" My heartbeat picked up at the possibility that she might open up to me, that she might tell me what it was in her past that she was hiding from.

But Nan shook her head quickly. "Sometimes I think you shouldn't bother waiting around for that day to come."

My heart sank with disappointment. If _she_ thought she might never be able to tell me, was I being foolish to hang on?

All my life I'd been so certain about almost everything: that I'd keep the lighthouse until I died, that I'd love Annalee for that long and after, and that I'd have a happy life with Holly. When Holly destroyed that, I clung to the next certainty: that I'd never find love again.

But right now, every day was uncertain. Every moment with Nan was uncertain. She was still such a mystery. But I was willing to risk it, right?

"I'm waiting now," I said. "Why don't we just leave it there?"

Nan gave me a weak smile and leaned against my shoulder. I got the feeling she was tired of uncertainty too.

**Chapter Thirteen **

_**Nan**_

"Ugh, what is wrong with me?" I mumbled as I got ready to join Cass for a day of doing errands around town before we picked Annalee up from school. I braided my hair over one shoulder and smoothed down my knee-length, sleeveless dress. It was a satiny gray, and I realized afterward that I'd unconsciously picked it out because it matched Cass's eyes. "_So_ much," I answered myself bleakly.

Fooling around with Cass had been a big mistake, and I only had myself to blame. For such a tough, stoic woman, she was awfully naive—I stood by that assessment—and she clung onto this idea that people were fundamentally unselfish until proven otherwise. Where would that leave me when she found out why I'd fled the celebrity spotlight?

To think I'd left rehab with a spring in my step and an unwavering belief that I could start over. Maybe _I _was the naive one.

Cass acted a little shy around me now, at least when we were alone, and I couldn't decide whether I found that adorable or cringey. Both, probably. When we walked out to the truck from the lighthouse, I couldn't help getting caught up in how unconsciously sexy she was.

I'd always had a thing for women with short hair. Hers was glossy in the sun with just the slightest wave, enough to make it look artfully tousled. Her blue and white linen shirt showed off her shapely arms, the kind of lean muscles you'd expect to see on someone who worked outside most of the time. We were going through a late September warm spell and her tight jean shorts made her ass look phenomenal.

I sighed wistfully as we crossed the grass, the breeze gently buffeting the two of us. It was entirely likely that admiring her beauty was the most I'd get.

When we pulled into the school parking lot that afternoon, I was on high alert for signs of Holly's minivan. Several minutes after the end-of-school bell, Annalee came out of the main door with a teacher walking beside her. I stiffened.

The teacher didn't look particularly angry, but that didn't stop adrenaline from shooting through my veins. Was it self-centered to think that anytime someone at the school wanted to talk to Cass, it must be about me? Sure, but I already knew damn well how paranoid I was.

We were both waiting outside the truck for Annalee to come out, so I walked with Cass when she went over to the teacher. Annalee waved to us and took hold of my hand when we met.

"It's nice to see you again, Ms. Hawdon," Cass said politely. The teacher looked very young; she smiled back, but I could tell from her demeanor that she felt an earnest conversation was in order. My stomach turned over uncomfortably.

"Ms. Finnegan, I wanted to talk to you for a minute about Annalee." She turned her smile on Annalee, who just shrugged at us, looking generally indifferent.

"Okay," Cass said. "Is everything all right?"

"Oh, yes, I'm just...concerned." Ms. Hawdon looked and me and I had to stop myself from stepping back from her, but it was just a glance, just an acknowledgement of my presence. I didn't feel any less on edge. The teacher went on. "I noticed that Annalee doesn't play with the other children very much. We try to stop bullying whenever we see it, but she _is _a frequent target and she doesn't have many friends to stand up for her."

Cass frowned, looking over at Annalee with concern. "Shouldn't you be talking to those other kids' parents, then? She's told me about some of the things they say to her."

"Well, yes, we're looking into that, but I wanted to talk to _you._" Ms. Hawdon nodded and fixed Cass with a serious look. "Even when other kids are kind to her, she usually plays alone. She prefers to do projects alone, too."

"It gets done faster that way," Annalee spoke up. "And then nobody fights about anything."

She wanted to avoid fights whenever she could; I knew how it felt to be a kid like that. My parents fought over my acting career all the time, and they were still married even now. It couldn't have been easy when Cass and Holly got divorced.

"But you need to learn how to deal with things like that, honey," Ms. Hawdon told her. She returned her attention to Cass. "It's unhealthy for her to be so solitary. What she needs is to be around more people than just her mother all the time." She glanced over at me again and I froze for a second before she continued, to my surprise: "It _has_ gotten better with your friend around," she said brightly. "Annalee tells me about the games you play and how she shows you around town a lot. It sounds like you three go on a lot of outings together." Then she gestured at Cass again and said to her jokingly, "It's a good change! If you hadn't grown up here, I doubt anybody would know you at all!"

Cass's face reddened. I could practically see walls going up and spears bristling from behind them. "Annalee does all her work well, doesn't she?" she asked, just short of demanding.

Annalee's eyes widened a little and she edged closer to me. She shot a look up at me as if to say "Oh boy, here she goes."

Cass folded her arms. "She isn't mean to the other kids, is she? She doesn't cause problems or make trouble, does she?"

"Well, no, of course not," Ms. Hawdon assured her, holding up her hands. "But she's so bright, and I want her to flourish. Exposure to other people will help do that." She wilted just a little under Cass's glare and added cheerfully, "Something to think about!

Ms. Hawdon waved goodbye to Annalee, who looked a little relieved to have that over. But then she peered up at me and a big smile spread across her face.

"She likes you, Nan!" she said and bounced on her toes. Then she took Cass's hand too and walked us toward the truck. Cass and I shared a look.

"I'm sorry if it was weird to hear her talk about you like that," Cass said to her daughter. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine!" Annalee replied, giggling. "She said things were better with Nan here, right? So Nan's a good fluent on me!"

"Influence," Cass corrected gently. "Yeah, we're glad to hear that."

That was an understatement. A load of the tension I'd been feeling eased off. Surely Holly couldn't have told the school anything if the teachers thought I was good for Annalee. I _wanted_ to be good for her. If any rumors of what I'd been through had reached the school, Ms. Hawdon definitely would've brought it up while she was going on about socialization. It would've been exactly the right chance for her to.

Cass still looked rattled, though. She was clearly keeping her anger under control for Annalee's sake. I offered her a smile when we got into the truck.

"The weather's so nice out," I said. "Maybe we should get a snack and go down to the beach. We can look for sand dollars."

"It's low tide in an hour!" Annalee chimed in helpfully.

"Good job keeping track of the tides," Cass told her with a fond look. "That sounds like a nice way to spend the afternoon.

"You both love the beach," Annalee said. "You should go more often. Together. Maybe when I'm at school!"

I blinked slowly at her. She had a somewhat suspicious hint of encouragement in her voice and face.

"Sure," I said, puzzled. Annalee settled between us with a satisfied look. We stopped for some french fries at Josie's Snack Shack, one of the fried seafood stands on the way to the beach, and sat on a bench while we ate them. Then the three of us went down to the farthest tidepools and poked around for sand dollars.

After a few minutes, though, Annalee came and grabbed my hand again. She pulled me over toward Cass and took her hand too.

"Why don't you go sit down on the bench?" she said. "You can relax together! I can play by myself."

"No, honey, the benches are really far away," Cass replied.

Annalee shook her head. "Then I'll play closer! Come on, probably talking to Ms. Hawdon was stressy. You should rest."

Cass and I looked at each other and I shrugged. Annalee walked us back up the beach to one of the benches and then went over to a little hill of smooth rock that ran from the grassy border above the beach down to the sand.

Cass sat down. She leaned back and slung both of her arms over the back of the bench, and I settled beside her. On a bench this size, she only would've had to move her arm the slightest bit to drape it over my shoulders. I wanted that so much.

"She pretends all of the different sections of those rocks are rooms in a house," Cass told me vaguely.

"Mm," I said. The granite rocks had big cracks in them and veins of white quartz and other minerals running through, making for neat delineations. Then I looked sidelong at Cass. "Is she up to something?"

"Definitely," Cass replied under her breath. "I think she's trying to play Little Miss Matchmaker."

I swallowed. "Yeah, that's what I was afraid of."

Cass gave me a quick glance but I couldn't read her expression. "Sometimes when she latches onto something, she just won't let it drop."

"Do you think..." I twisted my fingers together and leaned forward to peer at Annalee around Cass. "You don't think she heard us that night, do you?" A mortifying possibility made my skin go cold. "Or _saw_ us?"

Cass cringed. "No. No, she couldn't have. God, I hope she didn't. Not that I—" She sat up straighter and turned toward me, fumbling. "Not that I regret it. There are just some things..."

"I know," I assured her. "I'm just happy she approves of me, I guess?" I gave her an uncertain smile. As if our situation weren't complicated enough, now we had an eight-year-old trying to set us up.

"Oh, she approves of you," Cass told me. Her mouth softened and she smiled. "Probably more than she approves of me most of the time."

"Well, I'm not her mom," I said. "I have none of the responsibility, just the fun." There was a twinge in my heart, though, when I said it. Not her mom. I'd never thought about having kids (it just wasn't feasible given the way my life was going) but Annalee wasn't like any kid I'd ever pictured. I meant what I said about having all the fun parts without the hard parts, but would the hard parts be worth it if the kid was like Annalee?

If the kid _was_ Annalee?

I shook my head, appalled at myself. Where had that daydream come from? How stupid could I be? I shut the warm, fulfilling emotions that came with it way down deep inside me, along with my hopes for a normal life these days.

**Chapter Fourteen **

_**Cass**_

I knew full well that when Annalee got an idea into her head, that was all I'd be hearing about for days (or weeks or even months sometimes). It happened frequently with books and movies she liked or stories she was writing. And right now, her intense focus was aimed right at me and Nan.

I suppose I should count my blessings that at least she'd never gone all _Parent Trap_ on Holly and me. But I had enough to worry about right now...especially considering what was coming up this weekend.

It was Thursday, and Nan had surely noticed how skittish I'd been all day. But when Annalee came home in a morose, sulky mood, I knew Nan deserved an explanation.

While Annalee was out playing in the yard around the lighthouse and we were cooking dinner, I broke the news to her.

"You're probably wondering why we're so gloomy today," I said. Nan stopped chopping potatoes and turned to give me her full attention. "Tomorrow, Holly's weekend with Annalee begins."

Nan opened her mouth and then slowly closed it again as understanding washed over her face. "Right when I first got here, she went to spend the night with some friends. That was really...?"

I grimaced. "That was Holly. I was stupid; I didn't want to tell you I'm divorced. It's...hard for me to talk about. I shouldn't have lied."

Nan chewed on her lip with worry and our eyes met. "With everything that's going on, do you think Holly will take it out on her?"

I shook my head. Holly wanted to hurt me but she'd never hurt our daughter to get at me. I didn't think she'd have any qualms about using her, though. "I'm sure Annalee will be safe," I said. "I'm just worried about what Holly might say to her."

The color drained from Nan's face and my heart hurt for her. I hated seeing that frightened look in her eyes. "What do you mean?" she asked, but she must've already guessed.

"She wants Annalee to come live with her. She's going to try to win her over." I shrugged helplessly. "Annalee's smart, so she won't be that easy to manipulate, but... Holly's her mother. Annalee might be mad at her right now, but she trusts her, and no matter how much I want to, I can't bring myself to tell her to keep her guard up."

"You're really admirable," Nan said. "Plenty of parents are happy to play one against the other."

I shrugged and focused back on the meal we were making, but I couldn't deny how good it made me feel to hear that. Nan gave me more heartfelt compliments than I'd heard in years.

She picked up her knife and started chopping up vegetables again. A little while later, in a small voice, she asked: "Do you think Holly will tell her what she knows about me?"

"I don't know," I replied. There wasn't much more I could say than that. I didn't know what it was Holly _could_ tell her.

If Holly was holding this information over our heads and would use it to get to Annalee, I really needed to know what it was. I promised Nan not to push, but at what point did her privacy become less important than knowing the full picture? I felt like I was balancing on an edge and I hated it.

I supposed, though, if Holly _did_ tell Annalee something...we'd find out about it the minute Annalee came home.

The next morning when we dropped Annalee off at school, I gave her a long hug. "Don't worry about how Mommy and I are getting along," I told her. "Just have fun, okay? I'm sorry we upset you."

"It's okay," she said with a sigh. A lump rose in my throat at the thought that, even at eight, she was already the kind of kid who forgave people for acting badly. Everything that happened between Holly and I had forced her to grow up too soon.

Annalee went over to Nan next and hugged her too. "Promise you won't do anything really fun while I'm gone?" she asked, but then she perked up as if remembering something. "No, wait! Do fun things! You and Mama should do fun things together!"

Nan laughed—slightly uncomfortably—and smoothed Annalee's black hair. "I promise we'll do fun things that only grownups would like," she said, and then her face rapidly turned bright pink. She shot me a panicked look but I had to bite my lips to keep from laughing.

"Like watching boring movies, of course," I said. "And drinking coffee."

"And sitting together at the window doing nothing but looking at the view," Nan added.

Annalee made a face. "Well, I guess if you _like_ that, good." She hugged Nan again and then came over to give me a kiss, and then she waved as she went into the school building. I stood up, exhaling.

"Holly will pick her up after school?" Nan asked, and I nodded.

"And she'll bring her home Sunday night after dinner," I said. "So, we've got three days to ourselves." I paused and looked over at Nan. The sun was bright this morning and it shone on her dark gold curls like there were rays caught in them.

She'd looked anxious these past few days, but it didn't dim her beauty. It didn't surprise me at all that she'd been an actress. Her face was made for people to admire. Her skin was creamy and smooth, not prone to dryness like mine, and her mouth was small with soft, plump lips.

I made a bold move: I put my arm around her, even here where there were other people. Nan let out her breath and leaned into me.

"I have a feeling this is going to be a really stressful weekend," she murmured.

"Let's try to make the best of it," I replied. "Annalee was right. We should try to have some fun." I willed my face into being innocent even though I couldn't help but think of the kind of "fun" Nan made that verbal slip about. "Maybe we could watch some movies, like I said. Make some popcorn. I can show you around the shore below the lighthouse, if it wouldn't freak you out too much to go back there where we found you."

"I definitely like the idea of movies and popcorn," Nan replied. "I'll think about the beach down there." She shot me a sidelong smile.

For most of Friday, Nan came with me and helped out while I did my usual weekly maintenance of the lighthouse and grounds. We stocked up on groceries for the next week, cooked a big batch of chili for dinner, and spent the evening drinking coffee and reading on the sofa.

It was quiet and comfortable. I worried about Annalee and what Holly was telling her, and I know Nan felt the same creeping anxiety. But we could sit side by side and get lost in books while the stars came out over the Atlantic ocean, and that was a comfort.

Since Nan didn't have any of her own books, she perused our shelves while I made the coffee. There was a series by one author in particular that she kept pulling out.

"You have a lot of romance novels for such a tough, standoffish lady," she told me teasingly.

"You're pigeonholing me," I replied with a chuckle. "I'm sure _you_ didn't like being typecast, if it ever happened to you."

"Oh, god, did it ever!" Nan rolled her eyes and took the first volume of that series to the couch. "I was the innocent little girl at first, always named Jenny or Suzie or something, _unless_ I was an innocent little girl who was actually possessed by demons."

I gave a surprised laugh. "Seriously?"

"Oh, yes, the best way to make a horror movie scarier is to have a possessed little girl!" Nan informed me. "As if it hasn't been done a thousand times before. And then for a while I was the spiteful ex-girlfriend. I think I did at least three movies and a handful of TV shows with roles like that. Once I really got famous, though, I often played the 'driven professional' type. I was a doctor a few times, lawyers, business executives... And one time I played a police officer." She paused and shrugged her eyebrows thoughtfully. "That one was fun."

"You're making me want to watch some of the stuff you were in," I said. Nan balked and I offered an apologetic smile. "Would that be weird?"

"Well, I..." Nan put her hand in her hair and looked away shyly. "It _would_ feel weird, honestly. It shouldn't, because of course there are tons of people I know who've seen my acting. I should be used to it. But with you..."

Her eyes flicked over to me and I wasn't sure how to read the emotion in their green-gray depths. There was the shame again, and I was angry at myself to have caused it, but there was also a bashful sort of admiration.

"I guess I want to impress you," she said softly, "and I haven't felt great lately about any of my work."

"I'm sure it's phenomenal," I told her quickly, and I was rewarded with a blush coloring her cheeks—not the flustered or embarrassed kind, but the pleased kind. "Anyway," I went on to take the attention off her, "that's a really good series. I enjoy lots of well-written romances, but especially lesbian ones. That one's about a police officer and an addiction counselor. It's really great."

I was dismayed to see Nan's shoulders stiffen. She pushed the book back onto the shelf.

"How about one that's a little more...escapist? A fantasy or something?" She swallowed and rubbed one arm with her other hand.

"Sure, yeah, I've got a couple of those. Try the one with the blue spine on the second shelf to your right." She'd said she liked her role as a police officer, so I thought she might enjoy that series, but I guess it wasn't up her alley.

Once we chose our books and sat down, the rest of the night was soft and even blissful. I forgot for a little while about my fear, and this even felt...domestic.

I couldn't help but wonder what it would've been like if Nan grew up in Cape Summer. Would we have clicked the way we did now? With her mysterious allure gone, would I find her as captivating? I knew I would. She was stunning and kind, and her personality was sparkling.

If I'd met her before Holly, would everything about our world be different?

On Saturday, Nan agreed to go down to the shore below the lighthouse with me.

"I kind of want to give that part of the bay the middle finger, you know?" she joked as we walked down the cement cliffside path. "Specifically whatever rocks nailed my boat." Then she paused and put her mouth to one side. "Of course, if they _hadn't_, I never would've met you... So maybe I should be thanking them."

I felt my cheeks begin to warm. She was that glad to have gone through something traumatic just to meet me?

"I just wish you hadn't had to nearly die so we could meet," I said, glancing at her with a little smile. "But I guess I'm grateful to those rocks too." Nan watched me, and her lips curved sweetly. When she looked at me like that, calling her a "knockout" was almost literal.

We walked along the shore for a while, from one side of the causeway around the bottom beneath the lighthouse to the other side and back again. We picked up a few pretty shells and pieces of sea glass that we thought Annalee would like, and then we made our way back home.

It was another quiet, relaxing day, and I found myself yearning for more days like this. If I could just forget about everything that complicated all this—Nan's secrets, her worrying cageyness, Holly's selfish meddling and threats—then maybe we could be happy together. The kisses we shared proved how compatible we were.

They were _such_ good kisses, too. I daydreamed about them, and I wasn't the daydreaming type. Daydreams about Nan's soft lips were better than worrying about what my ex-wife was telling my daughter at this exact moment.

After dinner that night, I got out our air popper and plugged it in. "How about that movies-and-popcorn idea we talked about?" I asked. "I have a good recipe for cinnamon-sugar popcorn as well as the usual butter kind."

"That sounds fantastic," Nan said. She went over to the television and picked up the remote. "Want me to look and see what's on Netflix?" Then with a pointed frown she added, "Nothing that I'm in."

I laughed. "You've already made that clear. Yeah, pick whatever you want."

"You like romances, right?" Nan pursed her lips impishly as she scrolled through movies. "Okay, I got one. I'll help with the popcorn."

We made three varieties of popcorn (butter, cinnamon sugar, and chili lime) and then settled down on the couch. The movie Nan had picked was one I'd seen and didn't mind re-watching a hundred times.

It was everything I loved about romances: an atmospheric setting on a windswept Scottish moor, a beautiful score, and a compelling story about a dashing but lonely shepherd and the lost hiker she rescues and falls for.

In fact, now that I thought about it, it really _did_ resemble what had happened with me and Nan.

"Uncanny, right?" she asked when I told her I'd always liked this movie.

"Yeah," I replied. "Though I never imagined I'd be watching it with someone I reenacted the plot with."

Nan giggled and curled her legs up beside her on the couch. She looked like she'd be much more comfortable leaning against something...or at least that's the excuse I told myself when I slid closer. She only hesitated for a brief moment before settling in at my side.

With the popcorn bowls resting in our laps, we watched the story unfold. My body warmed with each passing scene, and now my heart started to pound. Nan had watched it before too, so she must've known we were coming up on a very steamy moment between the two women protagonists.

My mouth was dry and little swirls were beginning to grow in my stomach when the scene began. The shepherd and the hiker were having an argument in the barn: the hiker had left recklessly to go on a trail the shepherd warned her against, and she almost died. The shepherd was frightened and lashed out, and now they were shouting at each other.

In a matter of moments, the hiker grabbed the shepherd and whirled her around, shoving her into a wall with a passionate kiss. I found this so erotic and intensely romantic, and tonight I was very aware of Nan sitting beside me.

The kissing between the two women onscreen quickly turned into a literal roll in the hay. It was done so well, with such artful shots of the women's legs twining together and their thighs touching, their hands and lips on each other's skin, that I didn't even think of the fact that the hay must be pokey and uncomfortable. I just saw two beautiful women making love.

My heart thudded noisily in my ears, and if I'd thought about it, I would've been horribly embarrassed to realize how much this scene turned me on. I was caught up in it, though, so when Nan touched my hand, I jumped and tore my gaze away so I could look at her.

Nan wasn't watching the movie; she was watching me.

Her beautiful eyes were hooded and dark. Some instinctive part of me recognized the way she was breathing, the way her body moved in a slightly more graceful and insistent way. She lifted her hand slowly, gently, not demanding like the women in the movie.

Dimly, I appreciated that, but the hunger inside me wasn't looking for slow or gentle. I caught her hand with my own and leaned in to capture her mouth.

My hands found her hips and I pulled her closer, onto my lap again the way we'd been a few days ago. Now there were no excuses or distractions. The desire rose in me like a field of flowers blooming.

Nan cupped my face in both hands, running her thumbs over my jawline and her fingertips through the hair behind my ears. She cherished me with her kisses, first on my lips and then down along my neck to my shoulder. My breath came in desperate gasps.

This time it was my hands that went under her shirt first. The skin at her waist was softer than feathers. I spread my hands across her back and she murmured with pleasure.

Then, with one more deep kiss, she lifted herself back for a moment.

"Is this all right?" she asked raggedly. Her lips were red from our kisses. "Before, you said..."

I dragged my fingers across her shoulders and she met my mouth again with a wispy sigh of delight. "I want it," I murmured to her. Nan hummed high in her throat, pleased, and she wrapped her arms around my neck. I splayed my hands over her rear and lifted her, and the rock of her hips made my breath hitch.

I couldn't pick her up from where I was, but she must've read my mind, because she stepped back off my lap and took my hands to pull me to my feet.

"Let's go to the cottage," she said as our lips met again. This time I had no qualms whatsoever.

We pushed the door open into the cottage and I could immediately recognize her scent. Somehow, it was all around the place, a delicate and light smell of flowery body wash, one that reminded me of summer fields and sunny skies.

I didn't take much time to think about the scent or look around, though. Every part of my body was zoomed in on Nan like a camera lens filming a stunning model. Her cheeks were flushed and warm as I kissed them, and when I moved my lips to the space below her ear, her breath on my shoulder made shivers of delight cascade over my skin.

I needed to see her undressed. We moved toward the bedroom and I worked my thumbs under the waistband of her pants, and at the same time she slid her hands up beneath my shirt and expertly unclasped my bra.

The memory of her body that first day, when I had to undress her to keep her from going into hypothermia, blazed bright in my mind. It was like having a tiny taste of the best chocolate cake but knowing you could never have any more and you shouldn't have stolen a bite anyway. Now, though, to my surprise, I was getting what I wanted.

Clearly Nan wanted it too. She was breathing hard and just hearing that made me feel intoxicated. With one foot she nudged her bedroom door open and she started to shimmy my shirt up my stomach.

"Wow, look at those abs," Nan said with a breathy laugh. I felt my ears turn red. She ran her hands over my stomach and then up, up, pushing my bra out of the way. When her palms closed over my breasts, exquisite arousal took hold of me until I trembled. I caught her mouth with my own and fumbled for the button of her pants.

When I tugged them down, her underwear came off with them, and even now she was so ready. I slid my hand between her legs but she gently took my wrist.

"I'm not going to let the fun be over this soon," she whispered. I moaned a little but she covered my lips with a kiss. "You're not even naked yet. You got a peek once, but I never have."

Nan swept my shirt up and over my head and then slowly slid the straps of my bra down my arms. She sighed and smiled with delight at what she saw, and I felt a kind of warm pride that I'd never known before.

"Mm, even better than I imagined," Nan said and looked up to meet my eyes. There was a mischievous glint in hers. "I'm honestly surprised you're not keeling over from embarrassment right now, to tell you the truth."

"Oh," I said and my face flushed even more as if her saying that suddenly reminded me to be. "Well, now that you've pointed it out, I might!"

"Not that I'm complaining!" Nan grinned at me. "I find it absolutely adorable."

"Adorable isn't what I want to be right now," I told her. I closed my eyes and kissed her again, and then traced a line with my tongue from her jaw down to her collarbone.

"Don't worry, you're smoking hot too," she said. I picked her up and lifted her onto the bed, relishing the feel of her bare ass in my hands. She lay flat on her back and shimmied her pants off her ankles, then pulled me down on top of her.

"It's been so long," I breathed into her stomach while I worked her shirt off. I hadn't had sex since before Holly and I broke up, and even then we hadn't been intimate in a while. The anticipation of feeling that pleasure and release with Nan made my need grow all the more intense.

"I'll take care of you," Nan said. She ran her hands through my hair and drew my face up to hers for another passionate kiss.

That declaration undid me. I pulled off her shirt completely and straddled her hips. Her bra was pink and delicate, and the clasp was in the front beneath a tiny bow. I undid it and when the cups fell away, her round breasts bounced gently.

I gave in to my immediate impulse and bent down to kiss one. Nan murmured a high sound of pleasure and arched her back. When I took her nipple into my mouth, her murmur turned into an cry. She flattened her fingers across the back of my head to pull me more firmly against her.

Soon her breath was coming in short gasps and her hips rocked beneath me, but when I tried to put my fingers where her legs met, she held my hand away again.

"I told you," she said huskily, "the more we wait..."

"I can't wait," I replied. Already my center was throbbing, so ready for release that my entire middle was a mass of eager, impatient butterflies.

"Sure you can," Nan said. She flipped me over and rose above me, her hair falling around her shoulders like waves of wheat in the sunlight. Her lips met mine and then she kissed her way down to my breasts, where she let her tongue tease me until I groaned.

"Please," I begged. "I feel like I might explode if you don't..."

Nan giggled. "That's what I want, beautiful," she told me.

I gripped her shoulders and pressed her down, hoping she'd understand since I was pretty sure I'd just lost the ability to construct a coherent sentence. She moved over me, down to my hips, and then I knew she had because her mouth touched me and white lights popped behind my eyelids.

She wanted me to wait, but I couldn't hold on any longer. I came like I was hit by a freight train. The orgasm was so sudden and powerful that a shocked, elated cry burst from me and I balled the sheets tight in my fists. The pleasure rocked through me for what felt like minutes before my trembling muscles loosened and I sank back against the pillows.

Through the haze of afterglow, I felt Nan pull my thigh between her legs. Her ragged breathing brought me out and I drew her face to mine so I could kiss her. Then and only then did she let me spread her with my fingers and dip inside her.

Her nails dug into my arms as she held on, mirroring my motion with her hips. My fingers slid in and out, fast and firm, and she bent her head for one last moment before throwing it back with a long moan of ecstasy.

Afterwards, she lay on my chest with her head tucked beneath my chin. I loved the way her body fit next to mine. It was surreal, being together like this. From the moment I saw her, Nan enchanted and intrigued me. How could she not? A beautiful woman washing ashore for me to rescue, dogged by a mysterious past? I always thought my life would be quiet and simple, and now, everything was upside down and I didn't even hate it.

I always felt like I'd have to be dragged backwards into any change that happened in my life. Right now, peacefully curled up with Nan, I would welcome a change that would make it so my life could always be like this.

If only it were that easy.

**Chapter Fifteen **

_**Nan**_

The bed in Cass's cottage was pretty damn comfortable on its own, but I never expected to have _this_ much fun in it. I should've suspected that beneath Cass's restrained manner, she was desperate to let loose the kind of passion she loved so much in her romance novels and movies.

I fantasized about it, of course. But our kisses were one thing, and after Cass put the kibosh on anything more, I figured fantasies would be all I'd get.

I'd never been so happy to be wrong.

I lay with my stomach pressed up to her back, my fingers tracing up and down her hips. She had such a lovely silhouette: her curves were gentle and firm, her body long and lithe. There was really nothing about her looks that I could find fault with, and that was pretty rare for me in the past several years. Cass was a breath of fresh air, and so was the strength of my feelings for her.

When I felt her chest rise and fall with a deep sigh, I moved my hand up to caress her shoulder.

"Mm," I agreed with a contented smile. "I haven't felt this relaxed since... God, I don't know when."

Cass rolled over. Her brows were drawn together and my stomach dipped a little. There was a conflicted look in her cloud-silver eyes. I shifted back so I could see her better.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

She lowered her chin. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be putting this on you."

"Putting what?" I propped my head up on my hand, and then I hooded my eyes and smiled. "I liked _everything_ you put on me tonight."

That won a little chuckle from her, but it was a weak one. "I mean that you don't need to hear all my stupid worries. Especially right now. How unromantic, right?"

"If not me, then who?" I asked. "I'm here, and I'm willing to listen. I always am."

She smiled at me then with such gratitude that it made my heart squeeze. Had it been that long since she had someone to talk to? Had it been that long since _I_ had someone who was willing to let me in?

The squeeze in my chest turned into a sharp stab of guilt. She was willing to tell me her worries, something I knew must be hard for her, and I still couldn't stomach returning that trust.

"It's not that I regret this," Cass told me. She moved onto her side so we were facing each other fully and she smoothed her thumb over my cheek. "Except..."

"That sounds like you do regret it," I said, but I didn't feel offended. I just wanted to know what was on her mind.

"I..." Cass shook her head. "I just feel like I'm being two-faced. I denied you the other night and then as soon as Annalee was gone for the weekend, I dove right in. So it's as if I made you stop before for no reason."

I couldn't help laughing, and she frowned over at me in a way that just made her even more endearing. "Good god, you've got morals that would make Superman look like a degenerate."

"I do not," Cass objected.

"You do." I smiled impishly at her. "Stop trying to deny it. You, Cass, are a genuinely good person in a world full of assholes."

Her cheeks colored and a warm glow of fondness suffused me. How could a woman so strong and sexy also be so damn cute?

"Anyway, you're not being two-faced, and I'm not offended," I told her and kissed her on the nose. She looked vaguely sulky, so I kissed her on the lips too.

She sighed out and sank against me, and our kiss began to flame again. I pulled her on top of me and let myself disappear into the worship of her body.

As Sunday night drew nearer, the feeling of tension in the lighthouse rose. Soon Annalee would be home and we'd find out just what Holly had been telling her all weekend.

I spent the afternoon feeling positively sick to my stomach with worry. I could tell that Cass was nervous too; she tried to act like everything was normal, probably for my benefit, but she had to be just as on-edge since she had no idea what she might find out about me.

Based on how suspiciously I'd been acting for weeks, I didn't even want to think about what she might be guessing.

At around seven o'clock, we heard the crunch of wheels in the gravel driveway. I was struck with the sudden desire to find a closet to hide in so I could avoid confronting Holly, but when Annalee ran up the stairs and came into the house, she was alone. I heard her calling goodbye to Holly on her way in.

"I told Mommy not to come in with me," Annalee informed us. "She was in a snit so I thought you might fight." _Snit_ was a word Annalee had recently learned from a book and she took every opportunity to use it. I found it especially endearing today.

Cass chose not to ask why Holly was in said snit. She knelt down and gave her daughter a big hug.

"Did you have a nice weekend, love?" she asked.

Annalee gave a noncommittal shrug. "It was fine. We had ice cream twice!"

"What kind?" I asked when Annalee came over to me for another hug.

"Peanut butter cup yesterday and strawberry cheesecake today," she replied.

"Wow, those are some gourmet ice cream flavors." I straightened out her bangs with my fingers.

"Those are normal!" she told me with an expression like I'd said I'd never even heard of ice cream. "Where are you from, anyway?"

I froze for a moment. It was sort of a rhetorical question, a common response to finding out that someone doesn't know about a thing you think is obvious. But I'd never actually told her, had I?

"California," I said. She opened her mouth wide.

"They don't have good flavors out there?! I thought everything was fancy in California!"

I laughed. "Well, a lot of things are fancy, but plenty is pretty average too. It's probably just that my personal ice cream experience is lacking."

"We _have_ to get you strawberry cheesecake ice cream," Annalee declared.

"I'll put it on our list," I said. My nerves were still in high alert mode, though, and I crouched down to Annalee's level. I shot a quick glance at Cass, and she nodded softly, giving me approval to ask about this weekend. "Annalee, I'm sorry if this is a weird thing to ask, but did your mommy say anything to you about me while you were with her?"

My heart thumped so loud that I could feel it in my ears as Annalee considered this. Her face scrunched up a little with disapproval.

"She said some things but I didn't believe any of them!"

"Like what?" I asked faintly. I sat down on the floor in front of Annalee. She looked both angry and uncomfortable, and she didn't meet my eyes. "I'm sorry," I said again. "I wouldn't normally ask you to tell me things someone said when I wasn't around, but this is important."

"I don't know what she meant. I didn't really get it," she said, rubbing the toe of her sneaker at a spot on the kitchen's tiled floor. "But she said you went somewhere they put bad people. You're _not_ bad, though, so I told her I didn't believe it!" Annalee finally looked up at me, beseeching.

"Thank you, honey," I said. My heart was in my throat. Holly must've been talking about rehab, and it made my stomach burn with outrage that she'd label people as "bad" who were trying so hard to recover. I'd thought that about myself countless times, but that was one thing. It was completely different to hear someone say it to a child...especially one I cared about, one who I wanted to think well of me.

I glanced over at Cass, who was frowning with worry and clearly trying to figure out what Holly actually told her. I didn't dare to think about what conclusions she was drawing.

"Did she say anything else?" I asked.

"Well, she always goes on and on about how much better it'd be if I lived with her instead," Annalee said the words in an exhausted drone like she'd heard them ad nauseum. Then she rolled her eyes. "I wish she wouldn't. I like it here. But she says Mama doesn't have a good..." She frowned, trying to make sense of how she heard the word. "Judge man?"

"Judgment," Cass said, resigned.

"Mommy said that's why you're here," Annalee told me. She paused and sucked in her lip, like she was torn between saying something she knew might hurt me and following my request to tell her. "She acted like you're scary. But you're not! You're nice!"

I patted Annalee's shoulders. "It's okay. I'd rather have you think I'm nice than a hundred other people."

"I do," Annalee said again, more quietly this time.

"Okay, I think maybe we need a second dessert tonight," I told her and then looked up at Cass.

"Let's bake cookies," she said, and Annalee went over and attached herself to Cass's side. "Any kind you want," Cass told her.

"Peanut butter with chocolate chips and M&Ms?"

Cass laughed. "My favorite combination."

Annalee bounced back pretty well from our awkward conversation, but I wasn't so lucky. I should've been relieved that Annalee didn't understand any specifics and so couldn't tell Cass anything I wasn't ready to reveal. All I could feel, though, was fear about what Holly's next move might be and what horrible things Cass's imagination might be conjuring about my past.

_At least when I do manage to tell her,_ I thought, _whatever she thought it was will be way worse than the truth._ _Right?_ It was cold comfort, and I couldn't be sure I believed that would be the case anyway.

After Annalee went to bed, all I wanted to do was escape to the cottage to avoid Cass's inevitable questions. I owed her more than that, though, even if I couldn't explain everything to her yet.

I helped her clean up the kitchen. The smell of freshly baked cookies helped comfort me a little, but there was an electricity in the air now and I felt like I might jump out of my skin at the slightest noise.

"It looks like maybe Annalee is too young to understand very much of whatever Holly told her," Cass said, finally breaking the seal of the conversation.

I answered with a vague "Mmm," but couldn't find any other words. Cass dropped a floury paper towel into the trash and stepped nearer to get my attention. I met her eyes with hesitation. I couldn't help bracing myself even though I wanted to trust that she would never hurt me.

"When she said Holly told her you went 'somewhere they put bad people...'" It clearly pained her to talk about this too, but she pushed herself to do it. I was scared to hear what would come next, but at the same time, I had to admire her will and integrity. As usual, she was doing what she thought was right at the cost of her own comfort.

"I don't like the way she said 'bad people,'" I muttered.

Cass looked miserable. "Nan, were you ever...incarcerated?"

I flapped my arms at my sides. "Jesus Christ, Cass. No, I didn't go to jail," I told her, exasperated. _Not that it couldn't have happened,_ my conscience reminded me. Many more charges of drug possession and even a famous white actress couldn't get out of it.

"Sorry," Cass told me with a wince. I sighed.

"No, don't be," I said in a dull voice. "It's a logical conclusion."

"Don't you..." Cass crossed the space between us hesitantly. She twisted her fingers together. "Don't you think it's really time to _tell_ me? I would rather hear it from you than hear it twisted by someone else."

A few seconds ago, I'd almost had the same thought. It would be so much easier if there wasn't this secret between us. Surely, after all we had together, Cass would be sympathetic.

But when the opportunity faced me, there was nothing in my brain but panic. I couldn't know how she would react, and the truth was that Cass's integrity might be my downfall. There was still so much shame and self-loathing in me about what my life had become before rehab, and it was easy to imagine that she'd choose to keep her daughter safe from that life over whatever we had together.

Cass must've seen the about-to-flee look on my face, because she leaned back from me a little, though she didn't walk away. The way she stood changed so that she didn't present any sort of threatening impression. I hugged myself and stared at the ceiling.

"It's past time," I said. I tried to will my voice into becoming steadier, but it was a lost cause. "But I can't yet. I just don't want... I need more time."

I didn't want to look at her, to see frustration or anger or disgust in her eyes. She had every right to feel all of those things, since I was living in her home and taking advantage of her noble nature and still I refused to come clean about why I'd run away from my life.

I couldn't justify keeping it a secret as "none of anyone's business" any longer. Holly was holding it over our heads and Cass deserved to know what she was up against.

But even approaching the idea of telling her made me feel dizzy and nauseated and on the edge of tipping into complete panic. I felt that way when I looked at the sea after almost drowning, and Cass helped me through it...

But she couldn't help me through this.

"I probably ate too many cookies," I laughed weakly. "I'm feeling kind of gross, so I'm going to just head to bed. Thanks for...this weekend." I cringed, hating myself. A simple thank you didn't even begin to cover it. I couldn't believe I was about to run away like things were the same between us as the last time we had this discussion. "See you tomorrow."

"Okay," Cass replied quietly.

I gave her an incredibly awkward wave and scurried to the door. Moments later, in the privacy of the cottage, I flopped face-down on the bed Cass and I had shared last night.

I was hopeless. Hopeless! Just when things were starting to feel good, when I was beginning to forget for a while about everything looming over me, I spoiled it.

This safe, peaceful, romantic fantasy wasn't going to last forever. And I just kept speeding it toward its end like I was out in that sailboat again with no regard for the storm heading straight at me.

**Chapter Sixteen **

_**Cass**_

"Mama, can we go out for dinner?" Annalee hung on my arm when we picked her up from school a few days later. "I'm craving a BLT!" "Craving" was another word Annalee had picked up recently. She never passed up an opportunity to add to her vocabulary.

"We were planning on making lasagna tonight," I told her, but she tugged on me and made a pleading face. "But we could make BLTs instead."

Annalee whined in exasperation. "No, not just any BLT! I mean the ones at the tavern!"

I lifted my eyebrows at her. She meant the Third Fiddler Tavern, one of the local restaurants up on the hill that overlooked the harbor. They _did_ have a legendary BLT, and she did really like them, but I'd never known her to be quite this insistent on eating one.

"Well, I suppose we can change our plans." I looked over at Nan, who shrugged and smiled. Annalee had her wrapped around her little finger, so there would be no resistance there.

Annalee gave a whoop of joy and hopped up into the truck. We went back to the lighthouse to take care of a few things and then later that evening, we headed back into town.

The Third Fiddler Tavern was a homey place. An older gay couple owned it and lived in the apartment above. A wooden sign hung on a post outside the door with a carving of three gold-painted violins.

A leather strap of jingle bells tinkled when we went through the door. It was dimly lit inside, just enough to comfortably talk to your companions and see your food, and on each table sat an oil lamp with a lit wick. The walls were exposed wood tinted with blonde stain and all of the woodwork was smooth but rustic. The tables and bar were made from slabs of heavily lacquered wood with the bark still on two edges.

We went here often enough to know the owners, Bert and Carlos, in spite of my reputation of never leaving the lighthouse. Bert had lived in Cape Summer all his life and worked as a fisherman until he retired; now he mixed the drinks at the bar. He was boisterous and told the best stories to anybody who would listen (they were usually held captive for at least an hour on those occasions). Carlos was the cook and it was his BLT that was famous. His creations were so good that the locals were actually possessive of the place, but luckily for business plenty of tourists flocked here. Carlos was born in Colombia and moved up here from Boston when I was still a teenager.

They'd been together for ages and everyone knew it and loved them; it was one of the reasons I felt comfortable enough to come out when Holly and I got together.

We found a nice booth by a window and ordered our meals, with a basket of onion rings to share. Nan was particularly impressed with the onion rings; apparently other parts of the country made them differently, with a puffy sort of batter rather than our crispy, flaky goodness. Annalee convinced her to try the BLT too.

While we were waiting for our food, Annalee hopped up from her seat.

"Can I go to the bar and watch Bert mix drinks?" she asked. "I think he's making some of the kind with different colors!"

"Sure," I told her amiably, and when she scampered off, I glanced over at Nan.

The way the soft glow from the lamp played across her face took my breath away, and when she smiled, refreshing air filled my lungs again. No matter how I looked at her, she was exquisite and nothing could make me unable to see that.

"How have you felt about coming into town lately?" I asked her in a quiet voice, but I immediately regretted it, even though I meant it as a sincere question. Our last conversation on this topic hadn't gone well and she'd probably think I was prodding at her to tell me about her past.

When she dropped her eyes and sat back in her seat, taking her hands off the table where they'd been casually folded together, I knew she did.

"Actually, let's just talk about something else," I said quickly. "You said you came up here with your grandparents when you were little, right?"

"A couple of times, yeah," she said with an appreciative smile. "My grandparents used to take me on vacation whenever my schedule allowed for it."

"Your schedule?" I echoed. "Oh, that's right, you were acting even at that age, weren't you?"

Nan nodded. "Yeah. My grandmother was a big advocate for me having a normal childhood, though," she said. "At least, as normal as it could ever be. For a little while every summer, she'd take me on vacation somewhere. I was making enough to spare some for trips so they didn't have to shell out money every time."

"That's great. Do you remember where you used to stay up here?"

This time she shook her head. "Not really. It was by a lake. There were raspberries if we came later in the summer."

I laughed. "So what you're saying is that you mostly remember the food."

"Yeah, of course! Ice cream cones, french fries... The food, and the swimming." She'd been chuckling too but now her smile deflated. "Now I honestly don't know if I'll ever swim again. I can walk by the ocean now with only minor heebie-jeebies, but actually going in? I could only stomach it last time because..." Her eyes flickered up at me again and there was a sweet hesitation in them.

My heart gave a little jump. "Because?"

"Because you were with me."

I loved seeing that look, that smile. When Nan gave me this sort of attention, I felt like a teenager whose crush suddenly revealed they felt the same way.

"Maybe we could go try again some time," I said. "I know you're brave enough."

That made her face light up, and an answering glow came to life inside me. Before I could say anything else, though, our server came and set our two plates down in front of us.

I turned to look up at him. "Did you take my daughter's to the—"

Behind the server, though, Bert was standing with his fiddle. I blinked at him as the server responded that yes, he had, and went back to the kitchen. Bert stationed himself in the corner nearest to us and started to play.

My mouth hung open. I'd never once seen either him or Carlos play their fiddles for diners at the tavern. Did they do it on a particular night of the week? I couldn't remember if we'd ever been here on a Wednesday before, but we went here often enough that I figured we probably had.

They played at all sorts of events in town with another fiddler, a woman, who made up their trio. Those were all rollicking, toe-tapping songs, though, and this one was slow and winsome. Bert played it beautifully, but it wasn't the sort of music I'd come to expect from him at all.

Then I noticed that there were only a couple of other tables with people at them, and they were all near the other side of the room. I frowned a little in confusion and Nan lifted her eyebrows at me.

"This tavern is more upscale than I expected," she joked, but I just looked past her to the bar. She turned around and followed my gaze.

Annalee sat there on a stool, giggling and watching us over her shoulder. When she saw me looking she whirled back around, and then she leaned over the bar to give Carlos a high-five.

Nan's eyes met mine. I shook my head slowly as the realization dawned.

Annalee wasn't just trying to get Nan and I to spend more time together. She was actively trying to hook us up, _and_ she was getting other people involved.

Nan bit her lip and shrugged at me as if she wasn't sure whether to laugh or freak out. On my end, I'm sure my face was a new variety of crimson. Would people suspect how intimate we'd become? Would this set Holly off if word got to her? And how could word _not_ get to her? Bert and Carlos were the kindest old busybodies in Cape Summer and couldn't keep a secret like this to save their lives.

People talked about me enough as the weird, unfriendly, reclusive lighthouse keeper. Now they'd have even more to gossip about.

Annalee came skipping over to us with her plate a few minutes later. She sat down next to me like nothing had happened and smiled up at Bert while he played his fiddle.

I leaned down to her and hissed, "What are you doing?" All she did, much to my irritation, was shush me and look significantly at Bert, as if I were incredibly rude to talk during his performance. I glared and we ate the rest of our dinners in silence until Bert finished up and gave a little bow to the room in general.

Afterwards, we went out to the truck, and the moment I got in I turned to Annalee.

"_What was that?_" I demanded. My daughter looked up at me innocently.

"I thought it would be nice!" she said. "Did you know Bert and Carlos both play the fiddle?"

"Of course I do, and so do you. We see them at the fair every year. You asked Bert to play for us, didn't you?"

Annalee shrugged. "He was playing for the whole room, of course! Not just you guys." Then she sent a sly grin my way. "It was romantic, though, right?"

I groaned. "Annalee, you can't just..."

"Bert wanted to!" she told me. "He thinks it's sweet!"

I dropped my face into my hands. "This isn't anybody's business but ours, honey."

"It's mine, too, don'cha think?" Annalee folded her arms over her chest, metaphorically digging her little heels in for a battle. I pressed my lips together. She was sort of right.

I glanced over at Nan, who was sitting in the passenger seat. She had a faraway look in her eyes, and I couldn't guess what she was thinking. She likely had the same concerns as me—that people would start talking, and the more attention she got, the more likely someone would recognize her as Nancie Kellers.

Even though I was flustered, I couldn't deny it, though. Annalee was right.

It _had_ been romantic.

**Chapter Seventeen **

_**Nan**_

When that sweet old guy started playing the fiddle for us, Cass looked like she was about to faint—and I honestly couldn't tell whether she'd be collapsing with embarrassment or swooning with the romance of it.

She clearly hated being the center of attention, but being treated to these grand gestures? In private, I could imagine she'd die for that. And I wanted to shower her with them.

_She acts tough, I thought, but here I am, seeing beneath that exterior. And I love it. _

I felt torn up inside. Once the idea was out there, I couldn't put it back: I wanted to be with Cass like two normal women might be. I wanted a quiet, soft life out here in Maine where I could spoil both Cass and Annalee with everything they could want. I just wanted a life free of any worry more dire than soccer moms being snarky to us about living in a lighthouse, and the drama of the pickup line at school.

But that fantasy didn't exactly matter right now. What I wanted _more_ was for these two people I cared about so much not to get splattered when my shit hit the fan.

Over the next couple of days, though, it seemed like neither Cass nor I would be able to avoid what Annalee started. The next thing happened at Miss Tandy's bakeshop.

We went in to pick up cookies and a special slice of Oreo cheesecake for Annalee, who had been working really hard on the play at school, _Alice in Wonderland_. Tandy started beaming with happiness the minute she saw us, and even though she was usually in a cheerful mood, this smile seemed to hold some kind of meaning. She bounced over to us as we waited at the register and folded her arms on top of the display case.

"Ladies! You're both looking cute this morning. What can I get you?"

Cass shot me a quick glance; I think she noticed the extra enthusiasm in Tandy's voice. "Can we please have a half-dozen frosted sugar cookies and a slice of Oreo cheesecake?"

"Oh, certainly!" Miss Tandy got out a box for our cookies and a little slice-shaped plastic container for the cheesecake. I perused the coffee menu written in chalk paint above the counter and tried to decide whether I wanted an iced Americano or something sugary.

When I looked back down, Miss Tandy was putting six chocolate-dipped strawberries into another box and passing it to Cass over the counter.

"Sorry, I didn't..." Cass blinked down at the box. "I didn't order this?" Miss Tandy wasn't one to mix up orders, so Cass was understandably surprised. But Tandy just smiled at her again, her bright blue eyes narrowing as her cheeks rounded. She pushed the box more firmly into Cass's hands.

"They're on the house, dear. These little beauties are perfect for a romantic night in, don't you think?"

Cass stared at her, uncomprehending. Then she looked over at me and her cheeks flushed pink.

I bit my lips to keep from laughing, either out of embarrassment or amusement. Probably both. Did Annalee tip her off the last time we were in here or something? I kept my eyes on the floor so that neither she or Cass could guess my reaction, but I sure as heck was blushing too.

"Well, that was weird," Cass muttered after we left the shop.

"Nobody in their right mind would say no to free chocolate-covered strawberries," I said with a shrug. I snuck a look at Cass; she was still flustered, and she ran her hand back through her short hair as the wind off the harbor ruffled it. She was just as sexy when she was embarrassed as she was when she was brave and in control. "Maybe there was a promotion today or something."

Cass made a skeptical sound. We walked back to where we parked the truck and continued on our way around town to do our errands, dropping our recycling off at the recycling center and checking Cass's post office box. At around one o'clock we stopped back downtown to grab some sandwiches at the café.

It had started to drizzle so we decided to eat our lunch there in the hopes that the weather would clear up while we were inside. I found a table after we ordered and Cass brought the tray with our sandwiches over.

We were just starting to eat when one of the café staff, a girl with curly black hair pulled back with a cloth headband, approached the table. I looked up to see what she wanted, and to my surprise, she reached past me and placed a mason jar with a pink rose in the center of the table.

Cass raised both eyebrows questioningly. I glanced at another table and saw that she'd set another rose in a jar there too.

"Excuse me," she said amiably. "I just thought we could spruce up the place with a little more romance!" Then she actually winked at me and walked off to collect another pair of roses and set them out on tables.

I turned my eyes to Cass. She definitely looked suspicious now, although I had to say that these sudden roses were a little easier to explain away than Miss Tandy's strawberries had been.

"The more picturesque a café is, the more business it'll bring, right?" I offered. Cass growled softly in response.

"That's being generous," she said. "I know I'm paranoid, but still."

"What," I chuckled with an edge of sarcasm. "You think Annalee's recruited the whole town?" Cass responded with nothing more than a flat, knowing look, and my smile dropped. "Are you serious?"

"She's got a will of iron, that kid," Cass said. "_And_ everybody loves her."

I chewed my lip as anxiety started to squirm inside me. People in town seemed to like me too, but I did not need this kind of attention. It could help Cass now for people to see her getting close to someone, since that might make the gossips back off about Annalee's sociability. But if they found out what I'd been through in my life, the terrible decisions I'd made, chances were not many of them would be sympathetic.

And that would make things for Cass and Annalee way, way worse.

"All right, just one more stop," Cass sighed after we got into the truck again. We drove up the hill to the hardware store where we were planning to pick up a replacement for the 3/8 inch socket I accidentally dropped down an open floor grate when I was trying to help Cass up in the lantern room (whoops).

She held the door open for me and we went inside. "Well, I can't see there being anything romantic in here," she grumbled. "I think we're safe."

I thought so too, and we found our replacement socket without trouble and went up to pay for it. When we approached the counter, though, the guy at the register lit up when he saw us.

"Hey, did you find everything you needed? Just a socket set, huh?"

"Yeah..." Cass replied. Her voice held a bit of a question. What else did he expect us to buy?

"All right, all right. You two just remind me of my wife and I when we were picking out paint for our first house, is all!" He shrugged his eyebrows at us with an encouraging smile.

Cass responded with a disgusted noise. I paid for the set and awkwardly returned the guy's smile, and as we left, I couldn't help ribbing Cass.

"Serves you right, anyway," I laughed under my breath. "What kind of lesbian thinks a hardware store isn't a place for romance?"

"Plenty," she retorted. "And I bet you've been one of them up until now."

"A baseless assumption," I said blithely, but my words struck my own ears hard. How could Cass help assuming anything when I refused to talk about my own life? I cringed at the idea of telling her how many women I'd hooked up with when the kind of romance she wanted was far from my mind.

Cass glanced over at me, and her eyes clouded with concern. "All this attention must be really freaking you out. I'm sorry."

I shrugged. Sure, I was scared that this would give people a reason to snoop into my past. But the hardest thing right now was that I wished I could give in and let all this silly matchmaking work its magic on us.

And I couldn't. I wasn't the leading lady in some romantic comedy anymore. My life was a mess, and it was all I could do to protect Cass from that.

"It'll blow over," I said.

Cass put her mouth to one side. "You _have_ met my daughter, right?"

That made me laugh. "She has more connections than I would've expected for an eight-year-old."

"Oh, it's not just her," Cass told me. "Although I wouldn't put it past her. But word gets around fast when a certain couple of old busybodies get involved."

"_Oh,_" I said, catching on. "Those two guys at the tavern? Bert and Carlos, right?"

She nodded. "I love them—they'd do anything for anybody in the whole town—but they can't keep a secret to save their lives."

"I hope Holly never goes in there," I replied, trying to joke, but it fell flat.

"She doesn't," Cass said grimly. "She's one person they _wouldn't_ help out. They knew what happened when we broke up."

I looked over at her, but she was clenching her jaw as if she regretted what she'd said. What _had_ happened to make Cass and Holly split? It sounded like something more than just conflicting personalities and wanting different things out of life.

But I had no intention of asking. I didn't deserve that answer.

Over the next few days I noticed that, more than once, Cass brought up something I'd said the other night at dinner. When I told her I didn't know if I'd ever swim again, it really seemed to bother her—at least on my behalf. She was subtle about it, because I'm sure she didn't want to be pushy, but it was actually really cute that she wanted me to be comfortable with her beloved sea again.

Early one morning before we dropped Annalee off at school, Cass handed me my customary coffee with a thoughtful smile.

"The temperature's supposed to go way up today," she said. "And Annalee will be at school for an extra hour while they work on the school play. How do you feel about stopping by the beach? I thought..." She leaned beside me against the counter and her smile turned a little shy. My heart cartwheeled to see that look. "I thought we could pick up a bathing suit for you and maybe I could help ease you back into swimming a little bit. If you want," she added quickly.

I couldn't help but smile at how considerate she was. "I think I'd like that," I replied. "As long as you're there to administer rescue breathing in the event it's needed." I shot her a sly, teasing look and to my delight, she turned a little pink and looked down at the floor.

"We went sort of to knee-height last time," she continued. "I think it might help for you to get a little bit wetter." My grin got even bigger and she groaned and covered her face with both hands. "I'm going to stop talking now before my daughter comes down and asks what's so funny."

I giggled and went to get Annalee's cereal bowl out of the cupboard. "No, I like this idea," I said. "I think it'll be good for me." As long as I could squash the skitter of fear that rose in my stomach, I amended to myself. It would be easier with Cass there, but I just didn't know what kind of feelings would hit me when the water closed around my body like that.

I shivered and shrugged the thought off. This was why I needed to get over it.

We packed Annalee's lunch and Cass put on a swimsuit beneath her clothes (which I admit I was dying with curiosity to see on her) and drove to the school. After we dropped her off, we stopped at a clothing store so I could find a bathing suit.

Normally, in this sort of situation, I would've just tried a couple on and decided which one fit and looked best on my own. But just as much as I wanted to see Cass in a bathing suit, I wanted her to see me in one too. Sparks lit inside me when I thought about what her face might look like.

Since this was a small shop, there wasn't a huge variety to choose from...but I think I found the perfect one. It was a two-piece suit with green and blue melding colors, and the whole thing was covered in the golden outlines of scales.

When I stepped out of the dressing room, I got exactly the reaction I wanted. Cass had been looking through a rack of shirts and she had one in her hand, and when she looked up, she dropped it right on the floor like in every classic "pretty girl walks by in a bathing suit" scene. Her lips opened and her eyes got a little wider, but at the same time, their gray color darkened. Seconds later she was red from her neck to her hairline.

I posed for her in celebration of nailing my entrance. I'd done plenty of magazine spreads in my time, most of them several years ago now, and I tossed my hair like I'd learned to do. Cass swallowed and bit her lip.

"This is the one, then," I declared with a grin. She laughed self-consciously and rubbed the back of her neck.

"Mermaid," she managed to say. "I knew it all along."

I paid for the suit and then put it on again under my clothes. We drove to the beach and when we got out into the parking lot, the sun was absolutely baking—strange for early fall, but perfect for our purposes. When I said as much, Cass just smiled.

"If you stay here very long, you'll learn that there's no such thing as 'strange' weather. The temperature bounces around like a ping-pong ball this time of year. There's a saying that if you don't like the weather, just wait ten minutes. It'll be different."

I pulled off my shirt and tossed it on top of my bag. If I stayed here, I echoed to myself. What I wouldn't give to be able to do that. It was so tempting to give in and just live day-to-day. There hadn't been any consequences yet, not really. What was stopping me from only thinking about the here and now?

Never considering the future was what got me into this mess to begin with, so I should've learned my lesson...but since when had I ever done that?

I was caught up in these thoughts when I saw Cass start to unbutton her shirt, and then, if I'd been holding anything, I would've dropped it too.

I'd seen her abs before. I'd seen a lot more than that. But in her black, two-piece sports swimsuit, her lean muscles were put on display like a photograph from the Olympics. Her suit had two red stripes that ran around the top's racer back and down the side seams, and the boy shorts had matching stripes that traced her hips.

When we were in bed together, I explored every slope and curve of her. It was so good that I was sure I'd memorized each inch of her skin. But now I really understood why some people said that clothes can be sexier than nakedness.

Unlike me, Cass didn't flaunt it. When she saw me staring, she averted her eyes stretched her arms above her head, then let them fall and locked them behind her back. Her shy little smile showed me how pleased she was. She cleared her throat.

"There aren't many people here at this time of day, so we'll have some privacy," she said. "It's almost high tide. That means the water should be warmer since the sand beneath has been sitting in the sun all morning."

"Nice," I said, still unable to take my eyes off her. With a cough, Cass picked up my bag for me and walked by toward the beach. I admired her stunning ass for a moment and followed.

"I was thinking that if we go out a little deeper," Cass said, "like maybe a little over waist-level, you could try floating. Nothing serious, just taking your feet off the bottom. I'd hold on to you. What do you think?"

"I think..." I swallowed down a surge of nerves. "I think I'd consider it."

"That's a good start."

As we walked across the thin strip of sand above the high tide line, I gazed out into the gently rolling waves. The horizon was hidden by a misty bank of haze. Far beyond where the waves lapped the sand were dark rocks with slowly heaving masses of seaweed around them. Just seeing them made me shudder and retreat a few steps. Cass looked back at me.

I shook my arms as if that would get the willies off me.

"Are you okay?" Cass asked, turning around.

"Yeah," I said quickly. "Totally." Then I wrinkled my nose and gestured at the water. "I just came through a lot of seaweed when I was trying to get to shore and it was so gross. I can't stand the thought of it."

"With the tide this far in," Cass told me, "we won't have to worry about the big rafts of it. There might be some little pieces floating around, but they'll just brush against you as they float by. They won't wrap around you or anything. Is that all right?"

I nodded. "I'll try, anyway," I said.

Cass smiled encouragingly. "I'll be right here."

I don't think she knew just how comforting that was. I walked at her side to the edge of the water and let the bubbly waves wash over my toes. It _was_ warmer than usual (which, granted, wasn't all that warm, but I'd take it).

Cass held out her hand to me, and as I took it, warmth and a quiet sort of strength spread through my body. Like most of the traditionally romantic things Cass and I did, holding hands wasn't something I was used to in relationships. I hadn't "dated" anyone for so many years. And you didn't hold hands and be all lovey-dovey with your fuckbuddies, right? Well, I didn't, anyway.

But when I held Cass's hand, I felt like I was valued. Like this was some sweet love story I never thought I wanted.

I did, though. I wanted it.

Cass kept hold of my hand while we sloshed carefully through the waves. A few times, little scraps of sea plants _did_ touch my legs, and although I jumped a couple of times, they didn't make me run screaming for the shore. I considered that a pretty big victory.

Even though the water got substantially colder as we went out past knee-depth, I was determined to keep going. I'd go at least to boob-level, I decided, so that I'd be able to pick my legs up and float like Cass suggested. A wave rolled in and engulfed my thighs, and I gasped sharply and stood up on my tiptoes.

"_Jesus,_" I ground out between my teeth. "That first wave on your ladybits is a killer."

Cass snorted a laugh. "I'll say. I'm lucky my legs are longer than yours; you gave me a good warning." She eased herself into the next wave and made a cringing sound, and I started laughing too.

"Okay, I know I brought it up, but please stop making me think about your parts," I said with a saucy eyebrow-waggle. "I'll drag you back out of the water and we won't get anywhere with this 'learn to love the ocean again' thing."

She looked down into the water, watching her feet as we walked, and her smile was pleased now instead of shy. I wanted to kiss her right here for that.

We went slow and steady until we were waist deep, and at that point a sudden trembling shook me and I halted. I'd been fine, but something about being halfway underwater made memories hit me of being battered by waves and clawing for air. Cass's hand tightened on mine.

"Still okay?" she asked, and I nodded, but I slid nearer to her and clung to her arm. She pulled me close and steadied me with her other hand on my shoulder.

"Oh, yes, sure," I laughed weakly. "Just imagining myself being dragged out to sea and smashed against rocks. Or drowned by an undertow. Or eaten by a shark. No big deal."

"I won't let any of those things happen," Cass said to me with a sincere smile. She dipped her head down so she could catch my eyes. "I'm like a lighthouse, remember? Solid rock."

Such overwhelming feelings threatened to fill me up then. That declaration made me want to cry, to melt, to throw myself into her arms and tell her every secret I had. I had never, even once in my life, felt like this about a woman.

Cass seemed to read this on my face, because her eyes narrowed with concern. There was something else there, too: like she recognized how unique this connection between us was.

She turned and slipped both of her hands into the water to hold my waist. "This is far enough for now," she said softly. "If you can, maybe you should lower yourself into the water just a bit. It's easy to stand up here whenever you want, and I'll be holding onto you. Getting your arms wet before we go any farther might ease you into it."

I breathed in and out slowly. "Okay." I looked up at her and tried to give a joking smile. "You know I'm only doing all this because I like you so much, right?"

Cass's eyebrows went up and she opened her mouth in surprise. "That's really all? I'm pressuring you into this? Nan, if that's the case—"

I blew out a little laugh. "I'm kidding, Cass! Of course I want to get over this. But I also want to..." I felt awkward all of a sudden, and I looked away with a shrug, still smiling. "I know you love the ocean. It's your passion, like it's part of you. I don't want to run away from that." I met her eyes again, all joking gone. "Like I run away from everything else."

Cass drew her breath in with understanding; she knew how much that meant even before my own words sunk in for me.

"Nan, I..." She swallowed. "I don't want you to run away either. I don't want you to leave. I want you to feel like you can...trust me."

I couldn't help it. I stiffened under her hands at even an oblique mention of telling her about my battle with addiction. Cass shook her head quickly.

"No, I don't want to ruin this right now. We can talk about it later, when you're comfortable. Let's just be here now, all right?"

I nodded. "Nothing like a dunk in cold water to distract you from an awkward conversation, right?" I said with a cringing smile. Cass chuckled. "Okay," I went on. "I'm doing it. I'm going in. Don't let go."

"I won't."

I held my breath even though I didn't need to. The chill water swallowed my elbows first and rather than draw out the tension, I quickly went down the rest of the way until the slowly rolling waves were just below my shoulders. My hands clung to Cass's arms like vices.

The water wasn't rough at all here, but even the slightest pull made my heart fly into my throat. I kept my feet planted firmly in the sand and tried not to think about the little bits of sea flora brushing against me.

"I'm right here," Cass said. She was down in the water with me, her hands holding my hips, sturdy and strong. I tried to let myself move with the waves so it wouldn't be so scary when they pushed me around. After a moment, I deliberately untensed my muscles. It was a bit of a struggle, but once I did, my body felt lighter, easier.

I could do it because Cass was with me. I knew she'd never let me go.

"How's that?" Cass asked. I lifted my eyes to hers. The clear, sunny sky reflected in the water and it made her eyes look a bluish silver. Her voice was so soft I could barely hear it, so gentle. Though most of the time she fumbled and blushed when we were together, sometimes she could say and do exactly what I needed.

"Not as bad as I thought it would be," I replied with a shaky half smile. Was it my fear of the water or my feelings for Cass that made my heart beat so quickly?

"Do you want to float on your back?"

I shook my head. "And not be able to see what's below me? No way. I might be able to just float in a cannonball-type position, though."

"We should go out farther, then," Cass said. "If you try that here you'll get sand all up in your butt, and I'm sure you don't want that." She grinned.

"Nope, not a sensation I've ever enjoyed," I replied, laughing as I stood up straight and let the sun start to dry my shoulders. "I had far too much grit and seaweed and shit all over me when I almost drowned. That's not a part of the ocean I want to get familiar with again."

Cass snickered. "Even _I_ don't love that, which is saying something." Together we moved through the water, my arm still hooked tightly around Cass's. The swishing and pulling of the waves around my stomach weren't so terrifying when I held onto someone as rock-solid as she was.

Soon we were standing with the water up just below my armpits, and I paused to look down at the way the bright sun sparkled off the gold scales on my bathing suit. I really did look like a mermaid, minus the tail anyway. When I looked back up at Cass, she'd been admiring the same thing with a dreamy expression in her eyes. Her face read "smitten," and my heart swelled like a balloon to think I could do that to her.

"Looks like this is the perfect depth," I said and gave a teasing bob so my boobs bounced. Color flooded Cass's cheeks and she looked down at her own feet, smiling.

"Couldn't be better," she said. "Now, if you want, we can try floating a little. I'll keep hold of you, don't worry. Maybe I should hold you from behind?"

I chewed on my lip. I felt a lot more comfortable when I could see her, but it would be easier—and mean more skin-to-skin contact—if she wrapped her arms around me and let me curl my legs up to my chest.

"Okay," I said, trying to smile through the nervousness. My mind kept filling with images of waves hitting me in the face, getting into my mouth and lungs, and the feeling of being unable to move any way other than where the sea was pushing me.

Cass moved around behind me, careful to never let go, and then she slipped her arms under mine and wrapped them snugly around my ribs. "Okay," I said again, and I took a few deep breaths to psych myself up. "Okay. Here goes."

I leaned back against Cass and she took my weight. I spread my arms out like I was treading water and lifted my feet from the sand.

And that was when I lost it.

With no bottom beneath me, all I could feel was the water pulling and yanking at my feet with each swell. A few pieces of seaweed hit my toes then, probably nothing more than little puffs, but to me they felt like grasping hands. Even though I knew the sand was no more than two feet below me, in my mind, it was a thousand leagues down.

Even though the sun was shining bright, beating down on us, I couldn't see it. Every splashing wave felt like the pounding of rain. Water in my ears sounded like the crash of thunder. I gasped in and choked on salt water as I flailed my legs to get back on stable sand.

With one swift motion, Cass scooped me up and held me, bridal style, in her arms. She pushed quickly through the water while I clung to her, and when we were waist deep again, she set me down with the gentlest care.

I couldn't unlock my arms from around her neck. She held me tight and I instinctively found the bottom with my feet, and even though that gave me a rush of relief, I still had tremors running through my whole body.

"It's okay," Cass was saying into my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have pushed you. Let's go back to the beach."

"No," I croaked. "I don't want to run away from this." I hid my face in her chest, my heart a frantic drumbeat inside me.

"We don't have to go back out," she said, almost pleading. It touched me more deeply than anything had for a long time that she was so worried and so insistent that I not force myself. I let my arms relax a little but I didn't pull back.

"No, but we should stay here just a little bit longer," I told her softly. Only then did I pull back, still holding onto her shoulders, and looked up into her face.

Her gray eyes were narrow with distress. I'd never seen that look on her face in relation to any of her own troubles, only mine. My pulse was still galloping, but now the fear began to turn into a hotter desire inside me.

I moved my hands from her shoulders to her face. My fingers were cold, still wet from the water, and her skin was warm beneath them. Cass bent toward me at the same moment as I stretched up, and our mouths met in a swell of passion.

Once again, I wrapped my arms around her neck. She held me tighter, though she hadn't relaxed her arms much at all after carrying me to safety. I tasted the salt on my lips and instead of it choking me, it suddenly felt like a reminder of our kiss that I'd keep in my memory forever.

_This is how I want to remember the ocean, I realized. Cass's lips, her arms protecting me. This is how I'll love the sea again. _

She breathed against me and placed kisses on my forehead and cheeks and neck. I hugged her and opened my eyes to see the blue sky bright and cloudless over head. The ocean swayed us. I kissed her again and our mouths were hot together, grounding me in reality.

Cass's chest rose and fell ardently and I kissed her once more before loosening my grip.

"I think that was a good step," I decided. Cass's usual self-consciousness apparently caught up with her then, because she looked toward the beach to see if anyone was watching. Just like before, though, we were the only ones here.

She leaned her forehead against mine. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I hope this hasn't set you back."

"What did I just tell you?" I asked with a smile. "This was a good step." I looked into her eyes, eyes that softened with relief. Standing here in her arms, still tasting the salt that had been on her lips, I could maybe even enjoy the gently rocking waves. "It was a bigger step than you know."

**Chapter Eighteen **

_**Cass**_

No matter how much Nan insisted it was okay, I still felt ripped up with guilt that my plan to help her swim again ended up being so upsetting. In spite of all the uncertainty between us, one thing was sure: I wanted to hold her and kiss her until that fear faded away.

It was just before noon when we got back to the lighthouse after leaving the beach. We were both sandy and salt-covered, and I offered Nan the first shower...which she accepted, but she took my hand and pulled me after her up the stairs.

"I noticed you have a _really_ nice, big shower," she said with an impish smile. "Sparkling clean tiles, great water pressure, luxury showerhead..."

I swallowed. "Yeah, we got it redone last year." Low in my stomach, heat began to spread. Was she really suggesting what I thought she was suggesting? After the way she kissed me in the water, I wasn't at all opposed to the idea, but I also hadn't exactly done this sort of thing outside of bed before. Holly had been very traditional like that.

Nan would laugh when I told her, I knew, so in order to save my dignity I planned on not telling her at all. But after we got into the bathroom and she peeled off her bathing suit, I watched hesitantly as she turned on the shower. The spray of the hot water made a calming backdrop of white noise, but I felt nervousness mix with the insistent desire growing inside me.

Nan looked back at me, drawing her warm golden hair over her shoulder to expose her back. Her skin was smooth and pink. She saw that I was still in my bathing suit and raised an eyebrow.

"Is this okay?" she asked, and her smile of anticipation faltered. I shook my head, but then realized I was doing it and changed it to a nod.

"Yes, of— of course. I just..." My gazed moved over to the shower. The hot water was already steaming up the mirror over the sink. Just thinking about what we could do in there made my heart thump and my mouth go dry, not to mention stirring other parts of me.

Nan bit her lip to stop herself from smiling. "What?"

"I guess I'll just..." I cleared my throat. "Follow your lead?"

She looked into the shower and back at me, and then put one hand over her mouth, hiding a giggle. "Let me guess. You've only ever done it in bed, missionary-style."

"I don't know if I'd call it _that_ when it's two women," I muttered. More heat crept up my neck and face, and now I was pretty much hot all over. I pulled my swimsuit top off and then rolled down the shorts.

Nan watched my every movement. Her eyes ate up the sight of my naked body like she was starving. Being under her gaze like that turned me on even more, and I longed to know what her fingers would feel like right now if they caressed me with the same attention that her eyes did.

I walked up to the shower curtain and slid it open, tilting my head to indicate that she should go in first. The whole floor of the bathroom was tiled and there was no sill to step over, so Nan went past me straight inside. She flicked a sultry look beneath her lashes as she did.

When the water hit my body, my skin was slippery with salt and sunscreen. Nan briefly rinsed her hair and then took down a bath sponge from a hook on the wall. She squeezed some bodywash into it and motioned for me to turn around.

As if my heart weren't pounding enough, my pulse rose even more when I turned away from her. There was something incredibly sexy about not being able to see what she was doing. The softly exfoliant surface of the sponge caressed my back, followed by a flood of bubbles whenever she squeezed it out. Her hands smoothed over me to rinse the soap off.

With every touch, my skin tingled with goosebumps. I longed to turn back to her and kiss her, to learn what her lips felt like with droplets of warm water running over them instead of the cold salt of the ocean. But she held me still with a hand on my waist and luxuriously washed my back, then my arms, then my rear end. I gave a startled little cry when she goosed me, and her giggles were as much a reward as her hands.

Finally, she turned me around and began running her sponge over my front. She regarded my nipples with a delighted quirk of her eyebrow, and I fought the urge to cover them with both hands.

"Don't be embarrassed," Nan said with a grin. "They're happy to see me, that's all."

"_Feel_ you, more like," I mumbled. "Now..." I grasped her wrist and gently pushed the sponge away. "If you're so amused by my nipples, maybe you should pay some more attention to them."

Nan responded with a pleased smirk. "You're so impatient," she said, but she pressed her palm against my breast and began to tease it in massaging circles. I moaned softly; I didn't even need warming up at this point.

Nan's fingers found my nipples and rolled them, gentle at first and then harder. She leaned against me and stretched up to meet my lips, and I captured her mouth with powerful kisses. My senses were filled with her. The rush of the water in my ears and her glorious hands made me feel like we were in a little pocket of time where no one could disturb us.

Readiness flamed in me in time with my heartbeat. I wanted her like I'd never wanted anyone before. I was overwhelmed by her in the best way possible, consumed by my feelings, happy to surrender. I'd never wanted to surrender before.

With one last caress of her thumbs over my nipples, Nan lowered herself onto her knees. I looked down at her, amazed.

Nan just smiled slyly back at me. "You're going to like this," she said.

"I'm sure," I replied in a quaver. A new anticipation added fuel to my fire, and I wondered distantly if I should find something in the shower to hold onto.

It was a good thing I had strong thighs and calves, because when Nan spread my legs, I might as well have melted into an astonished puddle. Nan took pity on me, I think, and my lack of willpower, because it took no more than a moment of her mouth's attention for me to come.

The orgasm was rocketing, a unique, flowing cascade of pleasure like none I'd ever felt before. My knees finally gave way then and I slid down the wall to sit on the floor, and without missing a beat Nan straddled my lap and began kissing me again.

My breath came in gasps and I lifted her up so I could kiss her neck and shoulder. The hot water sluicing over us was almost as delicious as her skin. She thrust her hand between her legs and I kissed her mouth so deeply that she cried out against me. Nan rocked on my lap and I dug my fingers into her back until she collapsed into my chest with a moaning laugh.

"I did," I said eventually while the water poured on us and the steam billowed.

"Did what?" Nan asked fondly. She lifted her head to look at me.

"Like that." I smiled and she laughed again and took hold of my face to kiss it.

We still had a couple of hours before we needed to pick Annalee up from rehearsal, so I made some sandwiches for lunch and we sat down together on the sofa to eat.

"I can't tell you how much it means to me that you brought me out to the beach," Nan told me as she sipped a can of soda.

"Oh, that I traumatized you?" I replied, wincing. "Sure thing, any time."

She laughed. "I'm serious. I've been really worried that this wasn't something I could get over. That I'd be running from the fear forever. I think..." She met my eyes. Once again, I was struck by the blue-green color of hers, so much like the sea I loved. "I think you helped me take a big step toward that."

My heart rose into my throat. It was times like this, when she said such sincere, open things, that I felt like I could do anything for her. Like I _would._

"I always want to do things like that for you," I told her. Then, I gathered my courage and risked ruining our safe, comfortable mood. "No matter what's happened to you, where you've been in your life, what you've done, you're special to me. I'll always help you however I can."

Nan watched me, her face growing wary. Her shoulders stiffened just a little bit, and I saw her start to withdraw. But then she clenched her jaw and drew in a shaky breath. Her eyes never left mine.

"When you're an actress," she began, "people expect your life to be perfect. You always show the world the best face: flawless makeup, styled hair, spotless clothes. On your social media and at interviews, you're always happy and fulfilled. And if you can't be that..." Nan shook her head. "Well, you just _have_ to be. And nobody can know if you aren't."

I shifted closer to her. I wanted to take her hand, but at the same time, I also didn't want to push. She smiled weakly.

"For a long time, I was crippled by depression. I was so anxious I felt like I could barely function, but I _made_ myself. And I made a lot of bad decisions in the hopes that it would fix things."

Her voice died and she halted for a moment. There was a struggle going on inside her, I could see it as easily as if she'd said out loud "I don't know if I can do this." I stayed quiet and watched her patiently. All I could do was give her my entire attention.

"I fucked up," she said simply. "Things got better, eventually, but now I'm hiding from that part of my life. I'm not proud of it...but I honestly think I can move on with my life without making such terrible choices again. I worked so, _so_ hard for that chance."

I nodded slowly. What she said was purposely vague...but did details actually matter? The point was that Nan was telling me how she _felt,_ and the severity of the troubles she'd been through. I was curious, of course, but this was a far larger step than I really anticipated.

She looked at me with those large, beautiful eyes, trepidation and hope mingling in them. She didn't know how I'd react, and I wanted nothing more than to assure her that I wasn't about to condemn her.

"I'm so sorry you went through that," I told her softly. "It sounds unbelievably hard. I get blinders on, sometimes, in our little world of Cape Summer, and I never think about how small our challenges are here in comparison to those outside." I paused, and then I slipped my hand over hers and curled my fingers around it. She didn't pull away. "Thank you for telling me."

Nan smiled wanly. "You deserve more."

"No," I said, "_you_ deserve someone who won't corner you into tearing open all of your old wounds."

Her smile crumbled, but not because I'd said something wrong. She looked like nobody had said such kind words to her in longer than she could remember. Her eyes were teary when she squeezed my hand back.

"You said I'm a mermaid but I think _you're_ the magical creature," she told me. "Before we met, I never believed that someone like you might exist."

Now the spotlight had turned on me, and I rubbed the back of my neck and ducked my head with a smile. "I'm just—"

"Doing what any decent person would do?" Nan guessed. "No. You're wrong, and I'm not letting this one go. You're a real treasure, Cass. I can't believe Holly didn't realize it and treated you the way she did."

"I've hated her for it," I said. "But I've never been so glad she's gone." If we could just get Holly to stay out of our lives, I thought, Nan and I might be able to have a real future together.

**Chapter Nineteen **

_**Nan**_

"One final touch!" I stood in front of Annalee, who was perched on a stool in the kitchen. Tonight was the night of the school play, and I'd never seen her so excited. She could barely keep still.

Cass and I had made Annalee's Cheshire Cat costume together. Cass was utterly hopeless when it came to crafts of any sort, even though this costume was pretty easy. It was a pair of purple footy pajamas with some felt stripes hot-glued on, a cat-ear headband, and a big white grin made out of poster-board and mounted on a small dowel so Annalee could hold it over her mouth.

I was just finishing up her makeup. I braided her black hair back and painted dark purple stripes on her cheeks, and now I was drawing freckles and whiskers with eyeliner.

"Want some eyeliner on your eyes, too?" I asked.

Annalee nodded eagerly and I pulled the pencil back just in time to avoid giving her a seriously crooked whisker. Then I located a higher-quality eyeliner pencil from our hoard of makeup and carefully drew big cats-eye wings.

Nearby in the kitchen, Cass was just taking a can of frosting out of the cupboard. She baked a cake as an after-play celebration treat and it had cooled enough to decorate with the vanilla and rainbow-sprinkle frosting that Annalee loved.

"I don't even just have one scene," Annalee told me for probably the thirteenth time that hour. "I have _two!_"

"That's awesome, honey!" I straightened her cat ears and then started to put away the makeup. "Your mama and I need to get dressed now, and then we'll be off like a dirty shirt!"

She laughed and scrambled down from the stool. "You have such funny sayings!"

"You learn all kinds of cool stuff when you're an actress," I said, chucking her under the chin. "Right?"

"Yeah!" Annalee grinned at me. She was so proud of herself right now.

Cass and I got ready quickly. It was the first time I'd really dressed up since I got here, and the first time I'd seen Cass spiffed up too. She looked jaw-droppingly hot in her pressed black pants and casual blazer with the sleeves pushed up. Her red v-neck shirt underneath was like a shot to my heart (and a bit south of there too, to be honest).

She seemed to like my look as well, which I found pretty gratifying. I wore a flowery, empire-waist dress with a light sweater shrug. When I came back into the lighthouse from the cottage, Cass was in the middle of talking to Annalee; her mouth just dropped open and her words trailed off when she saw me. Annalee followed her gaze to me and she grinned triumphantly.

I smiled too, and my eyes slid to Cass. We shared a lingering, warm look. I wished so much right then that she'd come over, kiss me, and offer me her arm. But we weren't a couple of carefree women dating, and we weren't being particularly open around Annalee even though she obviously knew we had feelings for each other.

Could I dare to hope that someday, we _would_ be carefree?

At the school, we dropped off Annalee with the theater teacher and went to find our seats. The gymnasium was decorated in a Wonderland theme: buntings of big playing cards and paper clocks, crayon-drawn posters of teacups and mushrooms, and an impressively tall painting of a daisy. In front of the stage were rows of folding chairs, and Cass and I found seats near the middle aisle.

Other parents and teachers were there, and everyone who saw us waved like we were both just regular people in the community. I couldn't help it—I drank up that acceptance like a flower transplanted into a desert would soak up water. Sitting there with all these Cape Summer folks, I felt a surreal moment wash over me, like I really was one of Annalee's parents.

The play was, without a doubt, utterly adorable. Maybe I was biased (okay, I definitely was) but I thought Annalee stole the show. The little girl who played Alice was cute and everything, but Annalee shone the moment she stepped onstage in her purple pajamas and with her big paper grin. The crazy Cheshire Cat voice she did was hilarious and the audience was clearly loving it.

The curtain closed to resounding cheers and applause, and moments later they opened again so the kids could take their bows. Then the kids and their theater teacher (plus a couple of parents who'd been helping backstage) all came out into the gym to mingle.

Annalee spotted us and dashed over, and Cass crouched down to catch her in her arms.

"You were amazing, love!" Cass told her. She sat back and looked Annalee over, and I could see the happiness and pride shining in her eyes. Annalee was a lucky kid, and so was her mom.

And so was I.

Annalee bounced over to me and gave me a hug around the waist. "Everybody loved my makeup!" she said. "I looked so cool!"

"You do look cool," I told her, "but it was _your_ acting that made you even cooler." I booped her nose and she giggled.

"Thanks!"

I was just about to see if we could give the theater teacher our congratulations when a voice rang out through the echoey gym.

"_Cassandra!_"

My skin crawled and my heart performed a complicated backflip. Cass swung around, a dangerous look in her eyes.

Holly was charging through the crowd at us from the school entrance. Instinctively, I moved to stand in front of Annalee.

"How dare you," Holly called. She had the most affronted expression on. "How _dare_ you not tell me the date of Annalee's play?!" Nearby teachers and parents looked over at us with slightly embarrassed curiosity. "You always keep me from taking part in important things in my daughter's life!" There couldn't have been any more drama in her performance if this had been a soap opera. She wore the role of "wounded estranged parent" well.

Annalee grabbed my hand with both of hers and clung to my side. I glanced down at her and she was glaring at Holly with a quivering lip.

"Holly," Cass said icily. "I told you at least three times when the play was. You assured me you wrote it down on your calendar." She didn't spare a glance for the audience of other parents we had now, but I could tell she was being purposefully clear. "I'm sure Annalee more than mentioned it. It's been all she's wanted to talk about for weeks."

"Mommy, I told you the last time we were on the phone!" Annalee put in. "You said you'd be here!" She'd been so pumped just a minute ago, and it hurt my heart to see her moment ruined like this.

"You must've told me the wrong date, baby," Holly said dismissively, still locking eyes with Cass.

The nearest teacher—who happened to be Ms. Hawdon, the one who cared so much about Annalee getting more "socialized"—came a little closer and held up her hands with a friendly smile.

"Hi, you're Holly's other mom, right? I'm so sorry you missed the play, but right now we're celebrating the kids. That's what's important tonight, right?"

"Are you saying my daughter isn't important to me?" Holly shot back. She pressed her hand to her chest with an insulted frown. "I'd do anything for her, and Cassandra is keeping me away from her!"

Ms. Hawdon glanced uncomfortably at another teacher I recognized as the play's director. Some of the parents were scooting away from the drama with averted eyes, and others perked up, probably hoping to overhear good gossip. That was all it took for Holly to seize her chance.

She barely paused for a breath before she destroyed everything.

"You let me into only a fraction of Annalee's life," Holly shouted at Cass, "but you're letting _her_ stay in the same house as our daughter? Don't you know who she _is?_"

For me, the floor dropped like a falling elevator, like the way my little sailboat had flipped without warning and dumped me into the freezing ocean. I moved my hands to find something to hold onto, but there was just Annalee, and she still clutched me, confused.

_My mind spiraled. Oh shit. Oh no. Oh shit. This is it. This is really it. The end. _

Dimly I saw the faces of the people around us turn to look at me, confused and curious. Holly's voice slid beneath my skin like the sharpest knives.

"She's Nancie Kellers!" When the entire crowd didn't gasp in shock, she spread her hand at me and looked around. "The actress? Come on, you've heard of her! She was all over entertainment news last year! She busted up hotel rooms when she was strung out, she stole, she manipulated people... You name it!"

Holly turned her eyes on me, and they burned a frightening blue. Something about those eyes made my lungs squeeze all their air out, and it wasn't only because she was about to tear down every beautiful thing about my life.

She didn't stop for a second. "She couldn't even make it through rehab! She escaped and vanished! I'm sure you heard about it!" For good measure, Holly looked at the people around us like she was a prosecutor talking to a jury. "She's probably just here to hide out until she can sucker enough money out of our town to run off and get high again!"

That was when people started talking again. There were probably people on the other side of the gym who hadn't heard her, but in my mind every single one of them was now murmuring about _me,_ staring at me with realization and disgust and fear. Any minute now, they'd be shouting. They'd go outside and get some rocks and literally stone me to death.

Someone was shouting, but it wasn't the adults. It was Annalee. She still had my hand but she'd stepped away from me now, ahead of me, and she was yelling at Holly.

"Mommy, stop! Nan doesn't steal! Stop hurting her! Stop being so mean and _awful!_ She never did anything to you!"

I could tell from her voice that she was about to cry, and it ripped me apart. Annalee clearly didn't understand the parts about my drug addiction and rehab, but she'd seized on the one thing she had heard of and was defending me fiercely.

What happened next was the last blow my heart needed to shatter it completely.

Cass put her hand on Annalee's shoulder and slowly pulled her away from me.

I stared at her, but she didn't look at me. She was watching Holly with a tight frown. My lungs felt like they were collapsing in on themselves and everything around me spun as the blood drained from my face.

_Run. Run. Run._ It was all I could think. I couldn't stand this. I had to get away. But looking around, seeing the teachers and parents whispering to each other and edging away, I knew there was no escape.

I looked back at Cass again, and she was watching me warily. Like I was dangerous.

I rocked on my feet, but there was no one to steady me.

Ms. Hawdon glanced back and forth between me and Cass. She had on a cautious, disapproving expression.

"This isn't the kind of socialization I meant."

Cass didn't respond. She put her hand on Annalee's head and said, "Let's go home and have cake."

They started to move past me, and I was utterly paralyzed with shock. I was afraid to follow. I couldn't go back with them, could I? I had nowhere to go now.

But Cass looked back at me and angled her head toward the door. I took my first wobbly step and trailed after them. People moved out of the way for us.

To say our ride home was tense would be like saying World War II was a minor scuffle. Annalee sat close to my side, leaning into me with her arms wrapped around one of mine. Cass and I were silent.

"I'm sorry my mommy was so mean," Annalee told me tearfully. I wanted to hug her, to comfort her, but I could barely let myself touch her for fear of how Cass would react.

"It's okay, honey," I responded, but my voice was weak and distant. I'd ruined the play for her along with everything else we had. She didn't deserve to be the one trying to make _me_ feel better now.

By the time we got home—to the _lighthouse_, I corrected myself, because it would never be my home now—Cass had somewhat recovered and talked to Annalee about how well she'd done in the play while we ate the cake. I made falsely cheerful comments when I could, but Annalee wasn't fooled. She watched me with worry whenever there was a lull in the conversation.

Even though it was utter bullshit, my mind kept cycling through a desperate hope. Cass said she'd give me a chance. She'd gotten to be so understanding these past few days, far more understanding than I expected. She even said it would be wrong to force me into talking about this before I was ready.

But now, Holly had been the one to force it. And when the secret came out, people always reacted the same. If someone found out about my addiction, or even that I was a recovering addict, they always turned on me. And who could blame them? The statistics on relapse were staggeringly against me. If I hadn't been through it, I might not have wanted me around kids either.

God, I didn't want to think that Cass might be having those same thoughts about me. It felt like a betrayal to assume that of her. But the way she looked at me in the gym was seared into my mind, and wasn't that a betrayal too?

It sure felt like it.

I felt like I was going to throw up, so I ate only the tiniest bit of cake, and that only for Annalee's sake. Before she went to bed, she hugged me hard.

"I don't believe any of those mean things Mommy said about you," she told me quietly. I couldn't stop myself from hugging her back. The terrible truth was that she _should've_ believed them. Some of them, anyway.

"Goodnight, sweetheart," I replied.

The round, open downstairs of the lighthouse felt like a gallows when Annalee went up to bed. Cass just watched me in silence, waiting. I sat down again at the kitchen table and she joined me.

The only thing I could do now was tell her everything. It might even be a relief, honestly. The dam had broken and there was no more hiding from it. If only I'd told her myself when I had the chance instead of letting Holly destroy me.

I tried to hold Cass's gaze but I couldn't. What a coward.

"I thought drugs were the only thing that could make me feel good enough to function," I began softly. "It was the only relief I had. And it _did_ help, for a while. But that didn't last."

Cass watched me with an expression that was somewhere between impassive and concerned. I closed my eyes and shook my head sadly.

"I got addicted so fast. And then, when I tried to stop, I felt even worse than I had before I started, which was pretty fucking bad. I did a lot of things to get what I wanted." I opened my eyes again and looked at Cass, and anger flared up in me. "Some of the things Holly said were lies. I never meant to manipulate anyone, but I probably did. It was hard to see it for what it really was." I looked away again and picked at my fingernail. "Maybe some of that could be called stealing."

Cass was still silent, and my stomach rolled. I tried to push through it.

"I didn't run away from rehab before finishing, though," I told her. "I started outpatient rehab pretty soon after things got bad, but then I relapsed. That was when it was at its worst. After that, my agent forced me to go to inpatient care. I finished that program, and then I tried to go back into acting...but that was useless. The media had a field day with it. The only people who'd hire me did it for the scandal value. So I came here to get away."

I gazed up at the ceiling, at the big cozy room around us. Outside, the moon was glowing bright in the sky over the sea. It was so perfect, like a dream.

And that's just what it had been. Only a dream.

"All I wanted was some time," I said. My voice choked and I covered my eyes to hide the tears. "Part of the reason all this happened in the first place was because it was so hard being scrutinized every second of every day. And then they _still_ wouldn't leave me alone, only every single thing they said was damning. I just wanted it to stop for a little while."

I hated sounding so pathetic. But then I heard the scrape of chair legs and Cass moved herself closer. To my complete shock, she put her arms around me. I fell against her chest and cried.

If only I could cling to her without worrying she'd pull away. If only I could believe she'd accept me fully. _If only, if only, if only._

When I sat back up, wiping my face, I raised my eyes to Cass's and felt dizzy again. She looked concerned, yes, but she also looked a little scared... Was she frightened for me, or for herself and Annalee?

"This is a really serious thing to run away from," Cass said finally. It was the first time she'd spoken.

"Yes, obviously," I replied with frustration. "Did you think I've been hiding all this time on a whim? Do you think I'd do this if I had any other choice?"

"Of course not," she said. "I'm just worried. Don't you need to be under care? In therapy or something? You've been gone so long..." She swallowed and met my eyes, but it looked like she was doing it with difficulty. She only paused for a second, but I felt like I was falling from a cliff and didn't know when I'd hit the ground. "What if you have another relapse?"

That was it. The sound of me hitting rock bottom.

Cass had no trust in me.

I'd laid my heart out in front of her, and now she knew everything that she'd waited so long to hear. I told her how horrible it had been and how I wanted nothing more than to put it all behind me. And now, within a mere few minutes of my confession, she'd decided that I would fail.

"I've worked too hard to let this ruin my life!" I told her, my voice trembling. "I'm not going to relapse again!"

Cass went a little pale but her cheeks quickly colored. "You can't know that! You need to be careful! You've already been under so much stress with trying to keep under the radar. Isn't too much stress what got you in trouble to begin with? You need help!" She took my hands but I wanted to pull them away. I just barely kept myself from doing it. "Nan, people are... They're going to think you're just here to meet people who don't know you and use them for drug money."

This time I did take my hands out of hers. My lungs were frozen. Those words hit me like the stones I'd imagined back at the school gym. "Is that what you believe?" I whispered.

"No, of course not!" Cass said, her eyes widening. She looked appalled. Didn't she have any idea how hurtful that was? I hoped so. "But people are judgmental. You know how fast word travels here. You have to be careful."

"Have I not been careful?" I demanded. My eyes filled with tears again and I wiped them with my palms. "I've been cripplingly careful since the minute I got here! I'm never _not_ careful!" I stared at Cass in disbelief, imploring her to understand. "You've seen how hard that's been!" My mind flashed back to the gym, to everyone's eyes on me and the mutters and hushed conversations they were having about me. "And now it's exactly the way I was scared it would be! You see why I didn't want anyone finding out?"

"But hiding it might have made things even worse." Cass hugged herself. It was a gesture I hadn't ever seen from her, one of insecurity. I was in too much pain to feel any sympathy.

"What do you think I should've done?" I asked with a bitter laugh. "When I woke up after you rescued me, should I have said 'Hi, I'm Nancie Kellers, a famous actress whose life fell apart, and I'm here to recuperate after my year-long stint as an inpatient at a drug rehab facility?'"

"I don't know," Cass said. She drew back from me. "I don't have any answers. All I know is that I'm scared for you."

I drew in a breath, trying to calm the storm of feelings inside me. My fingers were shaking from the effort. "Only me?" I asked, quietly challenging. "You're under enough fire from the teachers and Holly. My reputation reflects on you. Aren't you afraid for yourself and Annalee too?"

A silence stretched out. I searched her eyes, but I couldn't read anything there. Whatever she felt was locked up inside.

It didn't matter, though. No answer, in this situation, could only mean one thing.

Cass _was_ afraid for herself, for her daughter. Because of me.

She was afraid of me.

Without another word, I stood up and swung away from the table. This place had slowly become somewhere familiar, somewhere safe and comfortable. That wasn't something I ever expected to find here. I'd even started, for just a moment, to think it might feel like home.

No more.

I swung the door to the mudroom open and crossed it to the cottage. Inside, I numbly gathered up all of my things—my clothes, toiletries, purse, all of the trinkets and memories I'd gathered over the weeks—and I dropped them without order into my suitcase.

There were probably things I forgot. I didn't do one last sweep like I'd normally do at a hotel. It didn't matter.

Nobody was in the mudroom when I opened the door again. Probably Cass was still sitting in her chair in the kitchen. Who knew what she was thinking or feeling. That wasn't my business anymore.

I felt so far away all of a sudden, like this was someone else's life. Maybe it had been. The excruciating pain was as distant as a far-off bell, a clang from one of the harbor buoys that at first had disturbed my sleep but now just sounded like home.

With each step on the causeway from the lighthouse to the mainland, I listened for sounds from behind me. There were no footsteps, no voices.

Last time, when I ran away in fear and hurt, Annalee was waiting at my door to stop me. She was there to make Cass go after me. But Annalee was asleep tonight.

I should never have let her stop me the first time.

**Chapter Twenty **

_**Cass**_

I didn't sleep that night.

Not a single word I said had been the right thing. If there was anything I could trust myself to do, it was to fuck up a relationship.

I didn't even try to go to bed. I cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed out the refrigerator, stood by the window staring blindly out at the sea, paced circles around the living room, and finally walked down to the point beyond the lighthouse and stood on the grassy edge, watching the moon make glittering lines on the waves.

If only I'd had a little bit more time to think everything over, maybe I would've found a better way to tell Nan my fears. Cape Summer people liked nothing better than to gossip, even though many of them would give up their last dime to help a neighbor out. Half the town would know about Nan by morning, and then what would they be saying about me?

I ran my hands through my hair. It was selfish, yeah, but with Holly making noises about demanding more custody of Annalee, I couldn't afford to take any risks. I had to put my daughter first. Holly had me backed into a corner. I wish I could've blamed her for all of the suffering I felt now...but so much of it was my fault.

Below me, the ocean was black beneath the silvery shivers of light on the waves. I scanned it automatically for boats; everything was securely moored at this time of night. I imagined, though, the little white sailboat Nan had been in before she washed up on my beach. Where had she gone tonight? Was she safe?

I should've run after her, driven after her, but I wasn't thinking straight. I couldn't process what she said or what was happening. And then once she was gone...

I felt helpless. I'd never been a ditherer, never in my life, but tonight my thoughts were a maze, and no matter which way I turned them I felt like I was hitting dead ends. I didn't know whether to go search for Nan or leave her in peace for a bit...or for longer.

Or forever.

That hurt so much that I backed away from the thought like it burnt me.

I went back into the lighthouse and a few hours later, the sun rose. When the sound of Annalee's feet bumping down the stairs startled me out of my thoughts, my stomach gave an terrible lurch.

This was not going to be a fun conversation.

I got Annalee her breakfast without saying much. I didn't want her to see how upset I was. She ate her cereal while watching the door expectantly; Nan was usually around by this time.

"Is Nan up yet?" she said, forcing me to face what I'd been stalling on. I clenched my jaw and Annalee frowned at my silence. She could tell something was up.

"Honey," I started, then coughed softly to steady my voice. "Nan left last night."

Annalee stared at me with wide, uncomprehending eyes while she chewed her cereal. I just looked back at her and didn't say anything more.

"She _left?"_ Annalee finally echoed. "Like, for good?"

I shrugged awkwardly. I didn't want to think about the answer.

Annalee's mouth flattened and she set down her spoon. "It's because of what Mommy said, isn't it."

"I..." I dropped my gaze into my lap. "That's part of it, probably."

"I don't understand!" Annalee cried, pushing her chair back. "She left because her feelings got hurt when Mommy said mean things to her? I don't even know what they meant! She said Nan stole, and I know Nan would never do anything like that!"

Oh, Christ. What was I going to say? I couldn't keep this from my daughter. She wasn't old enough to understand the complexity of addiction, but there had to be a way I could explain this to her so she had some idea about how serious the situation was.

I held out my arms and Annalee came over to me. Her face was scrunched up with frustrated confusion. I lifted her and sat her down on my thigh.

"Nan was sick for a long time before we met her," I said. Annalee listened intently. "She took drugs that hurt her, because she thought they would make her feel better again. But they didn't. The kind of drugs she took made her become addicted to them. Do you know what that word means?"

Annalee's eyebrows drew together. "No..."

"Addicted means you really, _really_ want something that's bad for you, because that thing is making your body need it. It's usually because it makes you feel better at first, but then it makes you sick if you don't get to have it. So to feel better again, people will do a lot of things they wouldn't do otherwise in order to get more. Maybe dishonest things."

Annalee took that information in. She frowned thoughtfully, as if trying to reconcile my last vague statement with what Holly had said.

"But Nan seems like she feels okay now," Annalee said.

"I think she did," I replied with a stab of guilt. Honestly, Nan hadn't shown any signs to me of what people always thought of as typical addiction behavior. It was no wonder she felt like I didn't trust her after I asked her those questions. "Sometimes doctors can help people who have addictions," I went on. "Nan got help, so she didn't feel sick anymore when she didn't get the drugs. But." Annalee still looked at me with all of her attention, waiting for me to say more. I tried to find the right words for my fears. "If you have an addiction, even if you get help, you need to _keep_ getting help. Like regular doctor checkups. And since Nan's been in Cape Summer with us, she hasn't had those."

Annalee tilted her head at me skeptically. "Is she gonna get sick again?"

"I don't know," I said slowly. "I'm just worried she will."

For another few moments, Annalee was quiet, thinking, still frowning. "She left because of that?" she asked, somewhat disbelieving.

"I don't know," I said, feeling even more guilty. Of course I knew. She was upset that I thought she might relapse, like I didn't believe in her.

"Can't we go get her?" Annalee asked.

I looked away uncomfortably. "I don't know where she went..."

At that point Annalee sat up straighter and her mouth fell open. "She left and you didn't _take her somewhere?_ She could've fallen off the road and be drownded!"

"I'm sure she's fine, love," I said, but I was less soothing than I wished. I wasn't sure at all that she was fine. I couldn't scare Annalee more by letting that show, though.

Annalee's lips began to tremble. "Why didn't you make her stay?"

This was too much; I couldn't look at her. There was no good answer to that. "I wouldn't ever make Nan do something she didn't want to do," I settled on, but it was clear Annalee wouldn't buy that for even a moment.

"I know Nan wouldn't really want to leave!" she said. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"We were having a grownup conversation," I said in a strained voice. I couldn't take Annalee accusing me right now when I was already so disgusted with myself. She sighed loudly as if all adults were hopeless, and I'm pretty sure that I, at least, was.

"We should go look for her," Annalee urged me again. "If I talk to her, she'll come back, I know it."

_But what if she doesn't want to come back?_ The thought echoed around in my head and twisted up my insides. "Nan probably wants her privacy for a while," I faltered.

"What if she goes far away?" Annalee clutched my arm and shook me. I couldn't answer, though. It was entirely possible. And what would I do then? I'd lose the person who made my life so much more than it had been before, even though I'd never realized anything was missing.

I didn't know what to do or how to respond. It was like my mind and heart were paralyzed, caught in the headlights. It had always bothered me that Nan hid from her problems, but that's exactly what I wanted to do now.

"Maybe we should go on a picnic today," I said. It was one last effort to make things seem normal. I told myself it was for Annalee's sake, but she and I both knew it was more for mine.

"That's just wasting time," she scolded me. Then she looked at me sidelong and pursed her lips. "I'd go for some cookies or Oreo cheesecake, though."

I dropped my shoulders and sighed. She only wanted to go into town because we had a better chance of finding Nan that way. But I couldn't fool her and if I tried any harder, I might drive her into taking things into her own hands. Nobody knew better than me how determined she could be and the kind of trouble she could get herself in.

"Okay, we have to do some errands anyway," I conceded. Annalee jumped down from my lap and dashed off to get dressed.

A half hour later we were driving down the causeway to the mainland with Annalee's face pressed against the passenger-side window. She was searching the slope running from the road to the water in case Nan had indeed fallen in and "drownded," but thankfully she found no evidence of that.

It was stupid, but as we drove, I tried to keep an eye out on the slope at the other side of the road too.

Because I'd promised, our first stop was Miss Tandy's bakeshop. Annalee dashed inside and quickly looked around in the hopes that Nan might be there. Unsurprisingly, she wasn't.

When Tandy noticed us come in, her eyebrows lifted in surprise. Because we were alone? Probably, I thought morosely. Every time I'd come into the shop in the past month, Nan had been with me.

"Your usual, Queen Anne?" Tandy asked Annalee with a smile. At least if she was shocked she wasn't immediately asking about it.

"Yes please!" Annalee replied. "Have you seen Nan?"

Tandy's eyes lifted to mine and I looked away. "No, dear, not today," she said. She got Annalee her Oreo cheesecake and after I paid for it, she offered a cookie and a cup of hot chocolate to my daughter and a coffee to me. With a significant look, she nodded to a nearby table.

I almost groaned. I shot her a "take pity on me" look but it didn't work; she was already out from behind the counter and on her way to the table.

Annalee beamed happily at the extra cookie and hot chocolate and we all sat down together.

"I heard what happened at the school last night," Tandy said to me. She had her own coffee mug and was stirring it thoughtfully.

"Of course you did," I muttered.

"I wanted to hear the real story," she said. She looked at me pointedly. "I know Holly can be...imaginative." That last word she said with a glance at Annalee. I appreciated that she didn't want to badmouth Holly in front of her.

I chewed my lip and stared down into my coffee. Was this really my story to tell? No, but Holly had taken that choice away from me. Trying to stay as vague as possible, I explained what Nan had told me about her struggles and why she'd come here. Annalee was also listening carefully.

Tandy's brows furrowed sympathetically and she nodded while I spoke. "You know," she said after a pause when I'd finished. "There's a good support group just a town away, over in Garden Corner. Very welcoming people. My Jamie goes there and it's helped a lot."

I blinked at her as that sunk in. I had no idea her son was in recovery. But that was exactly what I wanted for Nan: some help. Something that would keep her safe.

That hope meant nothing if I didn't find her again, though.

"Is Nan back at the lighthouse?" Tandy asked casually.

Annalee groaned with frustration. "She _left_ and Mama didn't stop her! _Ugh!_"

"Oh no!" Tandy said, mostly in sympathy with Annalee, but she also looked concerned. I resisted the urge to drop my head onto the table.

"What did you want me to do, tie her up? And I can't just go around asking where she is!" I said. "After last night, she probably wants some privacy! I'm going to look like a stalker if she finds out I've been asking about her." _Or worse,_ I added internally, _like I trust her even less than I acted like last night._

"Don't you worry, I'll poke around and see what I can find out," Miss Tandy told me, soothing.

"Don't poke too hard, okay?" I asked miserably. "I... I want to see her again, but I don't want her to feel cornered."

"She _won't,_" Annalee shot back. "It's like you don't know her at all!"

I stared at my daughter. Did I? _Did_ I know Nan? Did what I learned last night change how I felt?

Everything in my heart shouted "no." Of course it didn't. I'd really gotten to know Nan over the past weeks, and beyond my initial desire for her, I'd learned that there was such goodness in her heart, such strength and cleverness. Was that how it looked to her last night? Like how I felt had changed?

No wonder I upset her so much.

Miss Tandy patted my hand. "Contrary to many people in this town," she said, "I know how to be subtle when I want to. I'll let you know what I find out."

"Thank you. Please call me if you hear anything," I sighed. I still felt like my hands were tied by my own insecurities, but it was comforting to think that I might find out whether Nan was still in town.

If I did that, maybe I could make things right.

**Chapter Twenty-One **

_**Nan**_

It's a good thing Cape Summer was a small town. I walked, dragging my suitcase behind me, all the way from the road that ran to the lighthouse through the main street shopping area and up the big hill on the other side. The center of town was at the foot of this hill, and as I climbed up the sidewalk, things became more rural.

Where the hell was I even going?

There was no such thing as a Motel 6 in a place like this. Hell, there wasn't even a McDonald's; they probably had some kind of ordinance that forbid chain businesses or something. But this place was tourist central in the summer, so they had to have plenty of accommodations. The only one I could remember, though, was next door to that tavern Cass and I went to.

That had been such a funny night. Cass and I were both so embarrassed we could've crawled under the table, but the two old guys were so sweet and Annalee's plotting seemed, now, like her way of trying to help my impossible dream come true.

How stupid I'd been. How incredibly, heart-shatteringly idiotic.

My life was just one long string of mistakes. For a little while, I thought I'd maybe broken that run...but that had only been another mistake. A big one.

And where did it get me? Where did truth and trust and vulnerability get me? Walking up a hill in the dark with no idea where I was going to spend the night.

It was not yet eleven o'clock when I got to the tavern and saw that the inn beside it had the outside lights still on. The door was unlocked too, and I felt bad about ringing the bell on the desk, but after a minute or two a woman in a plaid shirt came out of the back.

"Are there any available rooms?" I asked, too tired and heartsick for any kind of pleasantries.

"Yeah, definitely," she said, giving me a curious once-over. "For one?"

I chuckled bitterly. "Oh yeah. About as 'only one' as it gets."

She offered a sympathetic wince. "This might be a wild assumption, but maybe you should check out Miss Tandy's bakeshop down in town tomorrow. She makes this fantastic chocolate pastry called 'the breakup cure.' Might not fix things, but at least it tastes amazing."

Miss Tandy's bakeshop. She'd been so kind to me, accepting me as Cass's friend right away, and then she even got on board with Annalee's matchmaking and supported the two of us being more than friends.

Too bad I couldn't go to her shop ever again. After everyone found out who I was—and word would surely travel like wildfire—I wouldn't be welcome anywhere. Not that I'd ever be brave enough to go somewhere I was likely to run into Cass.

"Sounds nice," I said neutrally, trying not to tear up in front of a total stranger. "But I'm leaving early tomorrow." I don't know why I said it; I had no bus tickets or a schedule or anything, not to mention no destination.

"Ah, too bad," the innkeeper said with an awkward shrug. She knew she'd touched a nerve. We arranged my stay and she gave me a key on a wooden keychain shaped like a lobster.

"Just call down to the desk if you need anything," she said, pointing to a phone number carved into the lobster's underside.

_I need plenty of things. It's just too bad you can't give me any of them, I thought. A time machine would be a good start. I thanked her, though, and went and found my room. _

It was a comfortable place with a full bed, a small bathroom, and an antique dresser if I wanted to put my clothes away. It reminded me more of a room you'd stay in at a friend's house than an impersonal hotel.

I didn't even take off my makeup or wash my face. I just kicked off my pants and crawled into bed, and then I numbed myself with some dumb game on my phone until I passed out.

Things didn't look any better in the morning. It was raining, first off, and I still didn't even know where I would go if I did buy a bus ticket.

I knew one thing: I needed to eat, and that meant braving other people. After taking a long, groggy shower, I crossed the inn's parking lot to the tavern. I even made sure to check that Cass's truck wasn't anywhere nearby in case she was eating there too—what a paranoid lunatic, right?

It was late morning by now and the place was fairly busy. I got seated close to the bar, which I wasn't particularly happy about since I didn't really want to see the two old guys who ran the place. They'd wonder why I wasn't with Cass, and then they'd make assumptions based on what I was sure they'd already heard about what happened at the play, etc. etc.

I couldn't deal with that, or anything else. I just wanted to not exist for a little while, but since that wasn't an option, I ordered the biggest stack of pancakes they had instead. With real maple syrup to drown my sorrows.

While I was chowing down on the pancakes and trying to become invisible, a conversation from the kitchen made its way to my ears, snagging my attention. I closed my eyes against it and tried to stuff more pancakes in my mouth, but it didn't help.

"Bev McAllister just left and she told me that Holly Falkner's been telling everyone she's getting the custody case over Annalee reopened again," said the one who'd played his fiddle for us, Bert.

"She does that almost every year, and it never goes anywhere," his husband, Carlos, answered calmly.

"I'm worried this time, though," Bert said.

"Why, mi alma?"

I didn't have to be precognitive to tell what was coming next. I should've clapped my hands over my ears, but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. Maybe I deserved it.

Bert explained. He was hanging over the swinging doors between the kitchen and the area behind the bar, his back to me, talking to Carlos who was presumably cooking. "She's got a better case, folks are saying. That lady friend of Cass's who I fiddled for, you remember, who Annalee loves so much? Apparently she's a famous actress who was into drugs, here to avoid the spotlight, I hear. And you know how people are. Pearl-clutchers."

No outright condemnation; that was something, anyway. I couldn't tear my attention away even though that would've been a good note to leave on.

"How does that have anything to do with the custody?" Carlos asked. I dropped any attempt to not listen. The rumblings of fear started in my stomach.

"Because Holly claims this actress is a bad influence. 'Morally deficient,'" Bert said, and I glanced over with mortification only to see him use finger quotes around that last phrase. "And Holly says Cass is putting Annalee in danger by letting her stay at the lighthouse with them." He paused. "I had no idea they were living together."

A disgusted sigh came from Carlos's direction. "If it were someone else saying it, I'd take the accusation seriously. But there's no way this woman is a worse influence than Holly. She's selfish and she has no compassion. You remember how heartbroken Cass was when Holly cheated on her with that tourist."

"It's a good thing she's never shown up here or I'd have something to say about it," Bert growled.

My heart dropped into my stomach. Cheated? Holly _cheated_ on Cass?

I'd thought my opinion of the woman couldn't get lower, but I was wrong. The very thought made the skin on my neck heat and prickle with anger. Cass had never said anything to me about that, even when she talked about the divorce. I hoped she wasn't ashamed of it, but either way, she was protecting Holly and that was horribly sad. It was likely for Annalee's sake, but still.

"Holly tried taking Annalee away when Cass divorced her, too," Carlos said. "I don't know how Cass managed to talk her down, but I'm sure the police would've had to get involved otherwise. I doubt Holly has a chance with the courts. That girl never even had the good judgment God gave rocks. The thing I'm worried about is that Holly will do something drastic, and this time Cass won't be able to stop her."

Hearing those words doused the anger burning inside me with ice-cold water. The police? What on earth had Holly done? I wouldn't put it past her to try strong-arming Cass into giving up more custody of Annalee, but of course Cass would never agree. Was it possible Holly would try to take Annalee away by deception? By force?

Even when I was at my lowest point in my addiction and I realized I might literally die from this if I let it get any worse... Even then, I didn't feel this unique kind of fear.

Did Cass know about this? All night I tried not to think about how she was feeling, but now that was all that filled my mind. Could I call her? God, after the way she treated me and the way I left, the idea of that made me want to dig a hole and hide in it. If Holly had done this before, Cass would surely be expecting anything Holly could throw at her. Right?

I finished my pancakes, lost in thought. My head felt like it was storming worst than the one I almost drowned in. I was lost, confused, directionless. I had to do something, but I had no idea what that might be.

It was raining even harder when I left the tavern, heading toward the inn so I could try to make some kind of plan.

It was just a splashing whirr and a blur of gold that moved past at the edge of my vision, but when the sight registered in my brain, I jerked around to stare after it.

A gold minivan, driving away from me down the hill toward town. There was a round sticker on the back window, one I recognized as an artist guild's because I'd seen it before.

On _Holly's_ minivan.

Every bit of shame and hurt I felt toward Cass vanished in a blink. I turned and dashed back into the tavern.

The two old guys must've thought I was an utter lunatic. I slammed against the bar, leaning over it with both hands pressed to the top.

"I'm Nan, remember, with Cass and the violin?" I shouted breathlessly. Bert turned around and stared at me. "Holly's van just went by! I saw it! Going toward town, toward the lighthouse!" I looked at him with imploring eyes, and Carlos pushed through the swinging doors from the kitchen.

Maybe I was panicking for no reason, but I felt, down to my bones, that something terrible was about to happen if someone didn't stop it. If _we_ didn't stop it.

Carlos and Bert exchanged looks, and then Carlos grabbed a pair of keys from somewhere inside the kitchen and tossed them to Bert.

"I'll keep cooking, go!" Carlos said.

"Come on, dear," Bert said to me as he rushed past. I followed him out the door and he led me to an old clunker of a teal Ford Escort. He got into the driver's seat but I hesitated a moment, and he waved me in. "You care just as much as I do," he told me. I went a little weak-kneed with relief at his acceptance and got in.

People often have this idea of old folks, especially in rural New England, as puttering around in their cars at a snail's pace. "Sunday drivers," they call them, as if they're just out for an aimless ride. Well, Bert sure wasn't one of those.

He sped down the hill like he was Mario Andretti in a brand new race car. With a turn so quick I grabbed onto the seat to keep myself steady, he veered onto a side road that cut out a series of stoplights. We were farther up on the slope that ran down to the harbor, and I caught sight of the van turning onto a road toward the cape.

"There!" I said, pointing.

"Don't fret," Bert told me soothingly. "This old car can turn on a dime and is faster than quicksilver. We'll cut her off." He spared a glance over at me and smiled. "Cass and Annalee sure are important to you, aren't they?"

I swallowed hard and nodded. "Really, really important."

"Look, Carlos and I aren't ones to judge," he said. "We've lived through a lot of that. I saw the way Cass looked at you, and Annalee too. Both pretty differently, of course," he added with a chuckle. "People in this town can be cruel, even as much as they can be kind. If it's love, it's worth it, wouldn't you say?"

My throat tightened and I squeezed my eyes shut. My heart wanted to say yes, and right now, that's all it was screaming. But I knew the fear would crash down sooner or later, if we all made it out of this.

"Yeah," I agreed softly. If I kept saying it, maybe I could convince myself that it was okay to hope.

We careened down a steep side street and pulled onto the road with Holly's van just visible in the distance. Bert ground his foot down on the gas and we sped forward.

I held on tightly to my seat belt when the road started getting twisty. The windshield wipers thunked back and forth, fighting valiantly to clear the rain from the glass. I recognized where we were: just ahead, there would be the blinking yellow stoplight where we'd turn right to head down to the causeway and the island with the lighthouse.

The thing was, when we turned and came into sight of the light, I suddenly remembered a construction site I noticed in passing yesterday. There was an open manhole on one side of the road, surrounded by cones.

And Holly plowed right through them.

By now, we were within just a few hundred feet of her and speeding fast. When she swerved, a barrage of orange cones came tumbling toward us.

Bert slammed on the brakes rather than trying to dodge all of the unpredictable cones, and the car skidded with a shriek. I clung to the dashboard and prayed we'd make it through, but I'd never been in any deity's good books.

There was a resounding _thud_ and the car jerked to a rocking halt. We'd landed with one wheel in the manhole.

I gasped as my heart thundered deafeningly.

"You okay?" Bert asked loudly, and I nodded. "Me too," he said, and then pointed. "Get out and go after her! I'll call Triple A and they'll come and tow me out of here, no problem."

"Are you sure?" I asked shakily. "Your car...!"

"It's fine! It's practically immortal, this thing! Get going!" He waved me away and I didn't need any more convincing. I clambered out of the car and hopped over the cones in my way, and then I took off running toward the lighthouse.

The rain was pouring down now and the sea around me was obscured by misty curtains of it. Wind blew flurries of water into my face. Even though I couldn't see details of the ocean on either side, I shivered as fear I thought I'd gotten past came up to swallow me.

But then the beam of the lighthouse cut through it all. It swung over my head and out to sea, swept around and back, slicing brilliantly through the rain. Instead of warning me away, it pulled me closer. Made me stronger.

I pushed my muscles and sped toward it.

**Chapter Twenty-Two **

_**Cass**_

"Mama, I heard a car door!" Annalee jumped down from the chair at the table where she was coloring and eating her final cookie from Miss Tandy. She went over to the kitchen window. She wanted it to be Nan, that much I could tell from the eager way she peered outside with her nose against the glass.

What were the chances that Nan would take a taxi or get someone to drive her out here? Slim at best. There was no way she wanted to see me, and I... I didn't know what I'd say to her even if she did.

Annalee went silent and I thought maybe she'd mistaken some other sound for a car, but then I looked out the window and my insides tightened like a fist.

The very last person I wanted to see.

Holly.

"What—is she doing here?" I muttered, narrowly removing "the fuck" from the middle of that question before it came out of my mouth with my daughter right here.

"I don't want to talk to her," Annalee said angrily. "I'm mad at her. She makes everything worse."

I ran my hand over her hair, trying to be comforting even though I agreed completely. "You don't have to talk to her," I said. "It's up to you." I wished I could do the same, but locking the door and pretending we weren't home wouldn't solve anything.

There came a pounding from that same door and Annalee went over to the round window on the other side of the living room. She folded her arms and leaned against the wall, looking out, her back to the door.

I drew in a long breath to steel myself. Going off on Holly might be satisfying but it would only hurt Annalee in the long run. I doubted I could get her to see reason, but maybe I could at least drive her off until she cooled down. I knew that about her; whenever she got all snarled up about something, her rage would usually run out of steam after a while.

I calmly opened the door while she was still banging on it. The rain weighed down her hair and made it look scraggly, and her cheeks were red and her eyes bloodshot.

She pushed past me and glared around the room. It didn't look like she even saw Annalee.

"Where is she?" Holly snapped. "Where's your lowlife druggie girlfriend? Out here in your lighthouse, where you're helping her hide from her sins?"

I scoffed. "I hope you realize what a sanctimonious hypocrite you sound like—" I began, but then Annalee whirled around.

"She's gone!" Annalee shouted. "She left because you said those horrible things to her! You told lies about her!" She balled her hands into fists and lowered her chin. "You _made_ her go away, and I hate you!"

That's never an easy thing for a parent to hear, and I almost felt sorry for Holly for a split second. She looked so affronted, so hurt, but then her face twisted and she fixed me with spiteful eyes.

"Look how you're poisoning her mind," she hissed at me. "She would never talk like that if she were living with me. But she's being raised by a reject from society so this is what she's going to become!"

I gritted my teeth together. No matter how many times I heard that, it still stung. "And you think saying these things about me is any better?"

Holly ignored me. She fumbled through her purse and pulled out a crumpled envelope. "I'm not leaving without my daughter," she said in a theatrically tear-filled voice. "This is a court order, Cassandra. You _will_ let her go home with me."

Annalee let out an indignant yell, and I put my hands out toward Holly as if trying to calm an animal.

"You can't believe I'd buy that," I said, trying to sound reasonable. There was no way she could get something like that so easily and without my knowledge...but nevertheless, my heart stuttered and began to speed. I couldn't be a hundred percent sure of anything, and she had an insidious way of getting around the rules sometimes.

I looked at Annalee over my shoulder. She was still standing close to the window, and now she was glancing back and forth between us. Her face was pinched with anxiousness, waiting to hear me say that Holly couldn't make her go with her.

"Annalee," I said, firmly and with certainty, "please go on upstairs. Nobody's going to make you go anywhere. But Mommy and I need to discuss some things." I knew how much it hurt her to see us argue, and I didn't want to put her through that. I wasn't too surprised by her reaction, though.

"No!" Annalee shouted. "I'm not going upstairs! I'm not going anywhere! This is about _me_ and I'm in charge of me!"

I turned back to Holly and lifted my eyebrows at her. "This is doing her no good, Holly. It's doing none of us any good. You should leave."

"I'm not going anywhere without Annalee!" Holly declared just as loudly as Annalee had. Holly finally looked her in the eyes. "You're coming with me, baby. I'll get you out of here."

"No!" Annalee yelled again. "I'm never going with you! You can't make me if I don't wanna!"

"I _can,_" Holly said sharply, "if I call the police and child services and tell them that you're being kept in a house with a dangerous addict."

There was a ringing silence for a few heartbeats. I felt like the walls and ceiling were shrinking in. Would they actually listen to her? There was a horrible incongruity between how ridiculous her threat was and how terrifyingly serious it seemed to me right then.

Annalee whimpered and I held out my hand to her. She came over and clung to my side, and I could feel the tension and fear in her.

"Holly, stop it," I warned. "You're scaring her. Nan isn't even _here._"

I jumped—Annalee jumped, all three of us jumped—when a frantic banging at the door cut off my words. I looked at Holly and she looked back at me, surprise and confusion in both of our eyes, and then she rushed over to the door and yanked it open before I could get there.

Nan stood, her chest heaving with effort and rain sluicing off her, at the top of the steps.

Holly swung around and glared at me. "See? _See?_ She's obsessed with you!"

"_You're_ obsessed," I told her, but my heart was shuddering in my chest. Nan. She was here. She'd come _back._ Even though I made a huge mistake, even though I made her think I didn't trust her, she came back to me.

Annalee detached herself from my side and ran over to Nan, thumping against her in a hug so tight that Nan stepped back with the force of it.

"Nan, Nan!" she cried. "You came back! I knew you didn't want to leave! Stay here with us, please!"

Holly darted forward and almost got her hand on Annalee's shoulder, but Nan pulled her away and Annalee scooted behind her.

"Do not touch my daughter!" Holly shrieked. The note of hysteria in her voice knocked the air out of me. Annalee started to cry, and Nan backed up away from Holly. I crossed the space between us in three strides and put myself between Holly and the two of them.

"Holly, you need to stop!" I said, my voice forceful and hard. "Can't you understand how bad this is for her? She's in tears!"

"It wouldn't happen if you'd see what _is_ good for her!" Holly said, but she backed off from Nan and Annalee. "The teachers are on my side, Cassandra! They'll support me! They'll _testify_ for me!"

Heat started to prickle up my back and neck and my palms felt slick. In all likelihood, she was lying—she'd lied to me over and over in the past—but I couldn't be sure. I couldn't shake the creeping, crushing fear that those teachers might be judgmental enough to turn against me.

"Annalee, love," I said, trying to keep my voice steady, "go upstairs to your room. _Please._"

Annalee let out a wordless shout of protest, but Nan crouched down in front of her and smoothed her hair.

"Please," Nan said. "Listen to your mama, okay?"

In disbelief, Annalee looked back and forth between the two of us, and she then shot a furious stare at Holly. Finally she turned, her shoulders drawn up tight, and ran up the stairs.

"I am _so sick of all of you!_" she stormed. It wrenched my heart, but I couldn't blame her.

"_You,_" Holly snarled at Nan. "How dare you come back here? Cass said she'd gotten rid of you!"

Nan swung her gaze over to me, hurt blossoming in her eyes, but I shook my head.

"I didn't say anything like that," I implored her. Holly cut me off before I could say more.

"You're finished here," she said to Nan. "Go back to wherever you came from. You won't milk the people of this town for drug money any longer."

The blood drained from Nan's face and then returned in blotches on her cheeks. "I know I've done things in the past that I really, _really_ regret," she said. She lifted her chin in a refusal to looked cowed by Holly. "But I'm through with that life. It's over. I pose _no_ threat to Annalee or to Cass, or to anyone in Cape Summer."

"That's right," I added. Together, we could gain footing against Holly. "I found out about a great rehab support group. They'll be able to give so much help."

For a few seconds, I felt myself turn toward a sliver of hope about this situation. But then I glanced over at Nan and her face was pale again. She stared at me with a sick, drawn look of betrayal.

My skin went cold. What...?

"You still think I'll relapse?" she whispered. Her brows drew together in pain, and it struck me like a punch to realize just how heartbreakingly she interpreted my concern. Would she never let me show her that I cared about her in this way? Would she always feel like my desire for her safety was a betrayal of trust?

Holly pounced. "Oh, so you two think you have this _great relationship,_ but you're completely unstable! How is this good for Annalee?"

"_We're_ unstable?!" Nan asked with indignant disbelief. "You should talk!"

Holly very likely would've, but we heard a loud thump from the floor above us and electric bolts of fear coursed through my veins.

"Annalee!"

I dashed up the stairs with Nan and Holly close behind. The door to Annalee's room didn't lock, and I just managed to catch the knob as I flung it open so that it didn't bang the wall.

But she wasn't in there.

Her window was open, pushed all the way up, and the old sliding screen was shoved up as well. I rushed over to look out in time to see her, in her turquoise raincoat with the frog pattern, climb down the other side of the mudroom roof onto the woodpile in back.

"Shit," I muttered desperately, then called louder, "Annalee, wait! Stop!"

I didn't waste any more time watching. I pushed past Holly and Nan and they seemed to get the picture pretty quickly, because they were right on my heels.

Heedless of the rain, I went out through the mudroom's door and circled around the cottage. Annalee had a head start right off the low roof, and when I caught sight of her, she was already running toward the cement path that ran down the cliffs to the beach.

"Stop! Annalee!" A fear like none I'd ever known seared through me. There were so many ways she could get hurt, so many horrific endings to this already terrible day. It was raining, slippery, hard to see...

No amount of calling would make her stop. She swung around the metal railing at the start of the path and splashed down the walkway.

"Leave me alone!" she screamed back at us. Nan and Holly were just moments behind me as I dashed after her, leaving the grassy top of the island above. Annalee stopped just long enough to say, "I can't stand it when you fight! I'm not leaving the lighthouse with Mommy and I'm not going to my room! I just want to be alone!"

"Annalee! Wait right there!" I ran down the walkway as fast as I could, but she sped off again. Every move one of us made drove her farther away. She seemed to be picking up more speed, and soon we would reach the shore at the bottom and I didn't know where she'd go. Then a blur of color dropped down the rock face below and behind me.

Holly had ducked under the railing and was sliding haphazardly toward the next stretch of the walkway, which curved in hairpin turns down the cliff. She landed mostly on her feet just a little ways in front of Annalee.

Annalee shrieked and skidded to a halt. "No!" she yelled. "I'm not going with you! Leave me alone!"

"Baby, you don't mean that!" Holly said. She moved toward Annalee with outstretched hands.

"Yes I do! Go away!" Annalee backed up and then turned around, and to my horror, she climbed off the edge of the path and onto the craggy rocks beside it.

"No!" I cried. "Annalee, please stop! Come back onto the path! It's dangerous!" She didn't reply to me, but she did pause in her clambering across the rocks. When Holly came closer, though, she started to scoot farther out.

At the spot where Annalee left the path, the walkway curved sharply in its back-and-forth descent. It had been carved into the side of the cliff and shored up with cement, and the granite slope around it was covered in spirals of lichen and pockets of crumbling, sun-bleached earth. This side of the cliff hung well over the water above a deep cove.

The rock Annalee climbed onto was relatively flat, but it was only a few feet wide, and it was running with the rain. She crept across it on her hands and knees in soaked jeans, searching for the next place she could get to.

I kept begging her to stop and come back, but Holly wouldn't back off either. She didn't seem to understand that the closer she got, the more danger Annalee would put herself in—or maybe she didn't care, and that scared me even more. I never doubted that Holly loved Annalee, even though she'd do some pretty underhanded things and be petty as hell in trying to play her against me, but right now, that unhinged look I'd seen in her eyes earlier was taking over her whole body.

With every passing moment, things were getting closer and closer to disaster.

When I heard another scraping, tumbling noise coming from behind me, I turned all the way around in confusion. Nan had just climbed under the railing as well and skidded down the slope on her bottom to land in a crouch behind Holly. Startled, Holly turned and backed up against the railing.

I took advantage of the momentary distraction to reach the place where Annalee had crawled off the path. "Please, honey, stop!" I pleaded. I wiped rain out of my face with one hand and then reached out to her. "Please come back. I've got you. I won't let her take you. We'll stop fighting, I promise." My insides quaked and I tried desperately to force back tears that I knew would just frighten her even more.

I heard an angry shout from Holly and looked down to see that Nan had grabbed her arm and was pulling her away. It split my attention, and in that eyeblink, Annalee tried to move and slid a little on the wet stone. She yelped shrilly and I climbed over the guardrail and out onto the rocks.

The granite was painfully rough beneath my fingers but the treads of my boots didn't want to stick to it. I angled myself sideways, trying to find footholds and places to balance in a spot where an eight-year-old had been just barely able to fit.

Annalee glanced over at me fearfully, indecision warring in her eyes. Now that she'd lost her grip once, it was a choice of trying to get back to me, waiting for me in a precarious place, or moving to somewhere that looked more stable. I saw it on her face when she chose the latter and started to scoot crab-style toward a large, flat outcropping below.

"Annalee!" I called to her. "Be careful! I'm coming!" I didn't want her to move at all, but truthfully it would be easier to get to her somewhere we both could fit.

Behind me, Holly managed to rip herself away from Nan, but instead of coming toward me and Annalee, she dashed farther down the walkway. It curved and ran back in our direction below, and I realized what she was doing: Annalee was climbing down, and Holly wanted to intercept her at the next turn.

Annalee inched her way to the wider spot, but when she raised her arm to wipe rain off her face, she lost balance and slipped a little. I gave a strangled gasp and reached toward her. I was much too far away, but she didn't fall, and I felt lightheaded with relief. It didn't last long, though.

The problem was that slipping scared her, and so she moved away from her path to the wider shelf and perched on the nearest little hump of rock—one that was much less safe. I scrabbled toward her as fast as I could, but I had to force myself to be careful when everything in me was frantic. It would do Annalee no good if I fell into the sea right in front of her.

My focus was on nothing else but her, but dimly I realized that Nan was yelling. She'd somehow gotten in front of Holly again—had she dropped down the precarious cement wall between these two levels of the walkway?—and had her arms flung wide to keep Holly from going any farther.

"Holly, please, stop!" Nan cried. There was a sob in her voice and my already-torn heart broke even more. "Just stop! You want me to leave? I'll leave! I'll walk away. You can forget I ever came here. Just stop trying to take Annalee away from Cass, and I'll go and never come back if that's what you want. I'll do anything to keep Annalee safe. Anything! _Please,_ just stop!"

It felt like my heart was what stopped when she said those words. _Anything._ To keep my daughter safe, she'd give up...what she and I shared? The passion and indescribable depth of feeling that tied us together? Her safety here? The tentative, blossoming happiness of the life we were starting to build?

That was something a mother would do. Holly had never offered such a thing and she certainly never acted like she would. But Nan did.

I was frozen for a moment, stunned into seeing nothing but Nan below me, her arms held out like she was daring Holly to shoot her. This was the woman who thought I didn't trust her, who I'd _made_ to feel that way. She was the woman who made my body roar to life and my heart burst open after being numb for so long. The woman whose mysteries had opened up before me and proved her to be even stronger and more full of heart and beauty and light than I knew.

The woman I loved.

The doors to my heart flung wide at the same moment that Holly charged at Nan.

Annalee screamed, but she wasn't falling. She was watching as Holly slammed into Nan, her hands and hooked fingers going for Nan's throat. Nan was so shocked that she stumbled back and lost her footing, and Holly slammed her into the railing at the turn in the walkway. Nan let out a strangled cry when her back collided with the iron bar.

Before she could get up again, Holly grabbed her by the upper arms and spun her around, flinging her down on the cement path behind her. She aimed a vicious kick at Nan, who managed to catch it in the shin instead of the stomach, and then Holly sprang away from her and climbed up onto the railing toward Annalee.

"Holly, no!" I shouted, and my boots skidded down the wet rock as I frantically tried to get to my daughter. Caught between the two of us, Annalee sobbed and drew up her knees, curling into a ball. Holly's hands waved toward her, just out of reach.

My feet scrabbled for purchase. If I could just get down a little farther, if I could grab Annalee by the back of her coat or beneath her arms and haul the two of us onto that flat place...

Annalee jerked her foot away just as Holly made a lurch for it. Propelled by fright, that swift movement was just enough to throw her from her seat.

In the split second before she fell, she scraped at the stone with her fingers and flailed her feet. Gravity was too much and everything was too slippery, and there was nothing to catch her.

My heart stopped. My breath stopped. All in one moment, I saw my entire world come to an end.

Then Annalee thumped into Nan's arms and the two of them fell backward onto the cement.

Annalee was wailing on top of Nan's chest, and after a handful of horrifying seconds Nan gave a huge gasp as if the wind had been knocked out of her. She locked her arms tight around Annalee and wheezed, "It's okay, it's okay, you're okay," over and over.

My limbs turned to soup with the ten-ton weight of relief that slammed down over me. I breathed again and my heart thudded so hard it hurt my eyes.

Then a hand closed around my ankle, vicelike, and the rock wall was scraping my back and battering my hands as Holly yanked me away from my hold.

My boot caught on a hump of rock for a fraction of a second, wrenching my hip. It was just enough time to see Holly's furious face, her eyes wide and red and terrifying.

"I know one sure-fire way she'll be mine," she whispered. With one last pull, she pushed me past her and off the edge.

Pain cracked through my forehead. I was aware only that the rock suddenly stopped battering me, and then I hit the water.

**Chapter Twenty-Three **

_**Nan**_

My head felt like the back had been smashed in and I had a wet mess of sobbing little girl on my chest. Everything was blurry, coming in and out of focus, double-visioning back and forth. Then Annalee stopped crying and started screaming, and I wrenched myself up.

I saw it through the rain and my sodden hair in my face.

Cass was falling. And not two seconds later, Holly tipped backwards, flailing for balance against gravity, and fell after her.

There were two tremendous splashes and Annalee kicked me in the ribs in her hurry to get up and run to the railing. "_Mama!_" she shrieked. I hurled myself to my feet.

In the waving seaweed below, Cass's pale face emerged. She floundered weakly, confusedly, and red suddenly bled over half of her face. Beneath the rush of the rain and foaming thump of the waves, I heard her ragged coughing.

I pulled Annalee around to face me. "Run to the lighthouse! Call 911!" She gasped in and out with sobs and I pulled her in for a quick, tight hug. "Sweetie, run! I'll go get her, I promise! Just get home and call 911!"

Annalee nodded and dashed away up the path. I turned toward the ocean. Cass was still visible but her head kept going under. I tore off my shoes and clambered over the railing.

Below where I stood, the path zig-zagged to my right, following the cliff face. The rock wall was scooped out here, on my left: a clear drop down to the water.

"Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh god. Oh fuck." I started to hyperventilate but I let out an angry little scream and made myself breathe steadily. The water beneath me looked like an open mouth, like a giant sea creature with a huge, heaving blue maw that I was about to throw myself into.

The blood on Cass's face was running red-orange. Her mouth kept opening, coughing, closing, gulping. I clung to the railing at my back, my legs quaking.

I pictured her, the first face I saw after I woke up, after I thought I'd taken my last breath. Her concerned gray eyes were seared like a burning kiss into my memory.

I let go and jumped.

The water hurt like pavement when you fall off a bike. It was so cold that the air was driven out of me, but this time I knew where the surface was. I kicked for it and forced myself not to utterly freak out when all of the slimy seaweed slithered past my body. Coming up into the pouring rain was somehow even colder.

I took deep breaths and looked around. Not far away, Cass was floating, moving her arms in slow, muddled motions that only barely kept her face above water. I struggled over to her.

"Cass!" I choked, hoping to get her attention before I touched her and startled her into drowning faster. She opened her eyes and focused blearily on me, and then her eyebrows furrowed as if she wasn't sure what she was looking at. I put my hands out to her and said, "Don't move. Just float. I'll get you to shore." I'd been a pretty good swimmer, once upon a time. I'd seen people in lifeguard movies; I could figure out how to do a rescue stroke, couldn't I? Arm under the chin, right? True, I was a good swimmer _before_ the ocean turned into my mortal enemy, but if there was any time to kick that enemy in the balls, it was now.

"Nan...?" Her voice was disbelieving, but she obeyed, letting me lift her chest toward the surface. I hooked my elbow gently around her chin.

"Float," I said again, spitting out salt water. She let herself go limp and I looked toward the shore, trying to find anywhere we could easily get onto land. The cliff had mostly rocks at its feet, but some of them looked at least flatter than others. I picked the best of all of my bad options and began to swim us slowly toward it.

I never swam so hard in my life. Even when I was struggling through the storm that brought me here and I thought I was as good as dead, it wasn't as hard as pulling Cass through the rocking waves and trying to make sure I kept her head above water. I kicked through seaweed, through currents, and twice I changed my destination because the water kept pushing or pulling me too far away. I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere, like I almost wasn't moving at all, but I kept going.

But just like that time, eventually, my knees cracked painfully into a rock. Then my free elbow and my hip, and then I could turn around and bump from rock to rock on my butt so I could pull Cass safely behind me. When we got into only a few inches of water, it was the hardest, because now the water wasn't holding her weight. With a bit of fumbling help from her, I dragged her up onto the beach.

I sat down and let her rest her head in my lap. Cass breathed in low gasps and still coughed every so often, but her eyes were open. I brushed water and bits of seaweed out of her face and tried to find where all the blood was coming from.

"My mermaid," Cass murmured brokenly. She lifted her hand and touched my face, and her fingers were ice-cold and gritty. I caught her hand and kissed it, then held it between my own.

"Maybe I'm a dolphin this time," I said in a shaking voice. "Dolphins save people, right?"

"Mm," Cass agreed. Her smile was faint. The blood was coming from a cut on her forehead, I saw, one that was growing into a swollen lump. "But a mermaid stole my heart."

I stared at her for a second, my mouth open. It was, all at once, so unlike her to say such a soppy, romantic thing, and also so very much like what I knew was her truth.

"A lighthouse-keeper stole mine," I replied, and my eyes stung as warm tears mixed with the cold seawater. "A fairy tale match if ever there was one."

High above our heads, the wail of an ambulance got louder. I looked up and saw that we'd been dragged inland past the walkway, and in a moment a team of red-coated paramedics carrying a stretcher started their way down. One followed at the back, holding hands with Annalee in her little turquoise raincoat, and after them came two police officers.

Cass lifted her head. "Holly...?"

I blinked and shook my head, looking around. She'd been driven completely from my mind. Past the rocks we swam over was a stretch of water and then another black hump of stone a few hundred feet out. Something moved on it, nothing but a light-colored patch through the rain, but I recognized it: Holly had pulled herself mostly out of the water to lay on top of the rocks.

I didn't feel saintly enough to be glad she'd made it.

_Well, I thought grimly. At least the police are here. _

I held Cass in my lap as we waited for the paramedics. She clung onto my arm with both hands almost as hard as if she were still drowning.

"Nan, you... You swam."

I laughed a little and it went high-pitched at the end with a hysterical note. "I guess I did! Nothing like the impending death of the woman you love to make you do things you never thought you could."

Cass opened her eyes wide and looked up at me like I was an angel leaning over her. "You...?"

I ran my thumb over her cheek and tried not to laugh even more. I probably wouldn't stop if I did. "Of course, you idiot. You utter idiot. I love you. How could I not? You're my savior."

"Now you're mine," she answered softly. She lifted her head and I bent down, and we shared a kiss that was as hot as the sun even with the pelting rain and frigid ocean water soaking us. Cass opened her eyes again and they were just as brilliant a silver as they were that day, the first moment I opened mine and saw her. "I love you," she said. "Never leave."

I smiled and kissed her again. "You couldn't get rid of me if you tried."

They let Cass go home from the hospital around nine that night, which was good because Annalee refused to leave her side; she kept nodding off in the chair next to Cass's bed and almost fell out several times before determinedly jerking herself awake.

Cass had a minor concussion, nothing to be too worried about. As for me, I just had a great big bruise where Holly kicked my shin and a giant lump on the back of my head where I fell on the walkway after catching Annalee. She, to our relief, was totally fine except for some scraped knuckles.

I helped Annalee get ready for bed while Cass rested on the couch. I'd never promised anyone something as many times—and meant it—as I promised Annalee that I'd be there when she woke up.

I made Cass some herbal tea after Annalee was in bed and sat down next to her on the couch. She had a cream-colored woven blanket over her lap and was settled in the corner, looking about as exhausted as I felt. I handed her a mug, sat down beside her, and pulled my feet up.

We were silent for a little while. Between describing what had happened to the police and going to the hospital, we hadn't spoken much to each other besides what we had to.

Finally Cass looked over at me. All of those volumes of unspoken words shone in her eyes. "You came back."

"Of course I did," I replied softly, and then I smiled and poked her in the thigh with my toe. "It's what any decent person would've done," I added, echoing what she always said to me.

She returned my smile but then shook her head sadly. "Not with the way I treated you. I was scared for you, and I'm ashamed to admit, I _was_ scared for us too. I didn't know what would happen." She paused and fidgeted with the tassels at the edge of her blanket. "There's a lot I don't know about addiction."

"Most people are like that," I replied with an "it is what it is" sort of shrug. "At least you didn't say something like 'You brought it on yourself.' Believe me, I've heard it all."

"Still, I should have thought for a minute before I said anything. I'm so sorry I made it sound like I don't trust you." Her stormy eyes lifted to mine, and I saw nothing there but sincere regret.

I offered a little smile with the barest hint of teasing, but that was to hide how important it was to me that she say it out loud. "So, you do trust me?"

"With my life," Cass said immediately. Then she laughed and winced. "Literally." After a pause, she bowed her head shyly. "I heard what you said to Holly."

"What? 'Get the fuck away from my woman, you crazy bitch'?" I chuckled, but I could guess what she was driving at.

She looked up at me with a touched smile. "Your woman. I never thought I'd like that."

"But you do?" I asked. I'd said it without thinking, but Cass really didn't seem like the sort of person who liked to be called by possessives.

"Oh yeah, I sure do." She leaned over then and smoothed her hand against my jaw, then kissed me sweetly. I melted into her. "But what I meant is I heard you offer to leave if Holly would back off."

I sat back then, worry flickering inside me. "I wouldn't _want_ to leave," I assured her. "I didn't mean to make it sound like I'd just walk away from what we have at the drop of a hat."

"Exactly," Cass replied steadily. She took my hand and held it, and her fingers were strong and comforting. "You offered to leave all this behind if it would keep Annalee safe. You don't have to say how much it would break your heart to do that. I know."

I let out a long breath. It was like she opened me up and saw into my heart, pulling out the things I wanted to say but didn't know how. "I feel like I've been so selfish lately. That's what everyone told me, anyway. All I want to do is get better and have a normal life again, but even coming here and staying as long as I did felt so selfish. Offering that to Holly seemed like the only thing I could do. And I was ready to give whatever I had to if it would keep Annalee safe."

Cass slowly shook her head with wonder. "I can't tell you how much it meant to me to hear that. You acted like a mother, Nan. Much more of a mother than Holly ever was."

I gave a soft, bashful laugh and my eyes teared up a little bit. I'd never thought of myself as motherly, but it wasn't a bad feeling. "Annalee is so important to me. And I did it for her sake, of course, but... I also did it for you. I didn't want to cause you any more pain. And when I realized how far Holly would go, I knew that if there was anything at all I could do to prevent that, I would." I swiped at my eyes to keep the tears from falling.

"That's what selflessness is," Cass said. "You've proved you're not selfish. And you couldn't have proved it in a way that means more to me. Now if I could just prove it to you."

I scoffed quietly. She was being pretty ridiculous in her effort to make me feel better. "You're never selfish. Don't make me laugh."

Cass regarded me with a solemn set to her mouth. "Wasn't I, though, when I acted like I thought you'd relapse?"

I sighed and thought for a moment about how to respond. "It hurt. It still does. But...every therapist I've been to, every counselor at rehab, said that relapsing is a strong possibility and you have to be prepared for it to happen and then work through that. I was running away again by not believing it. I don't want to run away anymore. Not from you." I met her eyes and swallowed down all of the anxiety and shame that suddenly threatened to engulf me. The words came out like I was squeezing water from a stone. "...You said you heard about a good support group?"

Cass's face lit up with a slow, glowing hope. "Yes, a friend's son. Miss Tandy's son, Jamie. She said he goes to one and it's been helping him."

"Really?" I asked, surprised. "She told you? That means she wouldn't hate me if she found out?" I usually wasn't so blatant about those kinds of worries, but I didn't want to hide anything from Cass anymore.

"She doesn't. No one should hate you. Tandy's a good person, and most people here are, at least when they get out of their own way." Cass paused and then raised a fist. "And if they talk shit about you... I'll sic Annalee on them and she'll start a campaign to make them like you. And you know no one can resist her."

I laughed and shifted on the couch so I could snuggle up to Cass's side. "Her campaigns are pretty persuasive. She should run for president."

"With you behind her, she can do anything." Cass nuzzled me below my ear and I kissed her hair.

"You _and_ me," I corrected. "And you know what? When we're together, I feel like I can do anything too. Like there's no obstacle too big. I haven't felt that way in longer than I can remember."

Cass took my hand and laced her fingers through mine. "I can't tell you what a relief it is to hear that." Her eyes flicked up to mine and there was that sorrow in them again, the same as when she apologized for distrusting me. I squeezed her hand with an inquisitive look. "There were times when I judged you too," she said softly. "Even before I found out what you'd been through. Everything that happened with Holly has colored so much of my life, and it's only now that I'm beginning to see it."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"When we met, I had already decided to adopt a child. I had even already met Annalee and was in the middle of the adoption process. Holly thought it would be the most romantic adventure. Raising a child together, living in a lighthouse surrounded by such natural beauty... The perfect artist's life." Cass closed her eyes and sighed. "She got in over her head. After a few years of undying enthusiasm and passionate declarations of love, that fire burnt out. And instead of talking to me about how she felt..." Her eyebrows twisted in pain and she leaned into my shoulder.

"She cheated on you," I finished. Cass lifted her head, her mouth falling open, and I gave her a small, sympathetic smile. "I overheard Bert and Carlos talking about it at the tavern this morning." I'd already explained to her, when the police were here, about how I'd spent the night at the inn and then saw Holly's car speeding toward the lighthouse.

"Yeah," Cass replied thickly. "Somehow, to her, that was better than facing her problems. So when you told me you were running away from yourself, I couldn't help but be reminded of it. I thought you must be turning your back on people too. I'm sorry. I wish I'd been more understanding."

I surprised her by chuckling. "There you go with that integrity again, Superwoman. I don't want you to be perfect. How would I ever be good enough for you then?"

Cass lifted her head and looked into my eyes. "You were always good enough for me. You always will be. And I meant what I said when you rescued me." Sincerity made her face soft and bright. "Stay forever."

With warmth flooding through every part of me, I replied: "And I meant it too. I will."

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Seven Months Later **

_**Cass**_

"Welcome home, Ariel!" Nan placed a great big seashell-shaped cake on the table just as Annalee and I walked through the door. Nan had left early from the celebratory ice cream social Annalee's school had thrown after their production of the spring play, _The Little Mermaid,_ which starred Annalee in the title role.

Annalee sprinted across the kitchen, her costume twinkling: a brown tank top with glittery scales sewn on the top half and a shimmering pair of leggings with fins on each calf made of silk and soft gauze. She barreled into Nan and hugged her around the waist like she was trying to squeeze the stuffing out of her.

"Did you see when Ursula came down out of the ceiling and her tentacle got stuck on one of the lights?" Annalee looked up at Nan with the biggest grin; she'd asked her the same thing about seven times since the mishap, which all of the kids thought was the funniest thing they'd ever seen. Ursula (who, at that point in the play, had turned into a massive sea monster) was portrayed by a giant cloth puppet with tentacles that turned out to be a lot harder to control than the director imagined.

"It didn't take you long to defeat her after _that,_" Nan replied, laughing. She booped Annalee's nose and pointed over to the table. "I thought you'd be diving straight into your cake the moment you got home!"

"I had ice cream," Annalee replied, as if that had ever stopped a child from wanting cake. She still scampered over to the table and looked her cake over with pleasure. It had purple icing with delicate details in white that imitated the pattern on a scallop shell. Miss Tandy baked it for us and hid a layer of Oreos inside.

"We wanted to make sure our star actress got more than just ice cream for her debut as leading lady," I told her. My stomach fluttered like a songbird flapping its wings inside me—we had something else to celebrate tonight, and I couldn't wait for Annalee to hear.

She kept her costume on—of course—when we sat down to cake, and cutting a slice out made her squeal with excitement. The Oreo layer looked like a Morse code of black cookie and white frosting cross sections.

After we finished, Nan met my eyes over the table. She gave me a smile that combined excitement with contentedness and love, and her hazel ocean eyes held a promise. I got up from the table and went over to the counter, where I picked up a folder. It was priority mail.

"We got something in the mail today, Annalee," I said, and she perked up. Like most kids, she loved getting letters, and even though this one wasn't addressed specifically to her...

I hoped it would be one of the best letters she ever got.

I handed her the envelope. "Can you read who it's from?"

She stuck her tongue out of the corner of her mouth. "A...ad...op...ut..." Then she gasped and looked up at me. "Adoption? Is this from the adoption guy?!"

I couldn't stop a smile of complete joy from breaking out on my face. Our adoption lawyer was in Portland, and after numerous visits and several months of work, he could finally send us a copy of our completed paperwork.

Annalee swung around to look at Nan, whose eyes were bright with tears. Nan opened her arms and Annalee flung herself into them, hugging her around the neck.

"Nan, Nan! You're my mom now! Fishly!" She pulled back for a moment and looked at Nan seriously. "You have been for a while, you know, right?"

"I know, sweetie," Nan said, kissing her on the cheek. "But having this piece of paper is important for all sorts of reasons."

Annalee pulled herself up onto Nan's lap and frowned thoughtfully. "Can I still call you Nan? Or should I call you Mom or something?"

"You can call me whatever feels right to you," Nan told her. She glanced over at me and I nodded happily. It didn't matter what any of us called each other. We knew who we were.

A family.

"I'll think about it," Annalee said. Considering how much this kid loved words, she'd probably come up with a hundred possibilities before bedtime. "Now I can tell kids at school about my moms and it won't feel weird anymore!"

Nan pulled her close and hugged her. It _had_ been weird for Annalee since that day in the fall when Holly was finally arrested. Here in Cape Summer, the news had gotten around by the following morning. Teachers wanted to know what was going on but were (sometimes) too tactful to ask, and kids were curious but didn't really understand what the adults were tiptoeing around.

As the months went by, people wanted news they might not be able to get through the normal grapevine. Had Holly been convicted of assault? Had her parental rights been terminated? Was she in jail or a therapy facility?

To my unending relief, the answer to those first two questions was yes. Holly was no longer legally Annalee's mother, and a much-welcome restraining order had been put against her. In fact, Holly was no longer anywhere near Cape Summer. She was serving a jail sentence on the other side of the county with mandatory therapy and anger management.

But those things didn't matter in this moment. All that mattered was that the three of us were here together, held tight by the bonds of all we'd been through.

"So when are you getting married?" Annalee asked innocently.

I choked on my coffee.

Nan burst out laughing. "Well, seeing as I'm 'fishly' your mom now, I guess we'll have to get on that, huh?" I gave her a wide-eyed look over the table and she replied with a teasing grin. Then she looked back down at Annalee. "Don't worry, sweetheart. We have plenty of time to plan."

Annalee thought about that for a moment. "Next Tuesday works for me."

Nan laughed even harder. "If I promise to talk about it with Mama, will you promise not to get the entire town in on your plan to throw a huge wedding by next Tuesday? Because I have no doubt you'd accomplish it somehow."

Annalee beamed. "I could totally do it! But deal," she said, and put out her hand to Nan to shake. Then she came over to me and did the same.

I swept her into my lap. "That's you: our little mastermind."

She giggled, and I looked over at Nan. Her face was radiant, her cheeks pink and her lovely gray-green eyes dancing. She really did look like an ageless mermaid when she was so full of happiness like this.

Nan blew me a kiss across the table, and I pretended to catch it and put it on my own lips. Would I have ever done something so silly and romantic before I met her? Nope.

Had I always wanted to?

Absolutely.

_The End_


End file.
